Hobbo's Poems
A quirky look at life from a Yorkshire poet and his dog's perspective
Animals and Nature
Ten Green (Plastic) Bottles Ten world leaders, declaring nothing's wrong. Nine politicians, stringing us along. Eight rare species, erased from planet blue. Seven rain forests, flattened in a coup. Six choking billions, breathing toxic waste. Five is the virus, which can not be erased. Four seas of plastic,poisoning our fish. Three million skeptics, living on a wish. Two sole survivors, clinging to a tree. One final chance now, got no planet B.
Family Matters My son Roy Is two feet tall This in a boy Is rather small. Daughter Pearl Has great big ears Which in a girl Results in tears. My dog Boo Thinks he's a cat He hides his poo Well, fancy that.
The Greedy Sheep Our sheep was a bit of a glutton It feasted on Cadbury's buttons Eats till it pops Now sold in the shops As sweeties called chocolate muttons.
And this time tomorrow?
We are the infantile guardians
of a four billion year old lady
and how do we respond
to that heavy burden?
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?
We wage war
over her body parts,
fighting for exclusive rights
to this limb, or that torso.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?
We steal
her most valuable possessions
with no thought
to replace them.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?
We exterminate
anything lower on the food chain
to the point of
extinction.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?
We pollute
her arteries and internal organs
with plastic
and industrial waste.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?
We suffocate her,
filling the air
that she breathes
with noxious gases.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?
We talk
whilst she weeps
at the abuse
she has suffered.
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?
What will change tomorrow?
Tout ou rien?
Demain,
demain, à cette heure-ci?
Tout ou rien: All or nothing
Et demain, à cette heure-ci?: And this time tomorrow?
Springtime Winter's hard shell Cracks tentatively. Tender green shoots Emerge inquisitively. Fragile as china but focused as champions. Embryonic warriors Fighting Against nature. Battling With nature. Winning For nature, And the cycle continues.
A reason for everything I shave my neck Most every day. But what the heck. It's here to stay. In height my spec Is fairly tall. Without a neck I'd be quite small. But goodness me, If I'd no neck, I guarantee I'd be a wreck.
Fashionable fish Winnie whale and Sid sprat Had a nice little chat He put her hair into plaits Hairy fish, fancy that!
Dauphy's Valentine I'm more than just a trophy dog I'll always be your Dauphy dog You take me out in every weather We've even been on swims together You pick my crap up when I poo Not something all the others do You treat me kind and feed me well You bath me when I start to smell We walk for hours through the wood You let me roll about in mud You give me scraps from off the roast And let me pee on every post You put my coat on when it's cold We both walk slowly now we're old We have long talks, I don't say much I use my eyes to keep in touch You love it when I greet you home Reward me with a gravy bone You are the biscuit of my eye I'll love you till the day I die One last thing, I wonder whether We should sniff some butts together!
Dauphy's snail poem The cute little snail Leaves snot in his trail Wherever he goes So please wipe his nose.
Knowing me, knowing you Where I see green Do you see blue? When I hear false Do you hear true? If I taste sweet Do you taste sour? Where I smell rat Do you smell flower? When I touch base Are you in touch? If I feel pain Do you feel much? I thought not, and That's fine, just great I'll get a dog A true soul mate.
The ways of man She was gorgeous, intelligent, kind And he loved her with all of his heart Likewise for her, though she soon changed her mind The day when she first heard him fart.
A good night's sleep Search my head For inspiration Go to bed In sheer frustration. Wake up yawning Words in ear Three in morning Dauphy's idea. Thanks a lot Can't it keep Idea's hot Now back to sleep!
Walkies! Doleful eyes, bursting with intelligence pleading walkies time. Excitement mounts. Grab that lead. Don't forget the meaty treats and poo bags. Tail wagging uncontrollably now. Lead clipped on. Off we go, hurry up. Pee mail station, gotta stop. Reach the park, given freedom run round, chasing pals, chasing tails sniffing butts. Tired now, tongue hanging. Sedate stroll home. Towelled clean. Noisy snooze time. Well earned tea time.
