Animals and Nature

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Natural Nonsense

A curtain of hail
Had awoken the snail
Who jumped out of his shell
To find all was not well
With his friend basking shark
Who'd been up with the lark
At the sound of the bark
Of the dog who can't sleep
Despite counting sheep
Jumping over a gate
Unaware that their fate
Is to end on a plate
Swimming in gravy
With a seal from the navy
Battling the tide
And nowhere to hide
From the wife and his bride
Both of them male
Who'd got out of jail
In a curtain of hail...
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Bob

My name is Bob
I'm a ...
My name is Bob
I'm a...
My name is Bob
I'm a...

Poem written by Bob, the goldfish
Goldfish allegedly have an attention span 
of less than five seconds.
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Safari

On safari, he takes careful aim
At the tiger, to kill, not to maim
The tiger's the winner
It eats him for dinner
Serves him right for claiming he's game.
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Mary's Lamb
Mary had another lamb
The doctor got a shock
The lamb was born with pointy ears
It looked like Mister Spock
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Fishy
Three fish found dead
Copper notes in his diary
Scratches his head
Orders full scale enquiry.
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The Duck
A duck who forgot how to quack
Found his diary was suddenly slack
In search of a date
He stood on a crate
And with practice, he soon got the knack.
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Cheeky
he stroked the smooth cheeks
biting gently on the flesh
of the nectarine.
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Birds
Nijer for the goldfinch
Peanuts for the tits
Fat-balls for the starlings
I love 'em all to bits.

Coconuts are popular
They make an all round feed
Robins are the fussy ones
They prefer mixed seed.

I look out of my window
And watch them eat their food
The wild birds in the garden
Never fail to lift my mood.

Nijer, a seed food particularly popular with goldfinches


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The Puppy
She took her puppy for a stroll
Among the sycamores
At every tree, at every hole
It stopped, she named it Paws.
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Our Pet
wolf
lone, wild
hunting, preying, killing
woodsman, trapper,breeder, trainer
captures, selects, domesticates
faithful, loyal
companion.
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Mum?
Of course you're a tiger my lad
Why on earth would you think you are not
The question you pose makes me sad
I think it's a lovely name, Spot.
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Naughty
Mary had her little lamb
Carved up in tiny slices
Her vegan fad was just a sham
She had carnivorous vices.
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Fruity
Bananas are beauty
Squishy-squashy, fruity
Though I would recommend
You get ones with a bend
If you find they're too straight
You've bought cucumbers mate.
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Humbug
I'm not a thug
But when I saw a slug
Curled up on my rug
Chewing a bug
And looking real smug
Well, I am no mug
So, I gave it a drug
Picked it up with a tug
Dropped the thing from a jug
Down a hole I had dug
And said with a shrug
"You're not getting a hug"
So tough, bah humbug!
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Tiny
Slim little body, slippery and shiny
Her face looking ever so cute
She plays in her tank, and I've named her Tiny
Because this critter you see is my newt.
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Koala
For breakfast darling's we've
A pile of eucalyptus leaves
And luncheon too, I do believe
We're having eucalyptus leaves
i think we'll have the same for dinner
Eucalyptus, it's a winner.

Whilst koala bears have got to be some of the cutest animals on the planet, all they eat is eucalyptus. They do not even drink, getting their moisture from the leaves!
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Mud
This smelly, dirty mud
In which I have been stood
I hate it, it's no good.

You really are a wuss
We don't expect such fuss
From hippopotamus.

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Soup
The sparrow cooked her son
Tomato soup for dinner
Although a fussy eater
She knew this was a winner.

Robin though was messy
Although he did his best
he spilled most down his front
And stained his little chest.

The true story of the origin of the Robin Redbreast
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Seasons
Golden browns
Subtle reds
Autumn winds
Nature sheds.

Piles of leaves
Lie in heaps
Naked trees
Squirrel sleeps.

Newborn buds
Peeping through
Promise Spring
Start anew.
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Amazing Facts
It's true, if you tickle a rat
It laughs, well how about that?
And a butterfly tastes with it's feet
Come on, admit it, that's neat.

Another fact, prick up your ears
Snails sleep for up to three years
But this one is way off the charts
Octopuses, they have three hearts!
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Mary
Mary had a little lamb
Whose father was a randy ram
It came about cos all the sheep
Pretended they were fast asleep.
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Survival
bird
delicate, colourful
perching, singing, flying
beak, talons, killer, raptor
hunting, targeting, swooping
swift, merciless
lunch
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Owl
The commonest bird in Great Britain
Not sea bird, not game bird, not fowl
This bird's to be found in your kitchen
It's every day name, the Teat Owl.
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The Old Duke of York
The old Duke of York
Purchased a hawk
Although it could squawk
It just would not talk.

it was swapped for an auk
Born and raised in New York
But the bird was a mawk
And could not even walk.

