Animals and Nature

Storm clouds

When bad weather reigns
And wind turns to reign,
When dark clouds are hooded and shrouded,
When there's nought on the wing
And birds cease to sing
That's when the sky's overclouded.

Public Relations

Squirrel and rat
Were having a chat,
Squirrel being boastful and pushy,
"You don't look like me,
People love me, you see
Because I've got a tail that is bushy."

Bird Table

This table is the pits,
It always disappoints,
The food here gives me squits,
It's such a seedy joint.

My Child

My darling child,
as you journey through life,
I wish you love.

Not the destructive love
of wealth and material things,
but the constant love 
of family and friends.

Not that selfish love
of my, me, self
but the fulfilling love
of helping others.

As you grow older,
I pray that you will learn to love
truth, honesty, justice, integrity,
health, happiness, freedom and equality.

I wish you
the passionate love
of a lover,
and the faithful love
of a soul mate,
but most of all
love of life.

My child, I love you
and I give you
my parental love,
unceasing and unconditional
until the day I die.

Cut Flowers

The colourful tower
Of beautiful flowers
Brightening up her grave,
Will sadly decay
In a similar way
As the loved one who couldn't be saved.

Pet Choice

When children are yearning a pet,
Choose with care, or you'll live to regret.
Fishes, you don't need to walk,
Parrots of course, love to talk.
If your neighbour continually rants,
Buy a tom cat to crap on his plants.

Instead of a horse, get a donkey,
And claim it's a pony, but wonky.
All rodents, like rats, come in cheap
But beavers are buggers to keep.
Consider a fluffy white rabbit,
Though they eat their own shit, dirty habit.

Elephants, I don't recommend,
The things that they touch, tend to bend.
Monkeys are good for a laugh,
Or, not scared of heights, a giraffe.
Not much room, try a budgie, or frog
But the best pet by miles is a dog.

Green

The colour of grass, of leaves, fresh limes
Rebirth, renewal and hopeful times.
Green for go, for yes, for caring,
Issues environmental, sharing.

It is growth, it's nature in all its glory.
New shoots telling a different story,
Jealousy, envy, so no surprise
That green is the colour of your beautiful eyes.

The Assassin

He died
in excruciating  agony,
flat on his back,
limbs flailing,
choking with
each breath,
the toxin
burning his lungs,
each dying gasp
an inhuman noise,
a call for mercy,
a plea to me,
his killer.

This wasn't
just murder,
it was cruel
torture.
When I procured
the poison,
I gave no thought
To how protracted
and painful
his death would be.
I felt ashamed,
remorseful,
but then again,
I hate flies.

Animal Behaviour

A bloodthirsty Viking
Took a bit of a liking
To plundering people by force,
His raping prowess
Was a bestial mess
And got worse when he married a Norse.

Life's Cycle

I'm a dot in a spot, and feel a bit pasty,
Get some gel in my belly, mmm that's real tasty.
I must be a male, got a tail, think I'll go for a swim,
Two legs, now four legs, they grow on a whim.
The tail's done a bunk, shrunk, time to rest on this log,
Hop off, then cop off with a nice female frog.

Daddy's Girl

He loved his darling daughter,
The apple of his eye
And how did he support her?
He baked her in a pie.

Spiders

Little Miss Muffet
Decided to tough it,
And keep some arachnids at home.
The world wide web beckoned
With successes unreckoned
And paid for her own spiderdome.

I wish I could...

I would not at all
Be a fly on the wall.
Imagine listening to chat
And then someone goes splat!

Recycling

She found a dead hedgehog
Under a bush
Shoved a stick in its bottom
And made a bog brush.

Addiction

Smokey, the rabbit
Had a cigarette habit,
He'd lie in his hay
Smoking forty a day.

He tried nicotine patches,
Then vegetable patches,
Till he grew some strange seed
And now smokes his own weed.

Dawn chorus

I sing to chase away
The grey at break of day.
I am not part of nature,
I am nature.
The breeze gently ruffling
The feathers on my chest.
The rising sun
Warming my soul.
The delicate branch
I balance upon.
And you,
Who take time out
From your busy life
To listen to me.
We are all one,
And I trill my song of joy
In celebration
Of sharing
My tiny life
With the breathtaking beauty
Of nature.

Swimming

Life
is an ocean
of hope
and promise
in which
we must first
hold our breath
and then
teach ourselves
to swim.

Wind

Life's a gas
Living with you,
Your musical ass,
And burping too!

It's only a name

For her eighteenth, they bought her a horse,
Thoroughbred, black, a real beauty.
After carefully considering, of course,
She decided to name him...Lord Snooty.

The Shower

Power spent
The cloud burst,
Flowers bent
To quench their thirst.

Sadly True

Caught in flagrante,
Without any pants, he
Claimed that his dog had attacked.
Though the back of his suite,
With clothes folded and neat,
Proved that this was a lie, not a fact.

King Harry

As King he was arrogant, peerless,
His fights on the battlefield, fearless,
Till a sword left him red
On each side of the head
And now he's called 'arry the earless.

Reflections

Who's this old guy in the glass
Mirroring me, bold as brass?
Where did that young feller go,
The one who could never say no/

And the boy with a head full of dreams,
A long distant memory it seems.
Would I swap all, and do it again?
No, not while my memories remain.

