When Tommy Ramsbottom turned eighteen He said to his mum and his dad "I don't want a present or nothing I'm off for a drink with the lads." The Ramsbottoms lived on the 'social' And struggled to make both ends meet But they stuck twenty quid in his pocket And told him to, "Have a good neet." He met all his mates round the corner At a pub called the 'Satin and Lace' Tom struggled to grow any whiskers So he took some I.D, just in case. Our young hero wasn't a drinker He gen'ly just had one or two But this was his birthday remember And he managed to sink quite a few With bravado he said to the barmaid A lass wi' a lovely big smile "Could I have one of those pickled eggs love? I haven't had one for a while." His hunger was partially sated They started a mini pub-crawl When 'clock on 'town 'all chimed out ten Then,"Let's go and eat," was the call. Our Tommy had never 'ad curry And the menu was quite complicated He was drunk, but not daft, was the lad He sat, and he watched, and he waited. Tommy's buddies had been here before They all seemed to know what to do And fair split their sides when he said "I'll 'ave same as him, vindaloo." Well, after a couple of mouthfuls He were sweating and mopping his 'ed And afraid he'd be poorly at 'table He rushed to the lavvy instead. It were there that our Tommy met Hughie After which, he were feeling much better Then off to the nightclub they went A swish place, called 'La Vienetta.' The drinks were expensive in there It was almost ten bob for a beer And with 'glitter ball spinning on 'ceiling Tommy started to feel a bit queer. Tommy spied a young lady in 'club His mates said,"Yon girl is a cracker." But with curry escaping his pores He had no chance of getting a smacker. His romantic intentions cut short Tommy thought he would call it a night And waving drunken tarrahs to his friends He staggered home feeling 'not right.' Once home his dad went ballistic Because Tom had forgotten his key "Sorry dad, I'm desperate for 'toilet," Tommy's attempt at quick repartee. Following morning though, Tommy felt rotten Met his pals for black coffee at Gregg's His 'ed and his stomach protested Never again, would he eat pickled eggs.