2. Nonsense Hobbo!

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King Henry
He led a cruel and debauched life
many times in love, six times a wife,
now, I am told there was one woman more
who he quietly took for wife number four.
So, who's this mysterious trouble and strife,
this anonymous maid was known as mid-wife.
A heavy lump
of elephant
was trying on a dress,
when family herd
heard dreaded words,
"Is my bum too big in this?

and patriarch,
responded,"Yes, I guess,"
but with thick skin
she took it in
and bought another dress.
In strolled the animals,
paw-by-paw, two-by-two,
a menagerie, a circus,
the first floating zoo,

With space at a premium,
it descended to farce;
denigrated thereafter
as Noah and his arse.
The limit
A turtle who hurtled
down the M62
was stopped by a cop
who said, listen mate you,
don't dare drive like hare
in my neck of the woods
or I'll jail you with snail
and the other flash hoods.
The crevice
It's as dark as the hole in the depths of your soul,
as black as the darkest of deeds,
the well into Hell, the dirtiest of coal,
the meanest and basest of needs.

It's the hidden, forbidden, the don't-go-down-there,
the deepest profoundest abyss,
erupting corruption, a spirit laid bare,
a spine-chilling ice-devil's kiss.

Dingy and inky, it is darkness personified,
the evil betrayal of a chum,
resist this temptation, you will not be vilified,
don't look at that builder's bare bum!
The duck with no luck
A duck with no luck
was reading a book,
when a frog with a dog hopped beside her.
He'd sarnies to eat,
fish paste, potted meat
and a nice apple pie which surprised her.

Duck forgot all her cares
as she dined on this fare,
with lashings of raspberry juice.
when an idea struck,
to change the duck's luck,
frog spoke to his friend, Lucy Goose.

Apprised, Lucy Goose
thought that she'd be no use
but she knew of a white fluffy rabbit,
hilariously funny
and remembered this bunny
attracted success as a habit.

This rabbit was found
hopping gaily around
on three feet, with one lost to a snare.
His old rabbit's foot,
he gave for good luck,
to duck, quackers but she didn't care.
Removal man
Before anaesthetic,
to have a prosthetic,
usually meant leg made of wood.
You gritted your jaw bones
and old doctor saw-bones
worked hard, and as fast as he could.
A Eurocrat and a bureaucrat
played at pit-a-pat
up in Ballarat
when a diplomat in a pink cravat
blowing rheostat
put a stop to that.
When Ninja, Fred
eats gingerbread
to build up muscle bulk,
with green chai tea
for his tai chi,
he's quite the gourmet hulk.
A brief history of art
Picasso was deaf
and when brother Jeff
said,"I want you here,"
heard,"I want your ear."
So, with a box-cutter
this artistic nutter
sliced one of them off,
or was that Van Gogh?
Hang on though, no
I think he's Van Gogh.
With her curly grey hair
and her old-lady clothes
be decidedly careful
not to get up her nose.

For, behind the kind smile
and the twinkling eyes
lurks a wicked old monster
who is thinly disguised

as a dear little granny
with long skinny arms
and a baking-bread smell
but under those charms

there's a monstrous creature
hiding beneath
with a huge appetite
and long, yellow teeth,

who can suddenly change
and turn really nasty
so, best not upset her
or you'll finish, a pasty.
He wasn't the sharpest
knife in the box
but he cooked beans on toast
and he washed his own socks.

She wasn't the loveliest
actress at Cannes
but she loved haricots
and she had her own pan.

It was love at first sight
for both, neither pushy
and their menu expanded
to toast with peas, mushy.
For Gran
Every word that rhymes with
belly, has me laughing, such as
smelly, reminding me of farting,
jelly, whoops, the wobble's starting,
telly, watched by my old gran, Nelly.
Design Fault
Excavating a deep trou-de-loup,
As protection from large wallaroos,
He discovered a hitch
With his reinforced ditch,
When showered with kangaroo poo.
Chippy Tea
A slovenly slattern,
As thin as old latten,
Ate nothing but chips for an age,
Her body so fattened,
She carelessly flattened
Her husband to double 0 gauge.
Getting in shape
The square was sick of being square,
she wanted out, a touch more flair,
a shape more shapely, feminine,
reflecting what she might have been,
part of the inner circle, round,
a bit more radical, profound,
oval, even trifle curly,
not straight shouldered, squat and burly,
sexy, sinuous, a shape
to make contemporaries gape.
Said the hole, don't be a noddy,
I'm overlooked by everybody.
Whatever you say, ma'am,
Will be taken down, used evidentially.
The woman stayed calm,
Knickers then, said confidentially.