Bathing the dog

You're too muddy, buddy, it's time for a bath.
If you think, in the sink, then you're having a laugh.
Get those paws out of doors, where the hosepipe is waiting.
Yesterday, a delay, now there's no hesitating.
First, wet you through, with the head set to spray,
Then unscrew the shampoo, don't you dare run away!
Rub it in, to the skin, get a nice soapy lather.
Oh, sad eyes, no surprise, I know that you'd rather

Be racing, ball chasing, or searching for food.
Oh dear, what's this here, whilst I'm in the mood.
Pull these manky old cankers, stuck to your bum,
A good rinse will evince, that you're nearly done chum.
Now a couple of supple old towels to dry,
And a push with the brush, get that hair out your eye.
You look sleek as a Greek, oh for goodness sake,
You avenge, get revenge, with a brisk body shake!

Scoop that poop

What a hullabaloo
About picking up poo.
Simply, bag it and bin it,
As soon as you've seen it.
Don't pull that stunt
Of walking in front
Of your dog when it poos,
Pretending it's news.
Claim, you were not aware
That he'd left his mess there.
Pick it up, it's your show,
Fait comme il faut.

Gardener's Blues

Bedding plant blooms,
Tucked in and snug.
Colourful plumes,
For my gardening bug.

All's looking swell,
Then overnight frost,
Creeps in, like a smell
And everything's lost.

Veterinary Advice

To cool a koala,
Give it ice cubes.
To tame a tough tiger,
Tickle its boobs.

The underage bird

Don't undermine her,
Minnie, a mynah,
Owned by a miner,
Is only a minor.

King Fisher

Statue still,
Electric blue,
Dives for kill,
Fish, his coup.

A slipper customer

A snake, of a loving compunction,
Was served, by his wife, an injunction.
She wanted divorce,
Stating reasons because,
Her male had a reptile dysfunction.

Carrion Crow

Scavenging for road kill,
Had sufficient toad fill.
Misjudges her escape plan,
And wiped out by a white van.
Is crushed under its wheel,
To become the next fresh meal.

Deception

Like a bee
alighting
on an artificial flower,
I am dazzled 
by your beauty,
captivated
by your promises.
tantalising glimpses
of good things to come.

But,
like that flower,
you
are all show,
decoration,
trimmings,
appearances.
No substance.
No soul.

Mortality

Cherry blossom flowers,
Confetti on a tree,
Lifespan only hours,
Then breezes set you free.

What a wonderful world

The sky is a beautiful blue,
With clouds that are wonderfully white.
The daisies are dappled with dew,
And I'm on a promise tonight.

Dental Hygiene

Bush your teeth
Three times a day,
Or else, young shark,
They will decay.

A giant shark
With only gums,
Would have to live
On sugar plums.

The sexist snail

A tech savvy snail
Sent a sexist email,
And landed in jail,
By leaving a trail.

Beware of social climbers

Daisy was the sort of duck
Who didn't give a pheasant's pluck
For anything except herself.
Her fresh laid eggs were help yourself.

To reach the top, she'd climb your back,
Insist on having, the last quack.
Preen herself in any quarter,
Using mirrors on the water.

Till that day, when she was smitten,
By a loudmouth, booming Bittern.
Was this love reciprocated?
Nope. He killed her, once he'd mated.

An avian squabble

Robin and starling
Fought for a worm.
Starling was strong,
But robin stood firm.

Tug of war waged,
Worm was stretched narrow,
Then lumbricus morsel
Was nicked by a sparrow.

Confusing Astronomy

As the Moon's a balloon,
And the Sun has been spun,
If Saturn's a spoon
And Uranus, your bum.
When Mercury melts,
And Jupiter rocks.
If Venus wears belts
That she stole from Mar's frocks.
As Earth is the third
Little rock from the sun,
Then how have you heard
Which planet I am on.

Scotland

What scenery, such greenery, the glens, the hills, the heather.
The outdoor life, the deer, wildlife, and rotten bloody weather.
The old historic places, the mountain tops and ridges,
Bagpipes, the friendly faces, and millions of midges.

Panda

Panda,
eats shoots and leaves.
Gander,
hoots shits and breathes.

What's afoot?

I stroll down the street,
Appraising my feet,
Which, as I am tall,
Appear rather small.

Now, if I was shorter,
Say, height of my daughter,
These fine leather shoes
Would look like canoes.

filthypigeon.com

A gleaming red Ferrari,
His very favourite car he
Paused, till it slowed down and stopped,
Then swooped, and he pooped and he plopped.

Young Love

Come play my love, in field of dreams.
Let's quench our thirst, by mountain streams,
And feast upon the fruits above,
With guidance from the stars above.
Let passion flower hereabout
Then home, before your dad finds out.

Black Dogs 

This black dog inside my head, 
Makes me sad, depressed. 
My black dog, who's just been fed, 
Is my best pal. I'm blessed

Hair, Hair

I used to have hair on my head,
Now I'm old, I'm as bald as a coot.
It sprouts from my nostrils instead
So only my nose is hirsute.

Femland

In a country called Femland
They are changing the law.
Soon adulterous men
Won't exist any more.

Femmes can snip manhood,
With utter impunity.
The law will protect them,
And grant them immunity.

