Essential tremor

This is a re-post of a semi-autobiographical story about a man with essential tremor. This neurological condition affects hundreds of thousands of people worldwide, making it difficult to perform the simplest of tasks. I have the condition, and if I can laugh about it, why shouldn’t you? If you want to know more, just Google ‘essential tremor.’

Hobbo

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com
Shaken, not stirred

Stanley, a butcher's assistant
Lived at home with his mum, and his gran
A dog, fifteen cats and a budgie
And a lodger from Uzbekistan.

The dog was a mongrel, named Scruffy
Stan fed him 'scrag end' from the store
'Cats got bits of fish from the chippy
'Bird, seed, from the pet shop next door.

They all rubbed along pretty nicely
And 'lodger 'elped out wi' his keep
They'd sit round 'gas fire watching telly
Until granny and mum fell asleep.

From his gran, Stan had picked up a problem
Shaking hands, like the leaves on a tree
This made eating and drinking a problem
And soup were a catastroph-ee.

'Butcher's patience had finally run out
When young Stan cut his hand, with a yelp
"That's umpteenth time, only this week lad
I think you need medical 'elp."

Before he could visit the doctor's
His mum checked out how he were dressed
"We don't want no tittlin' or tattlin'
I've laid out on 'bed 'Sunday best."

Stanley sat doodlin' in 'surg'ry
A bit feeling down in the dumps
Wi' 'coughers and 'sniffers and such like
And a boy wi' a bad case of mumps.

His first diagnosis was Parky's
Which came as a bit of a shock
But after some prodding and poking
He was sent to a specialist doc.

"You've something called ee-senshul tremor,"
Stan was told,with some justification
"It's not a life threatening condition
We'll put you on strong medication."

The specialist prescribed him three tablets
One yellow, one white and one red
Two to be taken at mealtimes
And one with his cocoa at bed.

Medicated, he shook like a jelly
More discussion, and consideration
The hospital theatre were beckoning
For a bit of a brain operation.

At the hozzie they gave him a checkup
His ticker was tocking so slow
That knocking him out for the surg'ry
Was a lux'ry he'd have to forego.

Six hours with no anaesthetic!
Two big 'oles in his 'ed, Stan were stressed
Sticking 'lectrodes and probes in his noggin
And a pacemaker thing in his chest.

A fancy remote he were given
Big improvements is what he were hoping
'Operation did help him a bit
And with eating his food, he was coping.

Soon, Stan was back at the butcher's
Let loose with this 'uge boning knife
A 'glass half full' kind of person
Who looked on the bright side of life.

So, pleased with the little improvements
He gave 'budgie a peck on its beak
Granny's bird had the avian flu though
Stanley curled up his toes within 'week.

His mum, mortified at his passing
Had checked Stan's insurance again
One payment short on the premium
She'd have to make do wi' free pen.

The family were very upset
Played his favourite song at the wake
The group were 'The Swinging Blue Jeans,'
The record was 'Hip' Hippy Shake.'

Shakin' Stanley it said on his 'eadstone
Shook his last, no more 'Rattle and Roll'
'All shook up' on a permanent basis
And may God rest his shiverin' soul.

To his wonderment, Stan went to 'eaven
Passed the Man in the Moon and the stars
Gave Orion the 'unter his belt back
And took a sharp right after Mars.

When he reached 'pearly gates, Stan were baffled
Saint Peter had asked for a word
"I've got you a job in the bar, son
God's Martinis are shaken, not stirred."

11 Comments on “Essential tremor

    • The remote does have an off button. Mrs Hobbo put me up for sale once with my remote thrown in free. There were no takers!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh, excellent! Another fine Yorkshire poem…sorry to hear you have this condition. Hope you didn’t really need the operation, that sounds scary 😳

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you. No worries. Something I’ve had for about twenty years now, just gets steadily worse. One of the pleasures of ageing!
      I did have the op, a couple of years ago. No anaesthetic, which I wasn’t told about until the last minute, and yes, it was!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Your condition not an easy thing to deal with, glad that you’re a glass half full guy.
    I love the ending, great job for Stan 🍸he’d never make it as gods tailor. πŸ˜πŸ˜‰πŸ’™

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Epic! There’s a reason you are indeed, “PM.” Hope the best for you, which, as you wait for and on no one and press on marvelously, you seem to have in hand.

    Liked by 1 person

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