The police officer blushed,
His young lady smiled,
The offences were squashed,
The pair reconciled.
A Halloween recipe
Make no mistake when making start
and driving stake through vampire's heart,
for gory sauce, decant this blood,
lukewarm of course, congealed is good.

A snot-blocked nose, some chicken gizzards,
jam-filled toes from rotting lizards,
a corpses flesh stripped from its frame,
nothing too fresh, needs gentle flame.

Belly of snake,  sautéd bottom of dog,
beard of a sheikh, last croak of a frog,
entrepreneur's greed, innocent girl's eye,
that's all you need for dead man's pie.
Molly's ghost
Molly strolled through the park,
in a glow-in-the-dark
hoodie her daughter had bought her.
Creeping behind,
Halloween on his mind,
a naughty ghost looking to haunt her.

Wearing loose pumps,
it gave Molly goosebumps,
when spied from the edge of her hoodie,
but it ran faraway
when she screamed at it, hey
go away mate, I'm one of the goodies.
Evidence shown at his trial
Included a miniature phial
Of drug GHB
Slipped into her G
And T, guilty, despite his denial.
That's all folks
Inquisitive Paul
researched the word caul
in his dictionary, small
finding that wasn't all
that he had the gall
to not know, like scall.
It made him fair waul
to find the word orle

in his erudite trawl
through the absolute sprawl
of words such as pawl,
schorl, meatball and squall,
bookstall, wherewithal,
netball and jackal,
completely enthralled,
it was Paul's wonderwall.
fallen plums,
fruity chums,
foraged by crits
who end up in bits
with headaches 
and sore, runny bums.
He talked through his nose,
And sometimes his arse,
So the stains on his clothes,
Meant his friendships were sparse.
The Blue Mink solution
What we need is a great big melting pot,
Big enough to hold the world, and all it's snot,
Keep it boiling for a hundred years or more,
This should cure coronavirus, that's for sure!
Medal Target
Olympic Bronze,
From the men's trap,
What a bonza result
For having a crap!
My muck
If I paid twenty bucks, for a buckle,
Or, tickled some chooks, for a chuckle,
Looked in a nook, for a knuckle,
Trashed up my truck, for a truckle,
Or taught my dear honey to suckle,
Would that help my muck make a muckle?
Like a flea on a bee,
I go weak at the knee
At the sight of your sensuous body
But over the years,
You've grown massive ears
And I can't help but thinking of Noddy.
Extinct Instinct
Dinosaur baby,
Has been thinking, maybe
From Earth, they may well disappear.
"Don't look so glum,"
Says dinosaur mum,
No, not in a million year."
The Rochdale Sailor
(to the tune of Rochdale Cowboy,  by Mike Harding)
It's hard being a sailor in Rochdale,
The sails don't fit right in me boat,
It's hard being a sailor in Rochdale,
People laugh
When I sail passed
With my Angora Goat.
and Rupert-the-Bear
have something in common
they're happy to share.