So, that men who can not,
Keep it tucked in their smalls
Are in very grave danger
of losing their balls.

The Skull

Buried beneath
centuries of secrets.
Layer
upon compressed layer
of mystery
and intrigue.

Unearthed
to make way
for a car park.
Treated
with more reverence
than ever
you commanded
in this life.

Forensically examined.
A large gash
almost cleaved you
in two.
A violent death.
For what cause?
For what lover?

Does the passage
of time
ease
your departure?
Make it
less bloody,
less painful,
less wrong?

Does it matter?

At six feet four, a man is tall.
If five feet four, considered small.
A mere twelve inch between the two,
So size does matter, whippy doo!

A Yorksher compliment 

Second only to me dog,
Tha's  the best thing in me life
And tha' knows I love yon dog
More than what I love me wife.

Dauphy writes...

The dog who ignores
Having paws, without cause,
Will get sores on his paws,
Unless he has claws.

Family Planning

"Insects in specs
Should never have sex,
I expect", she conjects,
But why, she forgets.

Daffodils
Tiny yellow trumpets,
Heralding the Spring.
Makes my heart go thump, it's
Enough to make me sing.

Mum

Dandelions
thrust proudly
into her palm.
"I love you mummy",
she said.

A floral gift
with love
from her
three year old daughter.
She cried.

Mum's house,
shedding secrets
after she died.
Fond memories.
Old books.

Inside a cover,
pressed flowers.
Dandelions.
'With love', it said.
She cried.

The Novelist

Teddy bear Winnie the Pooh,
Wrote a new novel, a hard 'un,
All about growing bamboo,
And titled it,'Pooh in the garden'.

The Dung Beetle

If you eat shit,
you 
are a dung beetle.

If you live in shit,
you
are a burrower.

If you bury your shit,
you
are a tunneler.

But, if you flaunt your shit,
you
are a high roller.

The beer drinker

An old speckled hen,
Went out for a drink.
Said the barman, "Now then.
Whaddya think?"

"I have an ale,
That is named after you."
"Now, that is a tall tale,
You've a beer named Sue?"

Herbivores

If we were all vegan,
We could furlough the cows.
We wouldn't eat bacon,
And could re-deploy sows.

We could re-train the lambs,
Put the sheep on the dole.
And as for the sausage,
He would have a new role.

This little piggy

This little pig went to market,
All of the spots had been taken.
With a van-full and nowhere to park it,
She struggled to sell her own bacon. 

Tiger, tiger

Tiger, tiger burning bright,
What idiots set you alight?
If you name those firestarters,
We will have their guts for garters.

Canine Therapy

If your work's in a mess
And your mind's in a fog,
If you're feeling depressed,
Grab a leash, walk the dog.

If your love life is crap 
And you need a good snog,
If your boyfriend's got clap,
Grab a leash, walk the dog.

If you can't find your prince,
And you're stuck with a frog,
If you've lost your blue rinse,
Grab a leash, walk the dog.

If you're fed up at home,
Sick of cleaning the bog,
You've no teeth in your comb,
Grab a leash, walk the dog.

If you want high heeled shoes,
And you've only one clog,
When you've got Monday blues,
Grab a leash, walk the dog.

You are driving the motor,
But you're just a small cog,
Then, stuff that new rota,
Grab a leash, walk the dog.

If you married a hunk,
And he turned out, a hog
There's no need to get drunk,
Grab a leash, walk the dog.

If your drink is cocktail,
And you're given egg nog,
Put some wind in your sail,
Grab a leash, walk the dog.

So, when nothing seems right
In your back catalogue,
Make the world look more bright,
Grab a leash, walk the dog.

Spring Lambs

Spring lambs are
Bouncy little things.
Jump up and down
As if on springs.

Would fall lambs then
In fields of clover
Not stand up,
Fall down, lean over?

Entre nous

I thought she was the one,
But now she's on the run.
I loved her from afar
Until she stole that car.
She's left me, entre nous,
Returned my billet-doux.

I felt love, at first sight
The night I saw her fight.
The six pack on her belly,
Reduced my legs to jelly.
She's left me, entre nous,
Returned my billet-doux.

She's got the kind of looks,
You find in horror books.
More scars than Al Capone,
She's what they call big-boned.
She's left me, entre nous,
Returned my billet-doux.

Her breath could floor a bear, 
You ought to hear her swear.
Van Damme thinks she is scary,
But only cos she's hairy.
She's left me, entre nous,
Returned my billet-doux.

I see the girl beneath,
Who cares if she's no teeth?
Our love was pure, symbolic
A shame she's alcoholic.
She's left me, entre nous,
Returned my billet-doux.

She's going to be a loss,
Though she gave, not a toss.
How will I replace this wino?
I'll have to buy a rhino.
She's left me entre nous,
Returned my billet-doux.

Entre nous:  Between us
Billet-doux:  Love letters

Springtime

Woody fingers silhouetted,
Spring sap rising warm, has wetted
Buds which break out in the sunlight,
Leaves unfurl before the bunfight.

Birds find voices, sing in choirs
Courting couple, stops, admires.
Cherry blossom, pink confetti,
Winter blues, forgotten, petty.

Springtime bloom, a time for giving,
Breathes fresh life in all things living.
A chance to start afresh, renew
So where'd I put that barbecue?

