Dauphy’s Philosophy

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Dauphy: I’ve been thinking!

Hobbo: Hmm….

Dauphy: This philophosy malarkey, I could quite get into that!

Hobbo: Philosophy, I think you mean philosophy!

Dauphy: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I’ve been doing a bit of philophowhatever myself and

Hobbo: And you’ve thought up a poem?

Dauphy: How did you know that?

Hobbo: Dauphy, how long have we been pals? Give it here, and I’ll type it up…..

Dauphy's Philosophy
(part one, Hobbo suspects)

To train a dog to
sit, you need a dog to train.
To teach a man to
fish, you need a man, a fish
and a flipping good chippy.

We aim to please

This little story is in response to a good friend of ours who asked us to write a poem about a problem that most males of the species will relate to. Me and Dauphy are always happy to do requests, so here it is. Hope you enjoy it.


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We aim to please

Now this here's a delicate subject
Appertaining to only us blokes
As a poet, I cannot ignore it
And it's often the subject of jokes.

I'm talking of bodily functions
But I'll be as discreet as I can
Womenfolk don't 'ave to read this
Though I bet, they will sneak a quick scan.

It's all got to do with the diff'rence
What me mam used to call 'dangly bits
A woman has need of the toilet
For the 'ole operation, she sits.

We first find this thing, in our nappies
Such a treasure, for any young boy
Then what does your mam go and tell you
It's a present, but it's not a toy.

As lads we are given a bucket
Which we tip upside down, so we reach
We balance a'top, and rest on the rim
Missus, watch where you go with that bleach.

Growin' up, we are taken to visit
This white shiny thing, the urinal
The smell when you walk through the door
Can best be described as caninal.

At home, there is nothing, quite like this
Instead, we must target the pan
It's gen'lly a two handed job
And we aim it, as best as we can.

Now here, lies the crux of the problem
As we stand there, with hands occupied
Not a care in the world, so we whistle
Then, the lid on the bog, starts to slide.

A dilemma of piddling proportions
How do I, take this matter in hand
Without pissing all over the bathroom
Thereby risking, my wife's reprimands.

Quick as a flash, 'ere the lid falls
'Leg lifts, an' I catch it wi' knee
But far from an ideal solution
Me 'ands are now covered in wee.

So ladies, when choosing a toilet
Pick one, wi' a lid what stays put
Don't 'ave them, what drop down while you're streaming
Q.E.D, I think, open and shut.


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The truth should have remained hidden.

Playing Games

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Adios Amigo, Au Revoir Mon Ami!

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Adios Amigo, Au Revoir Mon Ami!

Yesterday, Trump was a president
A tweeting, unbeaten sweetheart,
in White House, no longer a resident
Trump's now a windy old fart.


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Meerkats, queer cats
Kit-Kats and kitty cats
Top Cats, tom cats
Caterpillar, Cheshire cats.

Cat's paw, cat's claw
Cat's cradle, caterwaul
Cat O'Nine- Tails
Cats with nine lives.

Fighting like a
Cat and dog
Who let that cat
out the bag?

My dogs name.
He'll kill those cats
And take the blame.

Dauphy: I wouldn’t kill a cat. I’m not like that!

Hobbo: It’s just a saying, curiosity killed the cat.

Dauphy: Why?

Hobbo: Dunno.

Dauphy: I’d chase one though. I like chasing cats!

Hobbo: And squirrels

Dauphy: Oh yes, squirrels too!

Hobbo: What would you do if you ever caught one?

Dauphy: I’ve not thought of that. Play with it I suppose…

Oppressor to Ornament

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Oppressor to Ornament

When Germany East was abolished
The wall in Berlin got demolished
With shovel and pick
Large chunks of brick
Were taken home proudly, and polished.

What’s in a name?

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What's in a name?

Manta Ray
meets Bob the Cat.
Bob is jealous.
Ray, "Why's that?"

Bobcat says
"My name is fine
But no one says
I'm a Bob of sunshine."

Beware the WordPress Bug!

Dauphy: You’re in a better mood this morning!

Hobbo: WordPress have sorted our blog out.

Dauphy: Was it the fuffel valve, like I said?

Hobbo: Nope.

Dauphy: The giggling shaft then?

Hobbo: It was the re-usable blocks.

Dauphy: Are you talking Yorkshire again?

Hobbo: When I type one of your brilliant poems onto a page, I turn it into a re-usable block.

Dauphy: Sounds like something to put in the toilet!

Hobbo: I put the re-usable block onto another page, and then post it.

Dauphy: At the Post Office?

Hobbo: On the site. Apparently, I had somehow got a re-usable block inside another re-usable block and that had frozen everything!

Dauphy: Sounds complicated. Can I stick to writing poems?

Hobbo: Course you can.

Dauphy: So how did you solve it.

Hobbo: By deleting all of my re-usable blocks. All 510 of them!

Dauphy: Blimey! You’d better warn other WordPress readers.

Hobbo: I think you’ve just done that Dauphy!

Dauphy: Have I? Does that mean I get a snooze now?…

The thief

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The thief

disguised as a friend
who is with us forever
old age steals our youth.
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