5. Hobbo’s shorts

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Absolutely everything I know about women

The end
Hairy monkey up a tree
Living wild and swinging free,
Baring bum for all to see,
Cheeky monkey, he he he.
King or queen, 
Vicar or tart,
We all have to lean
When we're sitting, to fart.
First Born
I wipe
your nose,
you blow
my mind.
Your babygrow's
so small,
I find.
Great Women
Behind every great man
Lie many long years of misogyny,
And every great woman
Will not be defined by her progeny.
your world goes to pot
and it makes you feel old
when your head's full of snot
and your lost in a cold
Hunger Pangs
Lizzie Dripping, skinny-dipping
In the great north sea,
Met a shark, who spied a snack
Of ten-fish-fingered tea.
Lice eat rice
and mice are nice
but cats are bats
and rats are twats.
The rugby player
A bleeding nose, a broken foot,
a dislocated thumb,
nothing really serious,
so point me at that scrum.

v the Footballer
He pulled my hair and tugged my shirt,
then broke a fingernail,
get a grip ref, send him off,
I'm feeling rather pale.
A lovely time in York,
Our day of gentle rambles,
Surprised to hear some talk
Of city in a shambles.
I used to love gran's apple pies,
Till she said what lay beneath.
To get those crinkly edges
She uses her false teeth.
Growing older
I hate this growing older,
my childhood sweetheart said.
Listen girl, I told her,
If we didn't, we'd be dead.
Queens' English
The Queen's English,
why, we know this
- she won't misuse
Mask etiquette
I wear a mask on my chin,
I'm a cool looking dude,
It tickles the skin
But it catches my food.
Fortune telling
My future must be very small
to fit inside a crystal ball;
our lives are over in a flash,
a quick one-two and then, we're ash.
Our next fixture - Toulouse, away,
So, to Toulouse, we'll have to roam.
No team likes Toulouse away,
But even worse, to lose, at home.
The replacement
It's raining in my heart
But there's sunshine in my soul,
I'm at the livestock mart
Where I've bought a little foal.
Minor irritations
There are three things that get on her nerves:
Politicians, not held to account
And the other disdain she reserves
Is for people unable to count.
The haircut
Delilah cut Sam's hair
While sleeping in recliner
And when his head was bare
Poor Sam sung in D-Minor.
My Love
My love is like
A red, red rose;
Full of spikes
With a big red nose.
Que sera
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be,
My mother has wrecked the car
But I'm still having chips for tea.
He cleaved to her cleaving, bereft;
For when she had left, he was left
Per custom, in custom made clothes
To sanction what sanction, who knows?
The upgrade
My greenhouse is nix;
nothing much grows.
I'm ditching green bricks,
reinstalling Windows.
Naked ambition
Followers grown by ten,
The figure relentlessly hikes;
Live to two hundred and then
I may possibly reach twenty likes.
Stay Calm
Though sameness
is a dour flower,
is a superpower.
Just had
No more cuts
save are pichers
save are poole
save are teachas
save are scool
The Hospital
Blue skies,
Rita - Visitor.
Nine by nine by nine,
She really is a cool dude,
Those colours all aligned,
Her Rubik's Cube on YouTube.
The bursary
When he cheekily asked for a bursary,
The reply was rapid but cursory,
We don't hand out grants
To kids in short pants
Particularly those still at nursery.
Trees please.
Peas freeze.
Girls tease.
Boys squeeze.
A sheep called Shaun
Stood out from the crowd,
His legs had been sawn
Off, he looked like a cloud.
Pilots do it highly,
Sailors do it wetter,
Bores just do it dryly
But gamblers do it better.
Miming takes timing
to be a sensation
but rhyming needs priming,
a muse, stimulation.
The carpenter
A carpenter known as the hammerer
While speaking, was always a stammerer.
When told, dirty pics
Could cure verbal tics,
He purchased a muddy c-camera.
Hot Stuff
She spiced her
Spicy sausage course
With saucy
Spicy sausage sauce.
Mums and suns
you're a rock,
a chip off the block.
And, sun,
you're a star
said Mother Earth Ma.
First Impressions
A London city slicker's
Appearance prompted snickers.
He looked a hoot
In pin-striped suit
And not the kipper's knickers.
Lost time
They say that
time's a healer;
well, I am
it might work
for the youngsters
but time is
killing me!
A numbers race
One, won,
Two, too;
Fair's fair,
Both drew.
The Ashes
Our Ashes in ashes
As down goes each wicket,
Australia thrashes
My team at test Cricket.
to scurry 
is to hurry
as to scuttle
is to hasten
hobbo needs
his curry
as a piggy
needs his bacon
in my Diana,
helps her play
our old pianner.
Thanks for your considerate parking;
a can opener helped get me out,
done without scratching or marking
your car, you ignorant lout.
In the swim
When women
go swimming
they must
tuck their chin in
from spinning
to have chance
of winning.
Whiskery stubble
is nothing but trouble,
daily it grows on our chin.
For women, it's worse,
the bikini line curse,
all that itching of delicate skin.
Bought unseen
(or the perils of online shopping)
The billionare Czech
had neglected to check
before writing huge cheque
for the castle that bounced.
A spirit
with spirit
drank spritzer
and spirits
to get
in the spirit.
What spirit!
The Gym
Sunbed Spartans
sporting suntans,
sculpted, chiseled features,
so much anguish
to distinguish
one of God's fine creatures.
Her favourite flicks,
had a scary theme,
so, for frightening pics
