Lice Lice eat rice and mice are nice but cats are bats and rats are twats.

The Speaker

The Speaker When the speaker, a racialist moron Was heckled by shouts: oxymoron, Not knowing this phrase And thinking it praise He continued to rattle and bore on.

The Rugby Player

The rugby player A bleeding nose, a broken foot, a dislocated thumb, nothing really serious, so point me at that scrum. v the Footballer He pulled my hair and tugged my shirt, then broke a fingernail, get a grip ref, send him off, I’m feeling rather pale.

Party people

Party people Funerals in masks, people dying alone, yet the party’s parties they’re prepared to condone.

Great white hunters

Great white hunters Mr and Mrs Hobbo are actively house-hunting at the moment. This seems to be a stressful hobby which takes up a lot of their time. Luckily, they love me enough not to neglect my daily needs, simple though they be; my needs I mean, not Mr and Mrs H. It does mean though that he is spending less time with his…

Political Life

Political Life You don’t need tuition To turn politician, Simply waffle and wear a big grin. But to be a female In this kingdom of males You’re sure to need much thicker skin.

Body Parts

Body Parts With a foot in my mouth and a heart on my sleeve, I’m a mixed-up old man like you would not believe. I have brains in my pants and a chip on my shoulder, life gets much harder as teeth get much older. And they’re in a jar behind the settee, why can’t body parts remain where they should be?

Cold Turkey

Cold Turkey When her favourite niece Got hooked on Pastis, The cure was cold turkey, she read. Now she’s weaned off the drink, In fact, in the pink And thriving on turkey and bread.

Canine Cuddles

Canine Cuddles Dogged by grey-sky thinking, Her mood was slowly sinking, But bought a dog Which cleared the fog And now she gets the drinks in.

Breast Screening

Breast Screening Squashed, squeezed, mauled, Never been a chancer, Far better overhauled Than run the risk of cancer.