Me granddad were never sartorial
He was, to be honest, a scruff
Who frittered away most of his money
On tobacco and 'osses and stuff.
He always wore same 'orrid cardy
A monstrosity med out o' cotton
Dirty and threadbare and smelly
This manky old thing were quite rotten.
When younger, he worked down the jam mines
Blasting out strawb'rries and plums
Then he'd slope off to 'pub wi' his whippet
And neck a few beers wi' his chums.
He kept 'issen fit fer a pensioner
Only five days a week on the sick
And even well into his eighties
He could sprint hundred yards wi' his stick.
The old man just med it to hundred
Then curled up his toes and he died
I 'ad to break news to our granny
Who I swear, on my life, nearly cried.
He was given a good send off by Co-Op
Folk travelled from near and from far
They wheeled 'im to church in a barrer
Which saved the expense of a car.
For 'reading of 'will, we all gathered
Tension, it were ramped up a notch
Gran got his pigeons and slippers
And dad 'is retirement watch.
Granddad 'ad not forgot me though
In a carefully weaved codicil
He left me his stinky old cardy
And that's all I got from 'is will.
Now, if this were a fairy type story
Tha' would treasure the cardy, not knock it
Tha'd search through the garment for money
And tha'd find summat grand in the pocket.
Well, I did that, I searched it for goodies
But the pockets were as empty as sin
So I rolled the thing up in a bundle
And left it outside for the bin.
Me mum said, "Tha' can't leave it there lad
What will folk say, get a grip.
Anyway, this week's recycling
Tha'll 'ave to tek thing to the tip".
I set off to 'tip on me pushbike
Pedals went round 'ell fer leather
Got there and then 'eavens opened
Typical wet British weather.
I'm just going to chuck granddad's cardy
When a dainty young thing caught me eye
Deirdrie, the tip's supervisor
Says, "Come 'ere lad, and keep thissen dry".
Pretty soon, we found ourselves chatting
Things come to a head, as they say
Before I had time to say granddad
I'm saying to her, name the day.
My fiance were a real beauty
Wi' her dimples and pimples and spots
And a rash spread all ovver her body
I spent many hours joining the dots.
We were wed in 'same church as me granddad
She, ten minutes late, not too tardy
With me wearing, you'll nivver guess it
A smart three piece suit, not that cardy.