Lonely hearts ad

Lonely hearts ad Old man – slightly obsessive Seeks other half – spotlessly clean Age or good looks not a factor But ideally responds to ‘Hi, Jean.’

A quiet meal

A quiet meal It began when my starter, the fish left a bone in my throat but no wish and as we moved on to the main I was in some considerable pain. Having trouble with something called breathing which set my poor girlfriend to screaming, ‘Please, is there a doc in the place he’s turning quite blue in the face.’ Then a lavatory…

Hunger Pangs

Hunger Pangs Lizzie Dripping, skinny-dipping In the great north sea, Met a shark, who spied a snack Of ten-fish-fingered tea.

Frog in the throat

Frog in the throat When the frog lost his ribbit It was quick to inhibit His world-renowned talent for courting. A medicinal soak Soon sorted his croak And now all his tadpoles are snorting.

The stud

The Stud When he met his creator, Thinking ‘reincarnator’ Pete asked to come back as a stud. He felt somewhat let down Strolling back into town As a football boot covered in mud.

Older

Older A little bit wiser a little bit bolder a little bit greyer a little bit older. Slightly less hair slightly less huff slightly more patience slightly more puff. A touch less panic a touch less worry a touch more thoughtful a touch less hurry. Another pill a bit more weight a bit more skill a lot less hate.

The fussy seagull

The fussy seagull Mrs Gull’s daughter Refused to drink water Complaining the ocean was salty. So, selling her jewellery They moved to a brewery For drinks that were varied, but malty.

The honeymoon

The honeymoon With her ankles peripheral in vision, The young man was set on his mission To have and to hold As in stories of old, Cementing their love with a frisson.

Charlie Spooner’s Whores

Charlie Spooner’s Whores Harley, flopping the moors Whilst chewing his doors Heard his wife, with arms bossing her crust, Serrating him bay, “That is not the white ray, You’re just making dashings of lust.”

Mrs Caesar

Mrs Caesar Emperor Julius Caesar Did a lot for his missus to please her, When she said, could they go To somewhere that had snow He bought her a giant chest freezer.