I wandered lonely

I wandered lonely as a tramp,
A president, or five times champ.
In splendid isolation, I
Could see with my objective eye,
How all life's problems spring from men
Who, power crave, like oxygen.
See in terms of nihilistic
No time for the altruistic.

Who think the world a giant gem,
To plunder, pillage, all for them.
What use they, the artist, poet
Sentiment, they durst not show it.
What excuse, tyrant, dictator
When you come to meet your maker?

Sowing bitter seeds of hatred
Were your passions ever sated?
Money is the root of evil,
Love will triumph, always, we will
Strive to help out one another,
Mother, father, sister, brother
So that in that final reckoning
We will find our loved ones beckoning.

The Abuser

The crocodile
Boasts a charming smile,
But beware those teeth
Because underneath
Lies a paedophile.

Polly

Polly put the kettle on,
What a clever bird.
Bought online from Amazon,
Obeys my every word.

The Racehorse

As favourite, he is classed
And needs to expidite,
But comes in next to last
Because his shoes are tight.

The Gigolo

The gigolo didn't have much
In his trousers, specifically crutch
When the ladies got rude
He said,"I'm no prude.
You can look, but you'd better not touch."

Toes

I'm lying on the sofa
Looking at my toes,
Marveling, how they've kept pace
With how my body grows.

My toes, if they'd been lazy
And taken life with ease,
Why, then the little fellers,
Would stick out of my knees.

The Red Planet

The very first
human being
to set foot
on Mars
has already
been born.
AND
may even
be at
school.
AMAZING!

Skin

I have just enough skin,
For the body I'm in.
How lucky is that?
Good job I'm not fat.
I would not have enough
To hide all my stuff,
You'd see my insides
And a lot more besides.

But if I'd just a touch,
Nay, a smidgen too much,
For the pounds that I weigh,
I'd look like a Shar Pei.
So here's to my skin
And the mish-mash within,
Epidermic, my treasure
Has been made to measure.

The surgeon's scalpel

Centipede traps foot
Is by a surgeon treated
Sustained a nasty cut
Finishes defeated.

The Owl and the Puddy Tat

The owl and the puddy tat went to sea
In Richard Branson's boat
Their tax return
Claims they both earn
Much less than a five pound note.

The Race

Hare and tortoise
Had a race
The tortoise came in
Second place.

And not because
His legs were teeny
Hare was in
A Lamborghini. 

In praise of smell

For an honest appraisal
Of everything nasal
No authority better
Than a bloodhound or setter.

To appreciate scent
In the way that it's meant
You need a canine
Who's prepared to opine.

Olefactory News
Despite the taboos
Unlike our eyes
Never, ever tells lies.

You need a good nose
To distinguish a rose
A type of dog breed
Or a human in need.

With a good sense of smell
You can easily tell
If a human is worth
Being best pal on earth.

A good night's sleep

You slept like a baby
So you said, last night
Does that mean maybe
You've pants, full of shite.

Dauphy's Scentmark Verse

You are my
eagle in a Beagle
the noir in Malinois
my pug on a rug
the wow in a Chihuahua
the asset in a Basset
the bits in a Spitz
the box in a Boxer
and the no in a Norwich.

You are my whip in a Whippet
the sky in Husky
the oodle in a poodle
the salut in Saluki
the span of a Spaniel
the malt in a Maltese
far greater
than a Dane.

You are 
the order in my Border
neater than an Akita
or the box in a Boxer
you are my Labrador
the one that I adore.

Tree Hugging

Not by accident
does the curve
of a tree
as she dives
into her roots,
imitate
the curve
of your
overworked spine.

Rest a while
in the forest of life,
inhale her dreams
and take
time out
to simply be.

Prime Mates

It's true, you see
The chimpanzee
Shares his genes
With you and me.

Ninety nine percent
The ratio
So, brighter than
Some folks I know.

Infinity

Sunshine
Starlight
Moonshine
Finite.

Mother Earth

Stripped, scorched, choked, abused
Peeled, poisoned, pillaged, plundered
Murdered by degrees.

Ten Green (Plastic) Bottles

Ten world leaders, declaring nothing's wrong.
Nine politicians, stringing us along.

Eight rare species, erased from planet blue.
Seven rain forests, flattened in a coup.

Six choking billions, breathing toxic waste.
Five is the virus, which can not be erased.

Four seas of plastic,poisoning our fish.
Three million skeptics, living on a wish.

Two sole survivors, clinging to a tree.
One final chance now, got no planet B.

Family Matters

My son Roy
Is two feet tall
This in a boy
Is rather small.

Daughter Pearl
Has great big ears
Which in a girl
Results in tears.

My dog Boo
Thinks he's a cat
He hides his poo
Well, fancy that.

The Greedy Sheep

Our sheep was a bit of a glutton
It feasted on Cadbury's buttons
Eats till it pops
Now sold in the shops
As sweeties called chocolate muttons.

And this time tomorrow?

We are the infantile guardians
of a four billion year old lady
and how do we respond
to that heavy burden?
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?

We wage war
over her body parts,
fighting for exclusive rights
to this limb, or that torso.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?

We steal
her most valuable possessions
with no thought
to replace them.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?