Warning (contains strong language)! Metal, diamond, stone Sinew, muscle, flints Iron,concrete, bone Steel and Trebor mints. Trebor mints' catchphrase is 'Trebor mints are a minty bit stronger' to which a common retort is 'Stick 'em up your bum and they last a bit longer'.
Under the weather Rain In the main Is a pain. When it's done Then the sun Heralds fun.
The apple of his eye Adam, says Eve Do you fancy an apple And then if you're lucky Maybe a grapple. An apple, says Adam Scratching his chin What will God say Won't we commit sin? Eve shows her wares To the shy Romeo Cortland, Pink Lady Jazz, Cameo. Gala and Braeburn Fuji, Jonagold Cosmic and Empire Envy, Gingergold. Golden Delicious Granny Smith Red Delicious Honey Crisp. Newton Pippin McIntosh Cox's Pippin Ruby Frost. Tempting lady And a looker Adam wisely Chose a cooker.
Right Move The tortoise and the snail swapped lids Hardly so surprising Snail needed more room for the kids And tortoise was downsizing.
Adam and Eve I I am I am a man Amen! I I am I am a woman Whoa man!
Another day storm clouds gathering nature's harbingers of doom birds holding their breath. sun, escapes it's horizon we smile, live another day.
Dauphy: I’ve been thinking!
Hobbo: Hmm….
Dauphy: This philophosy malarkey, I could quite get into that!
Hobbo: Philosophy, I think you mean philosophy!
Dauphy: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I’ve been doing a bit of philophowhatever myself and
Hobbo: And you’ve thought up a poem?
Dauphy: How did you know that?
Hobbo: Dauphy, how long have we been pals? Give it here, and I’ll type it up…..
Dauphy's Philosophy (part one, Hobbo suspects) To train a dog to sit, you need a dog to train. To teach a man to fish, you need a man, a fish and a flipping good chippy.
Cats Meerkats, queer cats Kit-Kats and kitty cats Top Cats, tom cats Caterpillar, Cheshire cats. Cat's paw, cat's claw Cat's cradle, caterwaul Cat O'Nine- Tails Cats with nine lives. Fighting like a Cat and dog Who let that cat out the bag? Curiosity, My dogs name He'll kill those cats And take the blame.
What's in a name? Manta Ray meets Bob the Cat. Bob is jealous. Ray, "Why's that?" Bobcat says "My name is fine But no one says I'm a Bob of sunshine."
A Canine Bargain A bargain, for less than a dollar On eBay she purchased a collar With a homing device Which her dog thought was nice Wherever she went it would 'foller'.
Ants A new insect is here They're the hairy ants. Trained to obliterate variants. They pull on their boots like ordinary ants and Covid 19 gets a kick up the pants.
Pick up a penguin Penguins are not pets she scolded Take them to the zoo! Oh, that was yesterday I said. Today it's the pictures Frozen Two.
Muet comme une carp Me! muet comme une carp Quipped Dauphy, quietish Don't like fish, bones too sharp But mice are quite a different dish. Muet comme une carp: a French expression meaning as silent as a carp, or fish In the UK we would say as quiet as a mouse.
Are you free? Fly. Fly free. Free as a bird. Free. Following instinct. Faithfully following forefathers. Free or frozen? Migratory routes chiselled in time. Habit or roots? Choice or chosen? Freedom or frozen? Fly free. Feel free. Be free. Don't be a bird.
Poetry Masterclass (by Dauphy) I don't give a Nelly for a villanelle or a bonnet for a fourteen line sonnet. I'd rather watch bonanza than struggle with a stanza. A soliloquy seems silly to me. My nemesis could be mimesis. If I have a cold then I might say ode. I'd never take a stance on dissonance or assonance. When I do meet up with Koo I'll say howdy, not haiku. I wouldn't give a meg about a mixed up meter. You can't lick a lyric for good alliteration and a well penned limerick can bring joy to a nation. So, epic or ballad stick your syllabic rules. Me and my mate Hobbo are merely comic fools.
