2. Nonsense Hobbo!

Photo by Elina Krima on Pexels.com
Parenthesis
A parent of Thesis
Had to have a prosthesis
When he injured his hand with a racket.
Asked, round or square?
He said, "I don't care,
(As long as it's not in a bracket)."
Pink Ladies
An apple a day
keeps the doctor away,
puts pippins in your cox
and turns ladies pink,
or so they say.
Vinny the vampire
Vinny the vampire
Suffered a van fire
Collecting his quota of blood.
It caused such a long queue
On the M62
That his name all day long was just mud.
The Stud
When he met his creator,
Thinking 'reincarnator'
Pete asked to come back as a stud.
He felt somewhat let down
Strolling back into town
As a football boot covered in mud.
Charlie Spooner's Whores
Harley, flopping the moors
Whilst chewing his doors
Heard his wife, with arms bossing her crust,
Serrating him bay,
"That is not the white ray,
You're just making dashings of lust."
Mrs Caesar
Emporor Julius Caesar
Did a lot for his missus to please her,
When she said, could they go
To somewhere that had snow
He bought her a giant chest freezer.
Gambling Pensioner
An american lady from Yonkers
Became semi-professional at conkers.
Her single intention, 
To double her pension
Which everyone told her was bonkers.
A motoring tip
We were out driving.
She laddered her tights.
A fanbelt soon fixed them
- It didn't look right.
A lotta literation
Alan Aardvark 'ad an aunty
altoghether, awkward, anti.
Al's aunt aghast, agape, astonished
As Alan, aged aunt admonished.

Bertie Beaver's baby brats
bolted back behomoth bats
becoming bloated, bad beggars
bucolic, boyish bootleggers.

Clever Colin's crappy car
couldn't quite cruise Calabar.
Colin, clearly cross, confused,
considered, cancelled, quietly queued.

Doesn't dare defy directions,
dozily, dislikes distractions,
displaying dull. displeasing dread,
Dan's drooping dahlias drop down dead.

Chook and the owl
Chook said to owl,
I'm going to be wed
And I'd like you to come to my do.
Owl said to chook,
You're off your head, look
Really you twit, to who?
Laughter wanted
The jester sought deployment,
She went to comic school.
Until she got employment
She felt nobody's fool.
Unmentionables
'Will wearing this make me look slim,
A slender daffodil?'
Expectantly, she turned to him,
He said,  'A' course it will!'
The unwashed diva
Her figure was fulsome, nay busty,
Her singing voice, wholesome and lusty
But lack of hygiene
For this opera queen
Left an odour both noisome and musty.
Pardon you!
A rather large lady, his bride,
Ate supersized portions, all fried,
So, a wedding night thumping,
He thought was her trumping,
Was caused by a brontide, outside.

Brontide:  low rumbling sound of distant thunder
Precisely
Lethologically speaking,
I can't find the word I was seeking
For that guy in the circus
Whose trousers fall down.
I can not remember,
I feel such a clown.
Happy food
While making a food documentary
On all manner of things, alimentary,
The director was praised
In all manner of ways
By the snacks, which were all complimentary.
Well weird
At first it was judged as wanweird
When they found three dead mice in his beard,
Until brought back to life
By a kiss from his wife,
Which the frogs in his tonsils both cheered.
Concentration
Her radio babble
Has addled my Scrabble
My Scipio mixed up with Scorpio.
This audio Romeo
Needs to say cheerio
Or finish up under my patio.
Temporary
Perpetual motion
isn't that clever,
I have a notion
it won't last forever.
The bad cook
He wasn't good at baking
So when he put the cake in
He never learnt
It came out burnt,
He should have got a take-in.
See
So good, was she at ABC
She went to work for BBC,
Climbed the ladder, became IC,
Handing out her TLC

To anyone she thought PC.
Married well - to an ACC,
From Alberta - that's BC.
Asked what's next, she said, "We'll see."

BBC:  British Broadcasting Corporation
TLC:  tender, loving care    
IC:  in charge    
ACC:  assistant chief constable    
BC:  British Columbia
Photo finish
A racehorse named Second came first.
Confusing, but what made it worse;
The owner, Miss Trainer,
An utter no-brainer
Had taught it to gallop tail-first.
The bald pixie
The pixie found a baldness cure
Based on eating dairy,
He ate six helpings, to be sure
-became a hairy fairy.
Exactly what it says on the tin
Ron, an old seal,
Went out for a meal
And ordered a dish called assassin;
Exactly described,
The food that arrived
Was a tin with a fat ass's ass in.

Ronseal: A paint and varnish company that advertises using the line; does exactly what it says on the tin
Gibberish
his ship was
unassailable
not strong enough
dis-gust.
his bride too,
unavailable
he'd lost all
faith in trussed.
Dieting
If I didn't eat dinner,
I might end up thinner,
What sort of a life would that be
- I'll have breakfast, brunch,
dinner, supper and lunch
and maybe just toast for my tea.
Wabbits
There's a wabbit in my whubarb,
wunning wild, amok;
when I saw the wabbit wummaging,
I weceived a wotten shock.