We exterminate
anything lower on the food chain
to the point of
extinction.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?

We pollute
her arteries and internal organs
with plastic
and industrial waste.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?

We suffocate her,
filling the air
that she breathes
with noxious gases.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?

We talk
whilst she weeps
at the abuse
she has suffered.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?

What will change tomorrow?
Tout ou rien?
Demain,
demain, à cette heure-ci?


Tout ou rien:  All or nothing
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?:  And this time tomorrow?

Springtime

Winter's hard shell
Cracks tentatively.
Tender green shoots
Emerge inquisitively.
Fragile
as china
but focused
as champions.

Embryonic warriors
Fighting
Against nature.
Battling
With nature.
Winning
For nature,
And the cycle continues.

A reason for everything

I shave my neck
Most every day.
But what the heck.
It's here to stay.

In height my spec
Is fairly tall.
Without a neck
I'd be quite small.

But goodness me,
If I'd no neck,
I guarantee
I'd be a wreck.

Fashionable fish

Winnie whale and Sid sprat
Had a nice little chat
He put her hair into plaits
Hairy fish, fancy that!

Dauphy's Valentine

I'm more than just a trophy dog
I'll always be your Dauphy dog
You take me out in every weather
We've even been on swims together
You pick my crap up when I poo
Not something all the others do
You treat me kind and feed me well
You bath me when I start to smell
We walk for hours through the wood
You let me roll about in mud
You give me scraps from off the roast
And let me pee on every post
You put my coat on when it's cold
We both walk slowly now we're old
We have long talks, I don't say much
I use my eyes to keep in touch
You love it when I greet you home
Reward me with a gravy bone
You are the biscuit of my eye
I'll love you till the day I die
One last thing, I wonder whether
We should sniff some butts together!

Dauphy's snail poem

The cute little snail
Leaves snot in his trail
Wherever he goes
So please wipe his nose.

Knowing me, knowing you

Where I see green
Do you see blue?
When I hear false
Do you hear true?

If I taste sweet
Do you taste sour?
Where I smell rat
Do you smell flower?

When I touch base
Are you in touch?
If I feel pain
Do you feel much?

I thought not, and
That's fine, just great
I'll get a dog
A true soul mate.

The ways of man

She was gorgeous, intelligent, kind
And he loved her with all of his heart
Likewise for her, though she soon changed her mind
The day when she first heard him fart.

A good night's sleep

Search my head
For inspiration
Go to bed
In sheer frustration.

Wake up yawning
Words in ear
Three in morning
Dauphy's idea.

Thanks a lot
Can't it keep
Idea's hot
Now back to sleep!

Walkies!

Doleful eyes, bursting with intelligence
pleading walkies time. Excitement mounts.
Grab that lead. Don't forget the
meaty treats and poo bags.
Tail wagging uncontrollably now.
Lead clipped on.
Off we go, hurry up.
Pee mail station, gotta stop.
Reach the park, given freedom
run round, chasing pals, chasing tails
sniffing butts.
Tired now, tongue hanging.
Sedate stroll home.
Towelled clean.
Noisy snooze time.
Well earned tea time.

Warning (contains strong language)!

Metal, diamond, stone
Sinew, muscle, flints
Iron,concrete, bone
Steel and Trebor mints.


Trebor mints' catchphrase is
'Trebor mints are a minty bit stronger'
to which a common retort is
'Stick 'em up your bum and they last a bit longer'.

Under the weather

Rain
In the main
Is a pain.

When it's done
Then the sun
Heralds fun.

The apple of his eye

Adam, says Eve
Do you fancy an apple
And then if you're lucky
Maybe a grapple.

An apple, says Adam
Scratching his chin
What will God say
Won't we commit sin?

Eve shows her wares
To the shy Romeo
Cortland, Pink Lady
Jazz, Cameo.

Gala and Braeburn
Fuji, Jonagold
Cosmic and Empire
Envy, Gingergold.

Golden Delicious
Granny Smith
Red Delicious
Honey Crisp.

Newton Pippin
McIntosh
Cox's Pippin
Ruby Frost.

Tempting lady
And a looker
Adam wisely
Chose a cooker.

Right Move

The tortoise and the snail swapped lids
Hardly so surprising
Snail needed more room for the kids
And tortoise was downsizing.

Adam and Eve

I
I am
I am a man
Amen!

I 
I am
I am a woman
Whoa man!

Another day

storm clouds gathering
nature's harbingers of doom
birds holding their breath.
sun, escapes it's horizon
we smile, live another day.

Dauphy: I’ve been thinking!

Hobbo: Hmm….

Dauphy: This philophosy malarkey, I could quite get into that!

Hobbo: Philosophy, I think you mean philosophy!

Dauphy: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I’ve been doing a bit of philophowhatever myself and

Hobbo: And you’ve thought up a poem?

Dauphy: How did you know that?

Hobbo: Dauphy, how long have we been pals? Give it here, and I’ll type it up…..

Dauphy's Philosophy
(part one, Hobbo suspects)

To train a dog to
sit, you need a dog to train.
To teach a man to 
fish, you need a man, a fish
and a flipping good chippy.

Cats

Meerkats, queer cats
Kit-Kats and kitty cats
Top Cats, tom cats
Caterpillar, Cheshire cats.