she bought a flat scream.
A golfing club's honorary member,
Who was cursed with a horrible temper,
And could waffle all day
Despite nothing to say,
Became M.P, thus, honorable member.
A flutter
Ellie, in her nightie,
Silver lady, flighty,
A most prestigious mascot.
Everything is phoney,
I lost it on a pony
Which came in last at Ascot.
Forget the chill,
please do sit still,
my darling, Mona Lisa.
He's the moaner,
fussy loner,
that Da Vinci geezer.
Keeping tabs on the jabs
from the labs, in my flab,
though not fab, I don't blab,
prefer stabs to a slab.
Relax Max
Mastication -
Constipation -
Medication -
Church attendance
I don't go to church on Sundays,
I like to think God needs a rest,
I'd ring for a chat sometime, Mondays,
But, don't want him to think I'm a pest.
Face the facts
Oh, I know you,
Like the back of my hand,
Which has got a tattoo
Of a head in the sand.
A personal problem
The optician told me
That I have floaters!
Toilet problems are private
And no one likes gloaters!
A mathematical solution
Although, as a rule, I would fear 'em,
I agree with the number four theorem,
Which states that,'they can not repeat,'
And means, none of my four wives will meet!
Some scents are delicate,
Others are sweet,
Then there's the alley cat
Who smells like your feet.
Fast Food
McDonalds, mcmunching mctea,
Mcmissus phones in a mchurry,
Not even mctime for mcwee,
Had to mcdo with mcflurry!
(with thanks to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)
When I was a girl,
I had a little curl,
right in the middle of my forehead.
Now, I am a boy,
I have no need to be coy,
And I show everybody my warhead!
Shredded Meat
Dance prepared,
in trousers flared,
I took a fork
and pulled some pork.
Whether from Harrow or Eton,
We are all destined to be eaten.
No matter how upper our crust,
We are all of us, heading to dust.
Take them off!
It's not orthodox
to wear only socks,
and nor is it sexy,
I'll have apoplexy!
When the Saints
go marching in,
before you lumber
me in their number,
where are the going,
and where have they been?
Old Advice
Sing as if no one can hear you,
Advice from his favourite niece,
So, he did, in the morning, at two
Got arrested for breach of the peace.
Not my turn
A hearse went passed me today,
Luckily, I wasn't in it,
Though, as I have one on the way,
I did stop and check, for a minute.
The fraudulent chef
My, have you seen
how thin that chef looks?
I've a feeling he's been
cooking his books!
Unbeatable Offer!
'Haircuts while you wait',
So the placard said.
Did you imagine, mate,
I was going to leave my head!
The Old Romantic
We made love, right here, on the floor,
until she was begging, "No more!"
I've become quite the old Casanova,
as the ad break wasn't quite over!
Car Parking
The ticket may say non-transferable,
But the logic is incontrovertible,
If you rip us off, five quid an hour,
We will beat you with customer power!
I am no longer svelte,
It's a bit of a riddle,
Why the ends of my belt
Will not meet in the middle!
R.I.P Joe
Here, the remains of bungalow Joe,
Cop signalled stop, Joe thought she meant, no,
Which, when you are driving a forty-ton truck,
On a freeway, in rush hour, is more than bad luck.
The violin scammer
Ned dealt in violins, various
Sold each as a true Stradivarius.
His schemes turned to dust,
An electric one bust,
And now he is Ned the Nefarious.
A question of size
To my surprise,
a seed is the size,
to hold a tree.
Well, goodness me!
Half her bra
was stuffed with socks.
The movie star
had equinox.
A virtual world
I am sending a virtual gift
to give you a virtual lift.
It will make me a virtual hero
and the cost will be virtually zero!
Vests in the vestry
A woman, addicted to liquor,
Woke up with a twist in her knickers.
They were not M and S,
And her very best guess
Was, she'd got them mixed up with the vicar's.
Poor spelling
I overheard my missus
say she had an S.T.D.
What a silly error this is,
it's S-T-U-D, me!
If we didn't have knees,
our knees wouldn't bend
and in a stiff breeze
we'd fall end over end!
Health food
An apple a day
keeps the doctor at bay,
but make no mistake
I would rather eat cake,
or pizza or ice cream
or strawberries with fresh cream.
Anything but grapple
with a boring old apple.
In praise of the cardy
A cardigan's warm woolen decadence,
simply oozes sartorial elegance,
whilst muffling embarrassing flatulence.

The pullover, but a poor relative,
is shorter, and therefore it doesn't give
quite the same cover superlative.

The Commonwealth
Whilst ever we're part of the Commonwealth,
Good Queen Liz, I will drink to your health.
All that democracy wrapped up in a noun,
Would you mind, awfully, if I borrowed our crown?
The rest
For the rest of my life, I shall...rest.
The clue's in the phrase, I suspect.
I have done with the worry and stress.
This old body deserves some respect.
in the days when neanderthal man
lived in neanderthal caves
lots of neanderthal closets
must have been full of neanderthal gays
She had an awful demeanour,
Her attitude couldn't be meaner.
Miserable as sin
She would not crack a grin,
Which is strange, for a laughing hyena.
The queen of couplets
Not a word of it dross
yes an epic epos
she is poetry's boss
On the level
A Mason from Western Australia
Purchased some pre-worn regalia,
A smidgen too little,
His voice became brittle
As caused by his squashed genitalia.
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