My Bezzie (by Dauphy) Bella, beautiful girl. My best pal. We chased squirrels We chased cats We chased each other. Why did you have to tear your pad? Why wouldn't it heal? Why did you leave me? I miss you so much! Hobbo does too but not in the same fun loving stick carrying butt sniffing unconditional way that only a dog will ever truly understand. Goodbye Bella save me a place in doggy heaven.
Awkward dog A dog went for a walk on her lead She detested being led A characteristic of her breed Or simply the way she'd been bred?
Naughty puppy She called the dog explorer Which, it took onboard with gratitude But changed it to Fedora Because of the attitude.
Funny old weather The electric blanket of snow turned quickly to rain, a shower full of cats and dogs shot down by bolts of lightening and if you find that frightening listen to this In France, il pleut comme vache qui pisse. Il pleut comme vache qui pisse Pronounced: eel plur com vash key piss French for, It's raining like a pissing cow.
The Mighty Oak Abandoned by the squirrel the acorn slowly awoke pushing tentative roots delicate as gossamer into the soft brown earth. Toes feeling their way inside a pair of fluffy slippers simultaneously sending one tender shoot upwards towards the warmth of the sun instinctively, timidly not yet knowing her destiny. She swayed slightly in the early Spring breeze looking up in astonishment at the mighty oak towering above her like a proud parent and then... she twigged.
Bully for him! The prize bull, who worshipped his missus Guessed they were in for the chop So at Christmas, instead of just kisses He took her to China, to shop.
The learner Penelope the porky pig For tasty truffles learned to dig The owner saw a little earner Though Penny dear was but a learner. Each one she found, she swiftly ate She ate the lot, and put on weight So, change of heart he sold her in yon restaurant, as filet mignon.
Dauphy: I’ve written a poem.
Hobbo: That’s good Dauphy, can I have a look?
Dauphy: Sure. (Gives it to Hobbo, who reads it).
Hobbo: This is pretty good. Shall we put it on the blog?
Dauphy: Yes please, but you’ll have to type it.
Hobbo: Why?
Dauphy: Don’t be silly. Everyone knows that dogs can’t type…
Be more dog I don't ever fret about you And there's no way I'd pick up your poo If I'm tired, then I drift off to sleep I have no need to work for my keep. You feed me my meals twice a day When it's sunny, we go out to play I know you think this part's a pain But, I love our long walks in the rain. I get muddy and dirty as hell And I don't really care if I smell I love you with all my dog heart When you fuss other dogs, do I start? I'm the spit of a dog who just chills Bit like you, when you've taken your pills So relax man, this world ain't so crappy Be less man, be more dog, and be happy.
Hobbo: Thanks Dauphy!
Dauphy: You’re welcome. Will you teach me to type sometime?
Catching your haggis A timorous beast is the haggis Scottish and hairless and round Living outside of our cities Underneath rocks they are found. To catch one, you lure them with toasties I find cheese and pickle the best Or a nice Sunday lunch, done with roasties That smell will tempt most from their nest. Alternatively, if you are able Sneak up and catch one, while it sleeps Once cooked, should be piped to the table And served up with tatties and neeps. Haggis: A Scottish dish, traditionally served with potatoes (tatties) and turnips (neeps). Ceremoniously carried to the table on Burn's Night accompanied by bagpipes.
The Spider He clomped into the shop Browsing for some shoes He needed quite a crop So there wasn't much to choose. Salesgirl tried to rob him blind For his four pairs of feet Instead of being helpful kind Spun web of pure deceit. He didn't make a purchase though And didn't care two hoots Saying,"Though you judge me rather slow You're too big for those boots."
Love is in the air The author who wrote Peter Rabbit Was upset by his blossoming habit She knew of his needs Because that's how he breeds But he never stopped rutting* dangnabbit. *rutting, or any suitable synonym!
The Donkey Dauphy tried to sing a verse About a little donkey Each effort came out worse It must have been the wrong key.
Birds Dozens of them balanced atop the slimmest of branches staring down like silent sentinels. A sharp noise and they're gone ephemeral as a thought melting in the midday sun.