Cat's paw, cat's claw
Cat's cradle, caterwaul
Cat O'Nine- Tails
Cats with nine lives.

Fighting like a
Cat and dog
Who let that cat
out the bag?

Curiosity,
My dogs name
He'll kill those cats
And take the blame.

What's in a name?

Manta Ray
meets Bob the Cat.
Bob is jealous.
Ray, "Why's that?"

Bobcat says
"My name is fine
But no one says
I'm a Bob of sunshine."

A Canine Bargain

A bargain, for less than a dollar
On eBay she purchased a collar
With a homing device
Which her dog thought was nice
Wherever she went it would 'foller'.

Ants

A new insect is here
They're the hairy ants.
Trained to obliterate 
variants.

They pull on their boots
like ordinary ants
and Covid 19 gets
a kick up the pants.

Pick up a penguin

Penguins are not pets
she scolded
Take them
to the zoo!
Oh, that was yesterday
I said.
Today it's the pictures
Frozen Two.

Muet comme une carp

Me! muet comme une carp
Quipped Dauphy, quietish
Don't like fish, bones too sharp
But mice are quite a different dish.



Muet comme une carp: a French expression meaning as silent as a carp, or fish
In the UK we would say as quiet as a mouse.

Are you free?

Fly.
Fly free.
Free as a bird.
Free.
Following instinct.
Faithfully following forefathers.
Free
or frozen?
Migratory routes
chiselled in time.
Habit
or roots?
Choice
or chosen?
Freedom
or frozen?
Fly free.
Feel free.
Be free.
Don't be a bird.

Poetry Masterclass (by Dauphy)

I don't give a Nelly 
for a villanelle
or a bonnet
for a fourteen line sonnet.
I'd rather watch bonanza
than struggle with a stanza.
A soliloquy
seems silly to me.
My nemesis
could be mimesis.
If I have a cold
then I might say ode.
I'd never take a stance
on dissonance or assonance.
When I do meet up with Koo
I'll say howdy, not haiku.
I wouldn't give a meg
about a mixed up meter.
You can't lick a lyric
for good alliteration
and a well penned limerick
can bring joy to a nation.
So, epic or ballad
stick your syllabic rules.
Me and  my mate Hobbo
are merely comic fools.

My Bezzie (by Dauphy)

Bella,
beautiful girl.
My best pal.
We chased squirrels
We chased cats
We chased each other.
Why
did you have to
tear your pad?
Why
wouldn't it heal?
Why
did you leave me?
I miss you
so much!
Hobbo does too
but not
in the same fun loving
stick carrying
butt sniffing
unconditional way
that only a dog
will ever
truly
understand.
Goodbye Bella
save me a place 
in doggy heaven.

Awkward dog

A dog went for a walk on her lead
She detested being led
A characteristic of her breed
Or simply the way she'd been bred?

Naughty puppy

She called the dog explorer
Which, it took onboard with gratitude
But changed it to Fedora
Because of the attitude.

Funny old weather

The electric blanket
of snow
turned quickly to rain,
a shower full
of cats and dogs
shot down by
bolts of lightening
and 
if you find that frightening
listen to this
In France, il pleut
comme vache qui pisse.

Il pleut comme vache qui pisse
Pronounced: eel plur com vash key piss
French for, It's raining like a pissing cow.

The Mighty Oak

Abandoned
by the squirrel
the acorn
slowly awoke
pushing tentative roots
delicate as gossamer
into the soft brown earth.
Toes
feeling their way
inside a pair of fluffy slippers
simultaneously
sending one tender shoot
upwards
towards the warmth of the sun
instinctively, timidly
not yet knowing
her destiny.
She swayed slightly
in the early Spring breeze
looking up in astonishment
at the mighty oak
towering above her
like a proud parent
and then...
she twigged.

Bully for him!

The prize bull, who worshipped his missus
Guessed they were in for the chop
So at Christmas, instead of just kisses
He took her to China, to shop.

The learner

Penelope the porky pig
For tasty truffles learned to dig
The owner saw a little earner
Though Penny dear was but a learner.

Each one she found, she swiftly ate
She ate the lot, and put on weight
So, change of heart he sold her in yon
restaurant, as filet mignon.

Dauphy: I’ve written a poem.

Hobbo: That’s good Dauphy, can I have a look?

Dauphy: Sure. (Gives it to Hobbo, who reads it).

Hobbo: This is pretty good. Shall we put it on the blog?

Dauphy: Yes please, but you’ll have to type it.

Hobbo: Why?

Dauphy: Don’t be silly. Everyone knows that dogs can’t type…

Be more dog

I don't ever fret about you
And there's no way I'd pick up your poo
If I'm tired, then I drift off to sleep
I have no need to work for my keep.

You feed me my meals twice a day
When it's sunny, we go out to play
I know you think this part's a pain
But, I love our long walks in the rain.

I get muddy and dirty as hell
And I don't really care if I smell
I love you with all my dog heart
When you fuss other dogs, do I start?

I'm the spit of a dog who just chills
Bit like you, when you've taken your pills
So relax man, this world ain't so crappy
Be less man, be more dog, and be happy.

Hobbo: Thanks Dauphy!

Dauphy: You’re welcome. Will you teach me to type sometime?