Now it's in my waddishes,
I'll weach for gwandad's gun,
fire a wapid warning,
make that wotten wabbit wun.
The wrong shirt
A footballing singer
Who plays as right-winger
Hits wrong note by being short-sighted,
Scoring three times for City
It seems such a pity
He's playing for Sheffield United.
Three toileteers
Three toileteers
Were out drinking beers
When one of them went to the bog,
Leaving one in a flush,
While one, in a hush,
Farted silently, blaming his dog.
The argument
Sooty and Sweep
Fell out in a heap,
Unsure what direction to take.
Sweep said, 'Left's right'
Sooty wanted to fight
But settled instead for Sweep's take.
Edward Lear
Edward Lear could write limericks for fun
Simply rattle them off one by one;
His repeating first line
Perhaps explains why
Edward Lear could write limericks for fun.
Susan's silly story

Silly Susan, sledging, slowly,
Spied a scary snallygaster      (mythical creature)
Speeding, swiftly slippy-sliding,
Skidded, stopped; a snollygoster      (scheming politician)

Saw Susan and strangely stalked
Her, saying, Sue you sexy spinster,
Such slow scallywaggery      (political opportunism)
Seems soppy, stupid, somehow sinister

Surely I'm a superhero,
Six-feet-six of solid sinew.
Sue suspects some sly seduction
Seeing such a solid surtout      (overcoat)

So, says she, still smiling sweetly,
Sir, such stranger-seranading,
Seems I somehow should've
serendipitously stayed in

Sewing silken socks so my
Seven sisters, sadly sick
Stay stay safe, sound, secure
From such a snidy shaggledick.      (person whose name you can't remember)

Secretly signalling SOS;
Stop, cease your sordid stare,
My sparkling specs spy only
Someone surely not snoutfair.      (old term for fair of face)

Suddenly, Susie's so-called stalker,
Squashing, sadly, Sammy Squirrel
Stomped off sulking, spitting,
Swearing, such a silly old sod, Cyril.
Blowing with the wind
With consummate ease,
The political breeze,
Was ridden, wherever it blew.
With the minister's word,
He always concurred,
This catchfart with no point of view.
Dunking
My wife says it's culinary bunkum,
When I have a biscuit, I dunk 'em.
If the biccie's not strong,
Or I leave them too long,
They drift to the bottom, I've sunk 'em.
The tired thespian
The actor's good articulation
Was spoiled by his pandiculation,
His trousers fell
And menfolk yelled,
Whilst women showed but admiration.
A Limeriku
A woman from deepest Peru
Thought that this was a clever haiku
But counting the lines
She saw that it rhymes
And realised it just wouldn't do.
Dinah
Dinah the dinosaur
Had but a tiny roar,
Being a miniatursoarus.
This reptile, petite
With falsetto sweet,
Birds recruited to join their dawn chorus.
A Royal Flush
A gambler, the fourth
Earl of Sandwich,
added food served in
bread to our language.

And so from this
young popinjay
originates
Pret A Manger.
A cheesy story
The ever ebullient Brie
took his mum on a trip to the sea;
after spending all day in the sun,
the guy was a cheese on the run.

Seeking help from his mate, Mozzarella
he knew that he'd picked the wrong feller
when he started to string him along;
so he turned to his friend, Cheddar, strong

but the heat was too much, he was wilting
and, desperate, he telephoned Stilton,
forgetting that Stilton, with veins
was unable to help once again.

And thus, the ebullient Brie
ran all the way into the sea;
so, when taking beach photos, please, please
remember this tale and say, 'cheese'.
A Bargain
A flibbertigibbet from Wales
Always purchased her clothes in the sales;
Short skirts and low tops
Bought when prices dropped
Proved a fatal attraction for males.
The Coward
A timid, nay craven, poltroon
Did nothing to help his platoon
Win the fight, He back pedalled
And instead of a medal
Was handed a big wooden spoon.
Teacher's taste
A teacher, authoritarian
Decided to go vegetarian.
With meat products out,
Pupils had to eat sprouts
And blocked up school pipes sanitarian.
Gluttony
Attracted to all things sensorial,
Ignoring her body corporeal,
She binged, getting fatter,
Burst and self-scattered
So, her friends made a chocolate memorial.
Bart Simpson
What a brilliant word is this 'cursive',
With so much potential, subversive,
But my plans are all spent
When I learned what it meant
By reading my Grammar Immersive.
Wind
There's a bit of a breeze
in the trees, if you please,
making  me wheeze,
almost sneeze.

I believe it's the least
of the beast from the east,
come here to feast,
off the piste

on mountains of litter
that jitters and skitters,
scaring critters
and quitters.