Natural Nonsense A curtain of hail Had awoken the snail Who jumped out of his shell To find all was not well With his friend basking shark Who'd been up with the lark At the sound of the bark Of the dog who can't sleep Despite counting sheep Jumping over a gate Unaware that their fate Is to end on a plate Swimming in gravy With a seal from the navy Battling the tide And nowhere to hide From the wife and his bride Both of them male Who'd got out of jail In a curtain of hail...
Bob My name is Bob I'm a ... My name is Bob I'm a... My name is Bob I'm a... Poem written by Bob, the goldfish Goldfish allegedly have an attention span of less than five seconds.
Safari On safari, he takes careful aim At the tiger, to kill, not to maim The tiger's the winner It eats him for dinner Serves him right for claiming he's game.
Mary's Lamb Mary had another lamb The doctor got a shock The lamb was born with pointy ears It looked like Mister Spock
Fishy Three fish found dead Copper notes in his diary Scratches his head Orders full scale enquiry.
The Duck A duck who forgot how to quack Found his diary was suddenly slack In search of a date He stood on a crate And with practice, he soon got the knack.
Cheeky he stroked the smooth cheeks biting gently on the flesh of the nectarine.
Birds Nijer for the goldfinch Peanuts for the tits Fat-balls for the starlings I love 'em all to bits. Coconuts are popular They make an all round feed Robins are the fussy ones They prefer mixed seed. I look out of my window And watch them eat their food The wild birds in the garden Never fail to lift my mood. Nijer, a seed food particularly popular with goldfinches
The Puppy She took her puppy for a stroll Among the sycamores At every tree, at every hole It stopped, she named it Paws.
Our Pet wolf lone, wild hunting, preying, killing woodsman, trapper,breeder, trainer captures, selects, domesticates faithful, loyal companion.
Mum? Of course you're a tiger my lad Why on earth would you think you are not The question you pose makes me sad I think it's a lovely name, Spot.
Naughty Mary had her little lamb Carved up in tiny slices Her vegan fad was just a sham She had carnivorous vices.
Fruity Bananas are beauty Squishy-squashy, fruity Though I would recommend You get ones with a bend If you find they're too straight You've bought cucumbers mate.
Humbug I'm not a thug But when I saw a slug Curled up on my rug Chewing a bug And looking real smug Well, I am no mug So, I gave it a drug Picked it up with a tug Dropped the thing from a jug Down a hole I had dug And said with a shrug "You're not getting a hug" So tough, bah humbug!
Tiny Slim little body, slippery and shiny Her face looking ever so cute She plays in her tank, and I've named her Tiny Because this critter you see is my newt.
Koala For breakfast darling's we've A pile of eucalyptus leaves And luncheon too, I do believe We're having eucalyptus leaves i think we'll have the same for dinner Eucalyptus, it's a winner. Whilst koala bears have got to be some of the cutest animals on the planet, all they eat is eucalyptus. They do not even drink, getting their moisture from the leaves!
Mud This smelly, dirty mud In which I have been stood I hate it, it's no good. You really are a wuss We don't expect such fuss From hippopotamus.
Soup The sparrow cooked her son Tomato soup for dinner Although a fussy eater She knew this was a winner. Robin though was messy Although he did his best he spilled most down his front And stained his little chest. The true story of the origin of the Robin Redbreast
Seasons Golden browns Subtle reds Autumn winds Nature sheds. Piles of leaves Lie in heaps Naked trees Squirrel sleeps. Newborn buds Peeping through Promise Spring Start anew.
Amazing Facts It's true, if you tickle a rat It laughs, well how about that? And a butterfly tastes with it's feet Come on, admit it, that's neat. Another fact, prick up your ears Snails sleep for up to three years But this one is way off the charts Octopuses, they have three hearts!
Mary Mary had a little lamb Whose father was a randy ram It came about cos all the sheep Pretended they were fast asleep.
Survival bird delicate, colourful perching, singing, flying beak, talons, killer, raptor hunting, targeting, swooping swift, merciless lunch
Owl The commonest bird in Great Britain Not sea bird, not game bird, not fowl This bird's to be found in your kitchen It's every day name, the Teat Owl.