Catching your haggis

A timorous beast is the haggis
Scottish and hairless and round
Living outside of our cities
Underneath rocks they are found.

To catch one, you lure them with toasties
I find cheese and pickle the best
Or a nice Sunday lunch, done with roasties
That smell will tempt most from their nest.

Alternatively, if you are able
Sneak up and catch one, while it sleeps
Once cooked, should be piped to the table
And served up with tatties and neeps.

Haggis: A Scottish dish, traditionally served with potatoes (tatties) and turnips (neeps). Ceremoniously carried to the table on Burn's Night accompanied by bagpipes.

The Spider

He clomped into the shop
Browsing for some shoes
He needed quite a crop
So there wasn't much to choose.

Salesgirl tried to rob him blind
For his four pairs of feet
Instead of being helpful kind
Spun web of pure deceit.

He didn't make a purchase though
And didn't care two hoots
Saying,"Though you judge me rather slow
You're too big for those boots."

Love is in the air

The author who wrote Peter Rabbit
Was upset by his blossoming habit
She knew of his needs
Because that's how he breeds
But he never stopped rutting* dangnabbit.

*rutting, or any suitable synonym!

The Donkey

Dauphy tried to sing a verse
About a little donkey
Each effort came out worse
It must have been the wrong key.

Birds

Dozens of them
balanced
atop the slimmest of branches
staring down
like silent sentinels.
A sharp noise
and they're gone
ephemeral as a thought
melting 
in the midday sun.

Natural Nonsense

A curtain of hail
Had awoken the snail
Who jumped out of his shell
To find all was not well
With his friend basking shark
Who'd been up with the lark
At the sound of the bark
Of the dog who can't sleep
Despite counting sheep
Jumping over a gate
Unaware that their fate
Is to end on a plate
Swimming in gravy
With a seal from the navy
Battling the tide
And nowhere to hide
From the wife and his bride
Both of them male
Who'd got out of jail
In a curtain of hail...

Bob

My name is Bob
I'm a ...
My name is Bob
I'm a...
My name is Bob
I'm a...

Poem written by Bob, the goldfish
Goldfish allegedly have an attention span 
of less than five seconds.

Safari

On safari, he takes careful aim
At the tiger, to kill, not to maim
The tiger's the winner
It eats him for dinner
Serves him right for claiming he's game.

Mary's Lamb
Mary had another lamb
The doctor got a shock
The lamb was born with pointy ears
It looked like Mister Spock

Fishy
Three fish found dead
Copper notes in his diary
Scratches his head
Orders full scale enquiry.

The Duck
A duck who forgot how to quack
Found his diary was suddenly slack
In search of a date
He stood on a crate
And with practice, he soon got the knack.

Cheeky
he stroked the smooth cheeks
biting gently on the flesh
of the nectarine.

Birds
Nijer for the goldfinch
Peanuts for the tits
Fat-balls for the starlings
I love 'em all to bits.

Coconuts are popular
They make an all round feed
Robins are the fussy ones
They prefer mixed seed.

I look out of my window
And watch them eat their food
The wild birds in the garden
Never fail to lift my mood.

Nijer, a seed food particularly popular with goldfinches

The Puppy
She took her puppy for a stroll
Among the sycamores
At every tree, at every hole
It stopped, she named it Paws.

Our Pet
wolf
lone, wild
hunting, preying, killing
woodsman, trapper,breeder, trainer
captures, selects, domesticates
faithful, loyal
companion.

Mum?
Of course you're a tiger my lad
Why on earth would you think you are not
The question you pose makes me sad
I think it's a lovely name, Spot.

Naughty
Mary had her little lamb
Carved up in tiny slices
Her vegan fad was just a sham
She had carnivorous vices.

Fruity
Bananas are beauty
Squishy-squashy, fruity
Though I would recommend
You get ones with a bend
If you find they're too straight
You've bought cucumbers mate.

Humbug
I'm not a thug
But when I saw a slug
Curled up on my rug
Chewing a bug
And looking real smug
Well, I am no mug
So, I gave it a drug
Picked it up with a tug
Dropped the thing from a jug
Down a hole I had dug
And said with a shrug
"You're not getting a hug"
So tough, bah humbug!

Tiny
Slim little body, slippery and shiny
Her face looking ever so cute
She plays in her tank, and I've named her Tiny
Because this critter you see is my newt.

Koala
For breakfast darling's we've
A pile of eucalyptus leaves
And luncheon too, I do believe
We're having eucalyptus leaves
i think we'll have the same for dinner
Eucalyptus, it's a winner.

Whilst koala bears have got to be some of the cutest animals on the planet, all they eat is eucalyptus. They do not even drink, getting their moisture from the leaves!

Mud
This smelly, dirty mud
In which I have been stood
I hate it, it's no good.

You really are a wuss
We don't expect such fuss
From hippopotamus.

Soup
The sparrow cooked her son
Tomato soup for dinner
Although a fussy eater
She knew this was a winner.

Robin though was messy
Although he did his best
he spilled most down his front
And stained his little chest.

The true story of the origin of the Robin Redbreast

Seasons
Golden browns
Subtle reds
Autumn winds
Nature sheds.

Piles of leaves
Lie in heaps
Naked trees
Squirrel sleeps.

Newborn buds
Peeping through
Promise Spring
Start anew.