If this wind stays ahead,
I'll be led, by a thread,
truly it's said,
to my bed

where I'll labour to stay
for the day in the hay;
lazily lay,
if I may.
Brandy
My Napolean brandy
Is kept nice and handy
Though its name may be slightly suggestive,
For after large meals
When my tum starts to squeal,
I find it an excellent digestive.
The chair
A shy Latin lover, laconic,
Bought his girlfriend an egg-chair, iconic.
Its sinuous curves
Touched her sensuous nerves
And their love became more than platonic.
Dracula
Dracula used the vernacular
In ways that were simply spectacular.
This gore-sucking hoodie
Would use the word bloody
So much, he did penance piacular.
Horror Film
An epic of Rodgers and Hammerstein
Was filmed on a shoestring in Liechtenstein,
Called Sodom and Gomorrah,
This cinema horror,
Subtitled, 'The booty of Frankenstein.'
Cones
I'm in the zone,
Mum bought a cone
Of chips, a lucky boy.
The ice cream sort
With chocolate sauce
For pud, would bring deep joy.
Art
Hirst once made
a diamond skull.
Picasso's works
were never dull.
Lowrie's stick-men
had long Macs.
Just some random, 
arty facts.
The streaker
A streaker caught, CCTV,
Had hotly denied it was he.
The ID parade
Saw his ardour degrade
And needed a vid. referee.
Chasing shadows
I was born with a shadow,
I'll die with a shadow,
She follows me round all the time.
Except in the night,
When I turn out the light,
Then she leaves me in peace, at bedtime.
Foot fetish
Addicted to private chiropody,
She put her life savings in jeopardy.
To fund perfect feet
She would burgle and cheat;
Wrong-footed, they threw her in custody.
The sock monster
There's a monster in my house
Who picks at all the locks
Then, quiet as a mouse,
He helps himself to socks.

Single ones of course,
He never nicks a pair,
Which leaves me rather cross
And pulling out my hair.

I've evened up the score
With this stocking eating toff,
-An appointment with a saw
To have a foot cut off.
Clean air zone
My wife's declared our home
A micro clean air zone,
A green, if tiny start
But I'm not allowed to fart.
With curry off the menu,
I'll find another venue;
A spicy lttle bistro
Where wind can blow with gusto.
The Builder
A builder of all things precarious
Had clients both varied and various.
When his houses fell down,
He was run out of town
By furious buyers, nefarious.
Foresight
A portly, potbellied clairvoyant
With a preference for clothing flamboyant,
When she fell in the sea
Had failed to foresee
That triple XL wasn't buoyant.
Jack and Jean
Jack met Jean
Upon the street,
Hi-Jean, he quipped.
Though she smelled sweet.

Hi-Jack she yelled
And to a man,
The people in 
The street all ran.
Thick
Unable to mingle,
The cream remained single,
Relationships limited, pouring.
Then, whipped to a double
She soon had no trouble
Pulling pavlovas and scoring.
Old Slippers
These tattered old slippers,
Like out of date kippers,
Stink like a ripe camembert.
My wife wants them slung
But I'd rather be hung,
They're the comfiest things that I wear.
Buzz Words
I thought I'd earn some brownie points
By using blue-sky thinking.
The boss was unimpressed
-She looked at me, unblimking.

Undeterred, decided
I would stretch the envelope,
Which simply fell apart and
Left me feeling like a dope.

Performance indicators are
The latest thing, I thought,
I got a dashboard full
Yet, my efforts came to nought.

So, I went out for my lunch
And carefully cherry picked
But the store detective saw me
And that's why I've been nicked.

Nicked:  UK Slang for arrested
Albert Winestein
Winestein, a bit of a thinker,
Meets woman, a lot of a drinker,
Goes out on the pop,
She won't let him stop,
Albert's headache's a bit of a stinker.
Experience
A time-served, experienced detective
Was dubbed by her pals, ineffective
But in spite of the sneers
Of her juvenile peers,
She arrested more crooks, irrespective.
Ladybird books
She bought a ladybird cookbook,
Took it straight back the next day,
No recipes for ladybirds,
She'd had to throw hundreds away.
Travel
They told me that travel
Would broaden my mind
So, I set off to Iceland
Although not inclined
To walk all the way
And I went in the car,
Got some two-for-one pizzas
And chocolates for Ma.
Air Brushing
A lass on the artistic spectrum
Acquired a hysterical rectum,
When she felt laughter starting,
It brought on loud farting
So intense that her paintings, it wrecked 'em.
X-Factor
He writhes and he screams,
He is dying it seems,
The noise; it's like watching X-Factor.
Penalty given,
Then all is forgiven,
This guy is a consummate actor.
Not a believer
If you don't believe in covid
Then why d'you wear a mask?
I'm going to rob a bank, my dear
But nice of you to ask.

If you don't believe in covid
Then why'd you get a jab?
I'm into S and M darling,
I think it rather fab.

If you don't believe in covid
Can I use your vax passport?
I need it for my holidays
So, nothing of the sort!
That's odd
Call me a grumpy old sod
but this fafhion for wearing odd socks,
well, I'm sorry, it's odd.

I've seen it with sneakers too,
one sneaker is orange,
the other, light blue.

Where will this fashion end,
odd gloves, odd trousers,
it's confusing, my friend.