Both have been blessed
with considerable fame,
and their middle names, well
they're exactly the same!
Under the influence
Guinevere with her knight, Lancelot
Would go to the disco and dance a lot,
Though he oft rode his steed
With an excess of mead
And ruined their chance of romance, a lot.
Mott the Hoople
Without any scruple,
he played Mott the Hoople,
thus causing his vinyl to rot.
So, switching his focus,
to play Hocus Pocus,
his girl caught him Hoopling the Mott.
Muddled messages
I wore my hood in a huddle,
Whilst jumping in mud in a muddle,
Eating my pud in a puddle,
And chewing the cud for a cuddle.
There are no ghosts,
Her confident boast,
Whispered with fluttering breath
And on that pretext,
She sent him a text,
Twenty years after her death.
The naughty cat
The naughty cat
Shit on the mat,
Her owner went bananas,
Made him wear
Some underwear
And salmon pink pyjamas.
A young Kamikaze,
Acting quite blasé,
Who failed to accomplish his mission,
Was told with disdain
If he did it again,
He'd be dropped to the Hang-Glide Division.
A fit bird
Mynah, a tuneful young bird,
Had a passion for playing with words,
In order to slim,
She went to the gym,
Determined to make her abs 'eard.
The short sighted cricketer
The batsman strolled up to the crease,
Stumbling and peering and prying,
Then took out a handsome glass piece,
And said,"Hang on, I'm getting my eye in."
Growing up
My little sister
is bigger than me,
a boy must have kissed her,
that's what it will be!

Kissing boys makes you grow
right up to the sky,
my mummy should know,
she is thirty feet high!
In a pickle
Trick-trick, trick-trick, trickle,
I'm busting for a wee,
Nick-nick, nick-nick, nickel,
They charged a little fee.

I haven't had a pee since breakfast,
And now it's half past three,

So, pick-pick, pick-pick, pickled
Onions for my tea,
Fick-fick, fick-fick, fickle,
He'll not say no to me!
Amazonian Prime
A wishy Washingtonian
Met amazing Amazonian,
The looks exchanged
Had been prearranged,
And they soon had a baby Babylonian.
Rest in Panties
The woman resting here
Lived her life to the full,
Never showed any fear
Or accepted the dull.
She grabbed the world by the throat,
Drank a pond full of liquor,
And in favourite fur coat,
Lies here with no knickers.
Be careful
Beware of making a smelly wish,
Or you may well end up with a jellyfish,
A restaurant's not-on-your-Nelly dish!
Arctic diet
No penguins are eaten by polar bears,
Is a truth, I am pleased to reveal,
Their massive paws, covered in hair
Prevent them from breaking the seal.
Purple Patch
I hit a purple patch
of cabbage, was the catch.
I noticed when it oozed
and spoiled my brand new shoes.
The Chippy
Whale is in the chip shop,
Enjoying a tasty cod,
Sees the owner, in flip-flops,
And gives him the nod.

Not one to moan,
Not his kind of thing
But he's found a bone
Which he thought he would bring

To the bosses attention.
"That's fine," says the man,
"And, as it's been mentioned,
You may have a free can

Of pop, whilst you're waiting,
We'll cook you a new."
And earns five star rating
On Chippies4You.
Meteo meter
It is not coincidence
that sun
with fun.

And it's of significance,
that rain
with pain.

But I'm damned
if I know
why cello
rhymes with snow!
Bath time bubbles
Rubbery, rubbery,
rubbery, rubbery,
rubbery, rubbery duck.

Spirally, spirally,
spirally, spirally,
spirally, down plughole suck.

Bubbly, bubbly,
bubbly, bubbly,
bubbly, bubbly, bath.

Giggly, giggly,
giggly, giggly,
giggly, giggly, laugh.
The grumpy old giant,
a bully, defiant,
ate a diet of children and mice.
He battered his wife
to an inch of her life,
so, she went to the cops for advice.

The police acted quick,
and soon, he was nicked,
the judge said,"That anger needs lancing."
He was sentenced to hell,
locked into his cell,
and made to watch Strictly Come Dancing.
Come on Eileen!
Venue; White Cliffs, Dover.
Person;  Eileen Dover.
Action;  Did just that.
Result;  Dead end. Splat.
The estate agent
This one here is full of charms,
despite the falling gloom,
it's where the owner keeps her arms,
it's called the elbow room.
The Avian Bomb
Endangered species Kangamus,
is knocked down by a London bus.
Crocogator at the wheel,
apologised for being a heel.
Became distracted by the sight
of Brontodactyl in full flight,
swooping, dropping huge payload,
and liming half the busy road.
Well, I never!
are as light as a feather.
can bat off bad weather.
are as tough as old boots,
and a pig,
is in mud, when it roots.
The ducks and the chickens
were starting a game,
when the referee noticed
that their kits were the same.