Amazing Facts
It's true, if you tickle a rat
It laughs, well how about that?
And a butterfly tastes with it's feet
Come on, admit it, that's neat.

Another fact, prick up your ears
Snails sleep for up to three years
But this one is way off the charts
Octopuses, they have three hearts!

Mary
Mary had a little lamb
Whose father was a randy ram
It came about cos all the sheep
Pretended they were fast asleep.

Survival
bird
delicate, colourful
perching, singing, flying
beak, talons, killer, raptor
hunting, targeting, swooping
swift, merciless
lunch

Owl
The commonest bird in Great Britain
Not sea bird, not game bird, not fowl
This bird's to be found in your kitchen
It's every day name, the Teat Owl.

The Old Duke of York
The old Duke of York
Purchased a hawk
Although it could squawk
It just would not talk.

it was swapped for an auk
Born and raised in New York
But the bird was a mawk
And could not even walk.

With a sharp tomahawk
And a burned piece of cork
It had a mohawk
So the neighbours did gawk.

So, he then chose a stork
With a preference for pork
Which it ate with a fork
That old Duke of York.

What a dork!

Image
In the natural world, the male
Is often full of colour
Whilst the female can be dull
Her backside, a little fuller.

In the human world, a male
May sport a big fat belly
From drinking too much beer
And watching too much telly.

Bella
It was love at first sight
But not with a feller
She squealed with delight
When she caught sight of Bella.

Puppy dog eyes
And waggly tail
Appeal maximised
These things never fail.

Mary
Mary had a little lamb
She called it Wooly Willy
If she'd named it Aloysius
 That would have been plain silly.

Space
Imagine, if you can
Travelling at the speed of light
two hundred thousand mile per second
Per second, yes that's right.

Flying along at that speed
You could really superman it
In just one tiny second
You'd whizz eight times round our planet.

Planets in our solar system
Circle round our sun
Middle aged, our sun's a star
But a very average one.

Ten minutes it would take you
To reach the sun, our star
Zooming on at light speed
That's not so very far.

But then our nearest neighbour
Called Alpha Centauri
Would take another four years
Of whizzing through the sky.

The stars in our own galaxy
Lie in the milky way
Three hundred billion of them
(That's roughly, by the way.)

A hundred thousand light years
To cross the milky way
Then Andromeda, the next one
Two more billion years away.

There are a billion galaxies
Each with a billion stars
And we think we're great explorers
Because we've got to planet mars.

It makes me realise then
How small our humankind
The more I know about space
The more it blows my mind.

Leaves
If leaves fell up
Instead of down
When they turn yellow
Then go brown
The sky would soon
Be overcrowded
And leave our sun
Forever shrouded
Gravity though
Serves to attract
So things fall down
And that's a fact

Flowers
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why do geraniums
Smell like cat poo?

Barney
On a day that was sunny
Barney, the bunny
Spent all of his money
On a large jar of honey
Which sent him all funny
And made his nose runny
With an ache in his tummy
So much so, that his mummy
Said, "I'm so sorry, sonny.
...I think you've caught covid."

The worm
Sam ate a worm
Which made him squirm
But caught no germ
I can confirm
So, just short term.

...He won't do it again though.

The hedgehog
The slugs and the snails
On my cabbages munch
But my baby hedgehog
Will have them for lunch.

The rose
I stooped to smell
The pale pink rose
A big black fly
Flew up my nose|

Bees
What do bees eat for their tea?
Cheese on toast like you and me
And what's really rather funny
Is how they turn it into honey.

The fox
Stealthily creeping
Sleek and sly
Brush tail sweeping
The fox glides by.

The Zoo
"Zookeeper," he said
"I fear this won't do
"You've only one dog
And that's a shih tzu.

"That cannot be true
You're comments are crass
You see, we've got you
..A pain in the ass.

A sonnet to Dauphin
Dauphin, my black dog
An animal who's very wise
Twelve years old, the saddest eyes
Unspoken canine dialogue.
In puppy-hood, we'd often jog
With mate, long dead, 'neath sunny skies
Or river swim, three great allies
Then rest beside the old marsh bog.
They say that wisdom comes with age
We mellow as we yet grow old
And folly is a thing of youth.
What can he teach, this canine sage?
I dread the thought of him grown cold
Am I too late to learn his truth?

The Trip
"You've been a really good boy
So here is what we'll do
You can have a brand new toy
Or, I'll take you to the zoo.

Johnny paused his keypad
Used to being admonished
This offer from his dad
Had left him quite astonished.

To Chester Zoo they travelled
Dad talked of birds and bees
Which left young Johnny baffled
"Can you explain it daddy please?"

"Watch the animals son
And the little things they do
When they are having fun
We humans do that too."

The young boy watched with care
He was always wide awake
The monkeys and a bear
A crocodile, a snake.

Creatures that were hairy
Some which made him laugh
The tigers, they were scary
And he loved the tall giraffe.

When the day was almost finished
Johnny knew what grown ups do
"Don't look much fun to me dad
Do I have to eat my poo?"

Curry
"Chicken tikka sir?"
The waiter checked his jotter
"No, make mine a tarka.
I like a little 'otter."

Birds
I think it's a goose
But it could be a duck
I'll get out my bird book
And have a quick look.
...fuck!