I am bald, my wife has long hair,
are we state of the art,
the original odd pair?
The selfish elf
While taking selfies
of his selfish self,
the selfish elf
sells shellfish,
off the shelf.
Trapped
An old lady trapped in her basement,
Tried her best to climb out of the casement.
Her legs were to short,
Her knickers got caught
And now both her hips need replacement.
Sniggle
A piggle who wriggled
Was fed upon sniggle,
A sort of a fish-food for eels.
She wiggled and jiggled
And burst into giggles,
Delighting her mum with her squeals.
Cumir and Getir
Cumir and Getir 
were having a spat.
"Cumir," said Getir,
"You said I was fat."
Cumir said, "Getir,
I'm not having that."
"Come here," said Getir,
"I'll give you what's what."
"Getir," said Cumir,
"I think you will not."
Cumir and Getir
became best of friends;
come here, I'll tell you
how their story ends.
First, get here and tell me,
who said, who was fat.
Was it Cumir or Getir,
can you answer that?
Effalump
An effalump suffering thrombosis'
Drank her several meds through her proboscis.
They shrivelled her trunk,
Till she smelled like a skunk
And the vet diagnosed halitosis.
Stamp Collecting
A butcher from Oldham,
Nicknamed Stan Palbum,
Collected rare stamps, but in binges.
His best mate of latterly,
Grocer, Phil Atterley,
Thought his meat eating friend, off his hinges.
Talking Turkey
I rescued the turkey
from mother's deep-freeze.
She thawed for a day
and began to look pleased.

She was too good to cook
so, I took her a walk,
which is hard with no feet
and we stopped for a talk.

We became best of friends
that Christmas day night,
as, daft as each other
we set the world right.

You see, talking turkey,
seeing their point of view,
beats biting off more
than what you can chew.
Speeding
Seven billion parcels
For children, to deliver.
He'll have to get a move on
Or, he'll never finish, ever.

All those tots of whisky
Each time he stops his sleigh;
If you see him, mister traffic cop,
Please look the other way.
A shout out
Let us have a shout out
For the little green sprout,
Without them, a Christmas it's not.
Each succulent winner,
The best part of dinner,
But grandson would sooner eat snot.
Early Christmas
Christmas day in springtime,
The sun lay three feet deep,
When Santa rode in, breathless
Astride a Herdwick sheep.

The reindeers had been poorly,
Excess of mince pies eaten.
Then Santa caught the Covid
But he would not be beaten.

So, although a smidgen early
To have Christmas in Spring,
Let's hope that twenty-twenty-two
A better year will bring.
My artistic mother
Mum's passion, Art Deco
Inspires her painting.
Her love of prosecco
Results in her fainting.
Non-fiction
A politician, let him stay nameless,
Lived a life that was totally blameless.
Of course, this depiction
Is nothing but fiction;
We poets are utterly shameless.
White-Van Man (to Jingle Bells)
Driving like a loon
in a dirty old, white van,
I will get there soon;
trust your white-van man.
Parcels to drop in,
making children smile,
what fun it is for me to bring
your presents in a while, oh!

White-van man, white-van man,
DPD, of course,
Amazon, Deliveroo
or is it Parcel Force. hey!
White-van man, white-van man,
DPD, of course,
Amazon, Deliveroo
or is it Parcel Force.

Now it's Christmas Eve,
got so much to do.
Van would you believe,
runs on reindeer poo.
Need to finish quick,
spread that festive cheer;
snow not yet too thick,
time to grab a beer.

White-van man, white-van man,
DPD, of course,
Amazon, Deliveroo
or is it Parcel Force. hey!
White-van man, white-van man,
DPD, of course,
Amazon, Deliveroo
or is it Parcel Force.

Dear Santa
Dear old Santa,
Let's cut the banter,
I saw you kissing my mum.
So, instead of daft socks,
I want an Xbox,
Or you're in deep trouble old chum.

Neighbours
My neighbour has opened a nude-bar
Accessible via her boudoir.
It's all in good taste,
Bare from only the waist
Up, but I feel that it's rude, moi.
The Drugstore
Does this Viagra work, young man?
Yes ma'am, it surely do.
Can you get it over the counter?
I can, if I take two!
Business wise
Big business, my employer
but if I told the truth
about the state of their affairs,
some corporation sleuth
would grass me to the bosses,
make sure I was demoted
so, I told them all is well
and now I've been promoted.
Stonehenge
A prehistoric wonder
of monolithic stones,
these massive remainders,
its leftover bones.

Or, static evidence
of humanity, defeated
a giant piece of Lego
project uncompleted.

If this was ever finished,
who pulled the building down
and where'd they take the rubbish,
the tip is out of town.
The List
The electric bill,
the gas one too,
apologies
to auntie Sue.
That washing up,
the dirty car,
a shopping list
for local Spar.
A boring book,
my ragged lawn,
replacement of
my clothes, well worn.
Unfinished work,
the onorous task,
no need to do, 
I've dropped the mask.
I'm going to die
soon, turn to mist
and this lot's on
my 'fuck it' list!
Chemistry
Because Al could lie,
He was called Alkali,
Till his missus who, normally placid,
Hit back with a thrashing,
Acidic tongue lashing;
Those who heard it, now call him, Ah Sid.
Crossing a road
Your rubbish road,
your horrid highway,
your looney lane,
your fickle freeway.
Your dirty drives
all carrying dross,
your torrid tracks
all make me cross!
Phew!
A lover of flowers and fauna
Fell asleep in a boiling-hot sauna,
She frizzled and fried
Until sadly, she died
With only fake flowers to mourn her.
Elvis
Elvis, while out on parole
for heartbreaking musical souls,
went home to his missus
who caked him with kisses
and danced him a nude Rock'n'Roll.
The Millionaire
When she checked the invoice
For her third, gold Rolls Royce,
The salesman had hiked his commission,
So she sent round a team,
Who shattered his dream
and removed his con-rod with precision.
The Boxer
A boxer who didn't like losing
Perfected a technique confusing;
To secure every win,
He led with his chin,
Successful, but painful and bruising.
A lucky duck
rookie truckie's 
mucky truck,
misses plucky,
lucky duck.
Plucky ducky
says to truck,
muck is lucky
fuck-a-duck!
The Groomer
It was jiggery-pokery
dressed up as topiary;
personal grooming for men.
She shaved diamonds and cubes
in her gentlemen's pubes,
with a little love-heart now and then.
A difficult birth
To chat with a porter
while birthing your daughter
in a pool of iced water,
is harder than ping pong
in the middle of a ding dong
whilst having a sing song.
Family
It is simply amazing,
demonstrated, you'll see
that my sister-in-law's
daughter's cousin's brother's
mother is married to me!
Panto
He's behind you!
Panto season;
tired old plots
that stretch our reason.