With a sharp tomahawk
And a burned piece of cork
It had a mohawk
So the neighbours did gawk.

So, he then chose a stork
With a preference for pork
Which it ate with a fork
That old Duke of York.

What a dork!
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Image
In the natural world, the male
Is often full of colour
Whilst the female can be dull
Her backside, a little fuller.

In the human world, a male
May sport a big fat belly
From drinking too much beer
And watching too much telly.
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Bella
It was love at first sight
But not with a feller
She squealed with delight
When she caught sight of Bella.

Puppy dog eyes
And waggly tail
Appeal maximised
These things never fail.
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Mary
Mary had a little lamb
She called it Wooly Willy
If she'd named it Aloysius
 That would have been plain silly.
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Space
Imagine, if you can
Travelling at the speed of light
two hundred thousand mile per second
Per second, yes that's right.

Flying along at that speed
You could really superman it
In just one tiny second
You'd whizz eight times round our planet.

Planets in our solar system
Circle round our sun
Middle aged, our sun's a star
But a very average one.

Ten minutes it would take you
To reach the sun, our star
Zooming on at light speed
That's not so very far.

But then our nearest neighbour
Called Alpha Centauri
Would take another four years
Of whizzing through the sky.

The stars in our own galaxy
Lie in the milky way
Three hundred billion of them
(That's roughly, by the way.)

A hundred thousand light years
To cross the milky way
Then Andromeda, the next one
Two more billion years away.

There are a billion galaxies
Each with a billion stars
And we think we're great explorers
Because we've got to planet mars.

It makes me realise then
How small our humankind
The more I know about space
The more it blows my mind.

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Leaves
If leaves fell up
Instead of down
When they turn yellow
Then go brown
The sky would soon
Be overcrowded
And leave our sun
Forever shrouded
Gravity though
Serves to attract
So things fall down
And that's a fact
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Flowers
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why do geraniums
Smell like cat poo?
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Barney
On a day that was sunny
Barney, the bunny
Spent all of his money
On a large jar of honey
Which sent him all funny
And made his nose runny
With an ache in his tummy
So much so, that his mummy
Said, "I'm so sorry, sonny.
...I think you've caught covid."
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The worm
Sam ate a worm
Which made him squirm
But caught no germ
I can confirm
So, just short term.

...He won't do it again though.
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The hedgehog
The slugs and the snails
On my cabbages munch
But my baby hedgehog
Will have them for lunch.
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The rose
I stooped to smell
The pale pink rose
A big black fly
Flew up my nose|
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Bees
What do bees eat for their tea?
Cheese on toast like you and me
And what's really rather funny
Is how they turn it into honey.
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The fox
Stealthily creeping
Sleek and sly
Brush tail sweeping
The fox glides by.
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The Zoo
"Zookeeper," he said
"I fear this won't do
"You've only one dog
And that's a shih tzu.

"That cannot be true
You're comments are crass
You see, we've got you
..A pain in the ass.

A sonnet to Dauphin
Dauphin, my black dog
An animal who's very wise
Twelve years old, the saddest eyes
Unspoken canine dialogue.
In puppy-hood, we'd often jog
With mate, long dead, 'neath sunny skies
Or river swim, three great allies
Then rest beside the old marsh bog.
They say that wisdom comes with age
We mellow as we yet grow old
And folly is a thing of youth.
What can he teach, this canine sage?
I dread the thought of him grown cold
Am I too late to learn his truth?
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The Trip
"You've been a really good boy
So here is what we'll do
You can have a brand new toy
Or, I'll take you to the zoo.

Johnny paused his keypad
Used to being admonished
This offer from his dad
Had left him quite astonished.

To Chester Zoo they travelled
Dad talked of birds and bees
Which left young Johnny baffled
"Can you explain it daddy please?"

"Watch the animals son
And the little things they do
When they are having fun
We humans do that too."

The young boy watched with care
He was always wide awake
The monkeys and a bear
A crocodile, a snake.

Creatures that were hairy
Some which made him laugh
The tigers, they were scary
And he loved the tall giraffe.

When the day was almost finished
Johnny knew what grown ups do
"Don't look much fun to me dad
Do I have to eat my poo?"
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Curry
"Chicken tikka sir?"
The waiter checked his jotter
"No, make mine a tarka.
I like a little 'otter."
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Birds
I think it's a goose
But it could be a duck
I'll get out my bird book
And have a quick look.
...fuck!