Except the ducks feathers 
were covered in mange,
so, the official decided
she'd make the ducks change.

But as the home team,
they insisted, no way,
and the ducks were red-carded
for persistent fowl play!
Get the bus!
Because I fancied pork,
I took the bus to York.
Now, if I'd have wanted lamb,
I'd have had to go to Stam-
ford on the bus,
but, I didn't want the fuss.
Oh, my head!
I awoke, with a bit of a head
feeling decidedly shit,
but when I looked under the bed
I found the remainder of it.
Brain strain
I put my mind to rest,
it was looking rather tired.
A tender little geste
That was really quite inspired.
My tools!
A vicar discovered her clerical
collar, was getting too spherical,
so, she ironed the frill
with her husband's best drill,
which sent the DIY'er hysterical.
Figure of speech

Donkeys bray
and cats meow,
horses neigh
but dogs bow-wow.

Humans talk
their ghosts boo,
parrots squawk
and Holsteins moo.

Villains sneer
and ducks quack,
you my dear
are talking cack!
Coffin dodgin'
I am not dodgin' coffins,
I'm refusing to doff in
my cap, to my maker and quit.
While I have sun,
I will have me some fun,
then I'll hang me around for a bit.
Eating her words
A twenty-three foot brontosaurus
Somehow swallowed a giant thesaurus,
Became rough, grotesque, crude,
Sharp, barbarous, rude,
Bad, rugged, abrupt, indecorous.
Cookin' on gas
The radio is on.
Playing their song,
And he is a whiz with a wok,
Rustling up dishes
For his favourite missus,
He is having a rock round the stock.
He baked me a pud,
deliciously good,
and lovely to have something nice in.
I thought it was rice,
it tasted so nice
but the bastard had given me ricin!
Spell Check
An NHS letter
arrived at my menage,
advising I'd better
get down Burnley Collage,
collage? for a booster
of covid protection.
I gave the note extra
closer inspection.
Silly old sausage,
the letter's a collage,
subliminal message
was maybe a massage?
Audiology, said,
Cardiology, heard
Neurology, the ward she did venture.
Which is maybe as well,
because, deaf as a bell,
she also had early dementia.
He desired a tattoo
on his 'how do you do'
and was charged by the inch,
so did not feel the pinch.
Requesting Llandudno,
he settled for Ludo.
Singing bug
A fat creepy-crawly,
with a voice that was surely
the world's most beguiling descant,
when her nephew poured praise
with unfitting praise,
said,"Your uncle's extant, I'm your aunt."
King Cnut
Old King Cnut
was a well handsome brute,
his dyslexia seemed such a shame.
His royal entourage
lost their decolletage,
whenever the man signed his name.
A brief coffee
An enterprising chorister
was keen to be a barrister
but lack of true cognition
swiftly stifled her ambition,
so, after talks with sister,
she became a top barista.
Britain's Got Talent
A gullible
tried his luck
on the programme X-Factor.
Describing himself
as a fiddler.
the audience
cut off his diddler!
Looking for trouble
On eBay she purchased pestle and mortar,
Paid significantly more bang than she oughta.
It arrived Parcel Force
Then she realised, of course!
They had sent her a weaponry mortar.
Personal trainers,
an utter no-brainer
for dodging those maddening queues.
If you want to look cool,
well, you'd be a fool
to settle for secondhand shoes.
A musician, renowned, Alec Trimble,
Used to drum on his dad's Gallic cymbals.
A black and white pic
Which was taken too quick,
Made him look like a huge phallic symbol.

His girlfriend who saw it was shattered,
Insisting, of course, that it mattered.
Once she had viewed it,
Until he withdrew it,
She chattered and yattered and nattered,
Brain Food
A five times grand master at chess
Had got herself into a mess,
It wasn't her moves
That she sought to improve
But her sandwiches, custard with cress!
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