A has-been actor,
shouting rot.
The best one ever.
Oh no, he's not!
Influence
I'm an internet icon
with a Facebook facade,
an Instagram idol
who tries really hard.

I'm a Snapchat soldier,
a TikTok teaser,
a WhatsApp wizard,
a Just Eat geezer.

I'm a YouTube yoda,
an iPhone banker,
a LinkedIn lover,
a WikiLeaks wanker.

I'm a Google giggler,
a Hangouts honey,
a Netflix knobhead
making online money.

I'm an Influencer,
that's what they say;
a sad, shallow hero
of our Internet age.
Operations
Thanks to supersedure
my op is called procedure
and undercover ops
are now for super cops.
If they changed the name to Mary,
it would still be bloody scary!
Political Party
Let's have a party for Christmas,
I think it's a spiffing idea,
we'll do ten-quid-each Secret Santa,
let Harrods deliver the beer.

But we're meant to be running the country,
we've told people not to have fun;
how will we ever fight Covid
if the public finds out what we've done?

It's one rule for them, one for us
and we'll say that we stuck to the rules,
if that doesn't work, we will lie
and treat them like gullible fools!
Sundae Girl
Lucy Lastic's fantastic
home made ice cream,
a creation sensation,
called 'dreamin' of cream'
was a family recipe, handed with pride
from her gran to her nan,
her mam, and a cousin,
then Lucy who used it
to make by the dozen
delicious desserts from her flat in Strathclyde.

The ices sold nicely,
from Scotland to Wales,
but the lass was ambitious,
she needed more sales,
so she put them on FaceSpace with plenty of pics
meltingly tasty
beyond yummylicious,
with fat-free an option
so, also nutritious.
her ice cream went viral, got millions of licks.
Filling
I masticated, mandicated,
ruminated, crunched,
I ate my hat,
I chewed the fat.
I broke a tooth
and that's the truth,
while munching on my lunch.
Shakin' your booty
Dancing be-bop
in a tree-top
is not a good idea;
fear of heights
and windy frights
could bring on dyspnoea.
On course
We've: A warm approach
to central heating,
slimmer's guides
to pies and eating,
yoga classes
for beginners,
bible basics
for the sinners,
intermediate
Ancient Latin,
beginner's gym
to do your back in,
giving up
the demon booze,
travel tips
for those who cruise,
knitting scarves
and sewing bees,
ridding cats
and dogs of fleas,
social media,
basic acting,
secrets of the state
redacting,
how to be
a master-chef,
singing lessons
for tone-deaf,
you can build
a Chieftain tank,
save more money
in the bank,
baby care-
prevent her crying,
stalling tactics-
stave off dying,
quantum theory
just for dummies,
slimmer's world
for flabby tummies,
theory swimming
keeps you dry,
pilot courses-
learn to fly,
bird-feeding
a worm's eye view,
how to keep
a bear or two,
flower arranging
in a bubble,
keeping out of
covid trouble,
weightlifting 
for skinny midgets,
taekwondo
for those who fidget,
hide and seek
for claustrophobics,
let it out
in nude aerobics.
No matter what
your gap in knowledge,
we can fill
that hole at college.
 
King Henry
He led a cruel and debauched life
many times in love, six times a wife,
now, I am told there was one woman more
who he quietly took for wife number four.
So, who's this mysterious trouble and strife,
this anonymous maid was known as mid-wife.
XXXL
A heavy lump
of elephant
was trying on a dress,
when family herd
heard dreaded words,
"Is my bum too big in this?

Matriarch
and patriarch,
responded,"Yes, I guess,"
but with thick skin
she took it in
and bought another dress.
Noah
In strolled the animals,
paw-by-paw, two-by-two,
a menagerie, a circus,
the first floating zoo,

With space at a premium,
it descended to farce;
denigrated thereafter
as Noah and his arse.
The limit
A turtle who hurtled
down the M62
was stopped by a cop
who said, listen mate you,
don't dare drive like hare
in my neck of the woods
or I'll jail you with snail
and the other flash hoods.
The crevice
It's as dark as the hole in the depths of your soul,
as black as the darkest of deeds,
the well into Hell, the dirtiest of coal,
the meanest and basest of needs.

