5. Hobbo’s shorts

Photo by Thiago Miranda on Pexels.com
Thanks for your considerate parking;
a can opener helped get me out,
done without scratching or marking
your car, you ignorant lout.
In the swim
When women
go swimming
they must
tuck their chin in
from spinning
to have chance
of winning.
Whiskery stubble
is nothing but trouble,
daily it grows on our chin.
For women, it's worse,
the bikini line curse,
all that itching of delicate skin.
Bought unseen
(or the perils of online shopping)
The billionare Czech
had neglected to check
before writing huge cheque
for the castle that bounced.
A spirit
with spirit
drank spritzer
and spirits
to get
in the spirit.
What spirit!
The Gym
Sunbed Spartans
sporting suntans,
sculpted, chiseled features,
so much anguish
to distinguish
one of God's fine creatures.
Her favourite flicks,
had a scary theme,
so, for frightening pics
she bought a flat scream.
A golfing club's honorary member,
Who was cursed with a horrible temper,
And could waffle all day
Despite nothing to say,
Became M.P, thus, honorable member.
A flutter
Ellie, in her nightie,
Silver lady, flighty,
A most prestigious mascot.
Everything is phoney,
I lost it on a pony
Which came in last at Ascot.
Forget the chill,
please do sit still,
my darling, Mona Lisa.
He's the moaner,
fussy loner,
that Da Vinci geezer.
Keeping tabs on the jabs
from the labs, in my flab,
though not fab, I don't blab,
prefer stabs to a slab.
Relax Max
Mastication -
Constipation -
Medication -
Church attendance
I don't go to church on Sundays,
I like to think God needs a rest,
I'd ring for a chat sometime, Mondays,
But, don't want him to think I'm a pest.
Face the facts
Oh, I know you,
Like the back of my hand,
Which has got a tattoo
Of a head in the sand.
A personal problem
The optician told me
That I have floaters!
Toilet problems are private
And no one likes gloaters!
A mathematical solution
Although, as a rule, I would fear 'em,
I agree with the number four theorem,
Which states that,'they can not repeat,'
And means, none of my four wives will meet!
Some scents are delicate,
Others are sweet,
Then there's the alley cat
Who smells like your feet.
Fast Food
McDonalds, mcmunching mctea,
Mcmissus phones in a mchurry,
Not even mctime for mcwee,
Had to mcdo with mcflurry!
(with thanks to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)
When I was a girl,
I had a little curl,
right in the middle of my forehead.
Now, I am a boy,
I have no need to be coy,
And I show everybody my warhead!
Shredded Meat
Dance prepared,
in trousers flared,
I took a fork
and pulled some pork.
Whether from Harrow or Eton,
We are all destined to be eaten.
No matter how upper our crust,
We are all of us, heading to dust.
Take them off!
It's not orthodox
to wear only socks,
and nor is it sexy,
I'll have apoplexy!
When the Saints
go marching in,
before you lumber
me in their number,
where are the going,
and where have they been?
Old Advice
Sing as if no one can hear you,
Advice from his favourite niece,
So, he did, in the morning, at two
Got arrested for breach of the peace.
Not my turn
A hearse went passed me today,
Luckily, I wasn't in it,
Though, as I have one on the way,
I did stop and check, for a minute.
The fraudulent chef
My, have you seen
how thin that chef looks?
I've a feeling he's been
cooking his books!
Unbeatable Offer!
'Haircuts while you wait',
So the placard said.
Did you imagine, mate,
I was going to leave my head!
The Old Romantic
We made love, right here, on the floor,
until she was begging, "No more!"
I've become quite the old Casanova,
as the ad break wasn't quite over!
Car Parking
The ticket may say non-transferable,
But the logic is incontrovertible,
If you rip us off, five quid an hour,
We will beat you with customer power!
I am no longer svelte,
It's a bit of a riddle,
Why the ends of my belt
Will not meet in the middle!
R.I.P Joe
Here, the remains of bungalow Joe,
Cop signalled stop, Joe thought she meant, no,
Which, when you are driving a forty-ton truck,
On a freeway, in rush hour, is more than bad luck.
The violin scammer
Ned dealt in violins, various
Sold each as a true Stradivarius.
His schemes turned to dust,
An electric one bust,
And now he is Ned the Nefarious.
A question of size
To my surprise,
a seed is the size,
to hold a tree.
Well, goodness me!
Half her bra
was stuffed with socks.
The movie star
had equinox.
A virtual world
I am sending a virtual gift
to give you a virtual lift.
It will make me a virtual hero
and the cost will be virtually zero!
Vests in the vestry
A woman, addicted to liquor,
Woke up with a twist in her knickers.
They were not M and S,
And her very best guess
Was, she'd got them mixed up with the vicar's.
Poor spelling
I overheard my missus
say she had an S.T.D.
What a silly error this is,
it's S-T-U-D, me!
If we didn't have knees,
our knees wouldn't bend
and in a stiff breeze
we'd fall end over end!
Health food
An apple a day
keeps the doctor at bay,
but make no mistake
I would rather eat cake,
or pizza or ice cream
or strawberries with fresh cream.
Anything but grapple
with a boring old apple.
In praise of the cardy
A cardigan's warm woolen decadence,
simply oozes sartorial elegance,
whilst muffling embarrassing flatulence.

The pullover, but a poor relative,
is shorter, and therefore it doesn't give
quite the same cover superlative.

The Commonwealth
Whilst ever we're part of the Commonwealth,
Good Queen Liz, I will drink to your health.
All that democracy wrapped up in a noun,
Would you mind, awfully, if I borrowed our crown?
The rest
For the rest of my life, I shall...rest.
The clue's in the phrase, I suspect.
I have done with the worry and stress.
This old body deserves some respect.
in the days when neanderthal man
lived in neanderthal caves
lots of neanderthal closets
must have been full of neanderthal gays
She had an awful demeanour,
Her attitude couldn't be meaner.
Miserable as sin
She would not crack a grin,
Which is strange, for a laughing hyena.
The queen of couplets
Not a word of it dross
yes an epic epos
she is poetry's boss
On the level
A Mason from Western Australia
Purchased some pre-worn regalia,
A smidgen too little,
His voice became brittle
As caused by his squashed genitalia.
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