The Old Duke of York The old Duke of York Purchased a hawk Although it could squawk It just would not talk. it was swapped for an auk Born and raised in New York But the bird was a mawk And could not even walk. With a sharp tomahawk And a burned piece of cork It had a mohawk So the neighbours did gawk. So, he then chose a stork With a preference for pork Which it ate with a fork That old Duke of York. What a dork!
Image In the natural world, the male Is often full of colour Whilst the female can be dull Her backside, a little fuller. In the human world, a male May sport a big fat belly From drinking too much beer And watching too much telly.
Bella It was love at first sight But not with a feller She squealed with delight When she caught sight of Bella. Puppy dog eyes And waggly tail Appeal maximised These things never fail.
Mary Mary had a little lamb She called it Wooly Willy If she'd named it Aloysius That would have been plain silly.
Space Imagine, if you can Travelling at the speed of light two hundred thousand mile per second Per second, yes that's right. Flying along at that speed You could really superman it In just one tiny second You'd whizz eight times round our planet. Planets in our solar system Circle round our sun Middle aged, our sun's a star But a very average one. Ten minutes it would take you To reach the sun, our star Zooming on at light speed That's not so very far. But then our nearest neighbour Called Alpha Centauri Would take another four years Of whizzing through the sky. The stars in our own galaxy Lie in the milky way Three hundred billion of them (That's roughly, by the way.) A hundred thousand light years To cross the milky way Then Andromeda, the next one Two more billion years away. There are a billion galaxies Each with a billion stars And we think we're great explorers Because we've got to planet mars. It makes me realise then How small our humankind The more I know about space The more it blows my mind.
Leaves If leaves fell up Instead of down When they turn yellow Then go brown The sky would soon Be overcrowded And leave our sun Forever shrouded Gravity though Serves to attract So things fall down And that's a fact
Flowers Roses are red Violets are blue Why do geraniums Smell like cat poo?
Barney On a day that was sunny Barney, the bunny Spent all of his money On a large jar of honey Which sent him all funny And made his nose runny With an ache in his tummy So much so, that his mummy Said, "I'm so sorry, sonny. ...I think you've caught covid."
The worm Sam ate a worm Which made him squirm But caught no germ I can confirm So, just short term. ...He won't do it again though.
The hedgehog The slugs and the snails On my cabbages munch But my baby hedgehog Will have them for lunch.
The rose I stooped to smell The pale pink rose A big black fly Flew up my nose|
Bees What do bees eat for their tea? Cheese on toast like you and me And what's really rather funny Is how they turn it into honey.
The fox Stealthily creeping Sleek and sly Brush tail sweeping The fox glides by.
The Zoo "Zookeeper," he said "I fear this won't do "You've only one dog And that's a shih tzu. "That cannot be true You're comments are crass You see, we've got you ..A pain in the ass.
A sonnet to Dauphin Dauphin, my black dog An animal who's very wise Twelve years old, the saddest eyes Unspoken canine dialogue. In puppy-hood, we'd often jog With mate, long dead, 'neath sunny skies Or river swim, three great allies Then rest beside the old marsh bog. They say that wisdom comes with age We mellow as we yet grow old And folly is a thing of youth. What can he teach, this canine sage? I dread the thought of him grown cold Am I too late to learn his truth?
The Trip "You've been a really good boy So here is what we'll do You can have a brand new toy Or, I'll take you to the zoo. Johnny paused his keypad Used to being admonished This offer from his dad Had left him quite astonished. To Chester Zoo they travelled Dad talked of birds and bees Which left young Johnny baffled "Can you explain it daddy please?" "Watch the animals son And the little things they do When they are having fun We humans do that too." The young boy watched with care He was always wide awake The monkeys and a bear A crocodile, a snake. Creatures that were hairy Some which made him laugh The tigers, they were scary And he loved the tall giraffe. When the day was almost finished Johnny knew what grown ups do "Don't look much fun to me dad Do I have to eat my poo?"
Curry "Chicken tikka sir?" The waiter checked his jotter "No, make mine a tarka. I like a little 'otter."
Birds I think it's a goose But it could be a duck I'll get out my bird book And have a quick look. ...fuck!