It's the hidden, forbidden, the don't-go-down-there,
the deepest profoundest abyss,
erupting corruption, a spirit laid bare,
a spine-chilling ice-devil's kiss.

Dingy and inky, it is darkness personified,
the evil betrayal of a chum,
resist this temptation, you will not be vilified,
don't look at that builder's bare bum!
The duck with no luck
A duck with no luck
was reading a book,
when a frog with a dog hopped beside her.
He'd sarnies to eat,
fish paste, potted meat
and a nice apple pie which surprised her.

Duck forgot all her cares
as she dined on this fare,
with lashings of raspberry juice.
when an idea struck,
to change the duck's luck,
frog spoke to his friend, Lucy Goose.

Apprised, Lucy Goose
thought that she'd be no use
but she knew of a white fluffy rabbit,
hilariously funny
and remembered this bunny
attracted success as a habit.

This rabbit was found
hopping gaily around
on three feet, with one lost to a snare.
His old rabbit's foot,
he gave for good luck,
to duck, quackers but she didn't care.
Removal man
Before anaesthetic,
to have a prosthetic,
usually meant leg made of wood.
You gritted your jaw bones
and old doctor saw-bones
worked hard, and as fast as he could.
Enough
A Eurocrat and a bureaucrat
played at pit-a-pat
up in Ballarat
when a diplomat in a pink cravat
blowing rheostat
put a stop to that.
Ninja
When Ninja, Fred
eats gingerbread
to build up muscle bulk,
with green chai tea
for his tai chi,
he's quite the gourmet hulk.
A brief history of art
Picasso was deaf
and when brother Jeff
said,"I want you here,"
heard,"I want your ear."
So, with a box-cutter
this artistic nutter
sliced one of them off,
or was that Van Gogh?
Hang on though, no
I think he's Van Gogh.
Monstergran
With her curly grey hair
and her old-lady clothes
be decidedly careful
not to get up her nose.

For, behind the kind smile
and the twinkling eyes
lurks a wicked old monster
who is thinly disguised

as a dear little granny
with long skinny arms
and a baking-bread smell
but under those charms

there's a monstrous creature
hiding beneath
with a huge appetite
and long, yellow teeth,

who can suddenly change
and turn really nasty
so, best not upset her
or you'll finish, a pasty.
Compatability
He wasn't the sharpest
knife in the box
but he cooked beans on toast
and he washed his own socks.

She wasn't the loveliest
actress at Cannes
but she loved haricots
and she had her own pan.

It was love at first sight
for both, neither pushy
and their menu expanded
to toast with peas, mushy.
For Gran
Every word that rhymes with
belly, has me laughing, such as
smelly, reminding me of farting,
jelly, whoops, the wobble's starting,
telly, watched by my old gran, Nelly.
                                      Shelley 
Design Fault
Excavating a deep trou-de-loup,
As protection from large wallaroos,
He discovered a hitch
With his reinforced ditch,
When showered with kangaroo poo.
Chippy Tea
A slovenly slattern,
As thin as old latten,
Ate nothing but chips for an age,
Her body so fattened,
She carelessly flattened
Her husband to double 0 gauge.
Getting in shape
The square was sick of being square,
she wanted out, a touch more flair,
a shape more shapely, feminine,
reflecting what she might have been,
part of the inner circle, round,
a bit more radical, profound,
oval, even trifle curly,
not straight shouldered, squat and burly,
sexy, sinuous, a shape
to make contemporaries gape.
Said the hole, don't be a noddy,
I'm overlooked by everybody.
Caution
Whatever you say, ma'am,
Will be taken down, used evidentially.
The woman stayed calm,
Knickers then, said confidentially.

The police officer blushed,
His young lady smiled,
The offences were squashed,
The pair reconciled.
A Halloween recipe
Make no mistake when making start
and driving stake through vampire's heart,
for gory sauce, decant this blood,
lukewarm of course, congealed is good.

A snot-blocked nose, some chicken gizzards,
jam-filled toes from rotting lizards,
a corpses flesh stripped from its frame,
nothing too fresh, needs gentle flame.

Belly of snake,  sautéd bottom of dog,
beard of a sheikh, last croak of a frog,
entrepreneur's greed, innocent girl's eye,
that's all you need for dead man's pie.
Molly's ghost
Molly strolled through the park,
in a glow-in-the-dark
hoodie her daughter had bought her.
Creeping behind,
Halloween on his mind,
a naughty ghost looking to haunt her.

Wearing loose pumps,
it gave Molly goosebumps,
when spied from the edge of her hoodie,
but it ran faraway
when she screamed at it, hey
go away mate, I'm one of the goodies.
Drugged
Evidence shown at his trial
Included a miniature phial
Of drug GHB
Slipped into her G
And T, guilty, despite his denial.
That's all folks
Inquisitive Paul
researched the word caul
in his dictionary, small
finding that wasn't all
that he had the gall
to not know, like scall.
It made him fair waul
to find the word orle

in his erudite trawl
through the absolute sprawl
of words such as pawl,
schorl, meatball and squall,
bookstall, wherewithal,
netball and jackal,
completely enthralled,
it was Paul's wonderwall.
Foraging
Fermented,
fallen plums,
conspiratorial
fruity chums,
foraged by crits
who end up in bits
with headaches 
and sore, runny bums.
Elocution
He talked through his nose,
And sometimes his arse,
So the stains on his clothes,
Meant his friendships were sparse.
The Blue Mink solution
What we need is a great big melting pot,
Big enough to hold the world, and all it's snot,
Keep it boiling for a hundred years or more,
This should cure coronavirus, that's for sure!
Medal Target
Olympic Bronze,
From the men's trap,
What a bonza result
For having a crap!
My muck
If I paid twenty bucks, for a buckle,
Or, tickled some chooks, for a chuckle,
Looked in a nook, for a knuckle,
Trashed up my truck, for a truckle,
Or taught my dear honey to suckle,
Would that help my muck make a muckle?
Off-putting
Like a flea on a bee,
I go weak at the knee
At the sight of your sensuous body
But over the years,
You've grown massive ears
And I can't help but thinking of Noddy.
Extinct Instinct
Dinosaur baby,
Has been thinking, maybe
From Earth, they may well disappear.
"Don't look so glum,"
Says dinosaur mum,
No, not in a million year."
The Rochdale Sailor
(to the tune of Rochdale Cowboy,  by Mike Harding)
It's hard being a sailor in Rochdale,
The sails don't fit right in me boat,
It's hard being a sailor in Rochdale,
People laugh
When I sail passed
With my Angora Goat.
Coincidence?
Winnie-the-Pooh
and Rupert-the-Bear
have something in common
they're happy to share.

Both have been blessed
with considerable fame,
and their middle names, well
they're exactly the same!
Under the influence
Guinevere with her knight, Lancelot
Would go to the disco and dance a lot,
Though he oft rode his steed
With an excess of mead
And ruined their chance of romance, a lot.
Mott the Hoople
Without any scruple,
he played Mott the Hoople,
thus causing his vinyl to rot.
So, switching his focus,
to play Hocus Pocus,
his girl caught him Hoopling the Mott.
Muddled messages
I wore my hood in a huddle,
Whilst jumping in mud in a muddle,
Eating my pud in a puddle,
And chewing the cud for a cuddle.
Befuddled?
Skedaddle!
Ghosts
There are no ghosts,
Her confident boast,
Whispered with fluttering breath
And on that pretext,
She sent him a text,
Twenty years after her death.
The naughty cat
The naughty cat
Shit on the mat,
Her owner went bananas,
Made him wear
Some underwear
And salmon pink pyjamas.
Demotion
A young Kamikaze,
Acting quite blasé,
Who failed to accomplish his mission,
Was told with disdain
If he did it again,
He'd be dropped to the Hang-Glide Division.
A fit bird
Mynah, a tuneful young bird,
Had a passion for playing with words,
In order to slim,
She went to the gym,
Determined to make her abs 'eard.
The short sighted cricketer
The batsman strolled up to the crease,
Stumbling and peering and prying,
Then took out a handsome glass piece,
And said,"Hang on, I'm getting my eye in."
Growing up
My little sister
is bigger than me,
a boy must have kissed her,
that's what it will be!

Kissing boys makes you grow
right up to the sky,
my mummy should know,
she is thirty feet high!
In a pickle
Trick-trick, trick-trick, trickle,
I'm busting for a wee,
Nick-nick, nick-nick, nickel,
They charged a little fee.

I haven't had a pee since breakfast,
And now it's half past three,

So, pick-pick, pick-pick, pickled
Onions for my tea,
Fick-fick, fick-fick, fickle,
He'll not say no to me!
Amazonian Prime
A wishy Washingtonian
Met amazing Amazonian,
The looks exchanged
Had been prearranged,
And they soon had a baby Babylonian.
Rest in Panties
The woman resting here
Lived her life to the full,
Never showed any fear
Or accepted the dull.
She grabbed the world by the throat,
Drank a pond full of liquor,
And in favourite fur coat,
Lies here with no knickers.
Be careful
Beware of making a smelly wish,
Or you may well end up with a jellyfish,
A restaurant's not-on-your-Nelly dish!
Arctic diet
No penguins are eaten by polar bears,
Is a truth, I am pleased to reveal,
Their massive paws, covered in hair
Prevent them from breaking the seal.
Purple Patch
I hit a purple patch
of cabbage, was the catch.
I noticed when it oozed
and spoiled my brand new shoes.
The Chippy
Whale is in the chip shop,
Enjoying a tasty cod,
Sees the owner, in flip-flops,
And gives him the nod.

Not one to moan,
Not his kind of thing
But he's found a bone
Which he thought he would bring

To the bosses attention.
"That's fine," says the man,
"And, as it's been mentioned,
You may have a free can

Of pop, whilst you're waiting,
We'll cook you a new."
And earns five star rating
On Chippies4You.
Meteo meter
It is not coincidence
that sun
rhymes 
with fun.

And it's of significance,
that rain
rhymes
with pain.

But I'm damned
if I know
why cello
rhymes with snow!
Bath time bubbles
Rubbery, rubbery,
rubbery, rubbery,
rubbery, rubbery duck.

Spirally, spirally,
spirally, spirally,
spirally, down plughole suck.

Bubbly, bubbly,
bubbly, bubbly,
bubbly, bubbly, bath.

Giggly, giggly,
giggly, giggly,
giggly, giggly, laugh.
Justice
The grumpy old giant,
a bully, defiant,
ate a diet of children and mice.
He battered his wife
to an inch of her life,
so, she went to the cops for advice.

The police acted quick,
and soon, he was nicked,
the judge said,"That anger needs lancing."
He was sentenced to hell,
locked into his cell,
and made to watch Strictly Come Dancing.
Come on Eileen!
Venue; White Cliffs, Dover.
Person;  Eileen Dover.
Action;  Did just that.
Result;  Dead end. Splat.
The estate agent
This one here is full of charms,
despite the falling gloom,
it's where the owner keeps her arms,
it's called the elbow room.
The Avian Bomb
Endangered species Kangamus,
is knocked down by a London bus.
Crocogator at the wheel,
apologised for being a heel.
Became distracted by the sight
of Brontodactyl in full flight,
swooping, dropping huge payload,
and liming half the busy road.
Well, I never!
Birds,
are as light as a feather.
Bats,
can bat off bad weather.
Mules,
are as tough as old boots,
and a pig,
is in mud, when it roots.
Off!
The ducks and the chickens
were starting a game,
when the referee noticed
that their kits were the same.

Except the ducks feathers 
were covered in mange,
so, the official decided
she'd make the ducks change.

But as the home team,
they insisted, no way,
and the ducks were red-carded
for persistent fowl play!
Get the bus!
Because I fancied pork,
I took the bus to York.
Now, if I'd have wanted lamb,
I'd have had to go to Stam-
ford on the bus,
but, I didn't want the fuss.
Oh, my head!
I awoke, with a bit of a head
feeling decidedly shit,
but when I looked under the bed
I found the remainder of it.
Brain strain
I put my mind to rest,
it was looking rather tired.
A tender little geste
That was really quite inspired.
My tools!
A vicar discovered her clerical
collar, was getting too spherical,
so, she ironed the frill
with her husband's best drill,
which sent the DIY'er hysterical.
Figure of speech

Donkeys bray
and cats meow,
horses neigh
but dogs bow-wow.

Humans talk
their ghosts boo,
parrots squawk
and Holsteins moo.

Villains sneer
and ducks quack,
you my dear
are talking cack!
Coffin dodgin'
I am not dodgin' coffins,
I'm refusing to doff in
my cap, to my maker and quit.
While I have sun,
I will have me some fun,
then I'll hang me around for a bit.
Eating her words
A twenty-three foot brontosaurus
Somehow swallowed a giant thesaurus,
Became rough, grotesque, crude,
Sharp, barbarous, rude,
Bad, rugged, abrupt, indecorous.
Cookin' on gas
The radio is on.
Playing their song,
And he is a whiz with a wok,
Rustling up dishes
For his favourite missus,
He is having a rock round the stock.
Desserts
He baked me a pud,
deliciously good,
and lovely to have something nice in.
I thought it was rice,
it tasted so nice
but the bastard had given me ricin!
Spell Check
An NHS letter
arrived at my menage,
advising I'd better
get down Burnley Collage,
collage? for a booster
of covid protection.
I gave the note extra
closer inspection.
Silly old sausage,
the letter's a collage,
subliminal message
was maybe a massage?
Diagnosis
Audiology, said,
Cardiology, heard
Neurology, the ward she did venture.
Which is maybe as well,
because, deaf as a bell,
she also had early dementia.
Aspirational
He desired a tattoo
on his 'how do you do'
and was charged by the inch,
so did not feel the pinch.
Requesting Llandudno,
he settled for Ludo.
Singing bug
A fat creepy-crawly,
with a voice that was surely
the world's most beguiling descant,
when her nephew poured praise
with unfitting praise,
said,"Your uncle's extant, I'm your aunt."
King Cnut
Old King Cnut
was a well handsome brute,
his dyslexia seemed such a shame.
His royal entourage
lost their decolletage,
whenever the man signed his name.
A brief coffee
An enterprising chorister
was keen to be a barrister
but lack of true cognition
swiftly stifled her ambition,
so, after talks with sister,
she became a top barista.
Britain's Got Talent
A gullible
chiropractor,
tried his luck
on the programme X-Factor.
Describing himself
as a fiddler.
the audience
cut off his diddler!
Looking for trouble
On eBay she purchased pestle and mortar,
Paid significantly more bang than she oughta.
It arrived Parcel Force
Then she realised, of course!
They had sent her a weaponry mortar.
Personal
Personal trainers,
an utter no-brainer
for dodging those maddening queues.
If you want to look cool,
well, you'd be a fool
to settle for secondhand shoes.
Whoops
A musician, renowned, Alec Trimble,
Used to drum on his dad's Gallic cymbals.
A black and white pic
Which was taken too quick,
Made him look like a huge phallic symbol.

His girlfriend who saw it was shattered,
Insisting, of course, that it mattered.
Once she had viewed it,
Until he withdrew it,
She chattered and yattered and nattered,
Brain Food
A five times grand master at chess
Had got herself into a mess,
It wasn't her moves
That she sought to improve
But her sandwiches, custard with cress!
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