Sisters
One girl's hair is wavy
Which fashion don't permit
Hair straighteners, the answer
They cost her quite a bit.
The sister's though is ramrod straight
But she wants wavy hair
So she wraps it all in rollers
tell me, where's the logic there?
The Church
First appearance,
One November
Cried a bit
But don't remember.
Second time
A lovely sight
Never seen her
Dressed in white.
Last time there
The incense curled
Couldn't smell it
Dead to the world.
Please
You say
That you love me
But you won't
Do that
It's not a lot to ask
Not all the time
Just now and then
Would be nice
To show that
You really do
Love me
And it's not
Just words
A little sign of respect
That would not
Go amiss
I'm not asking a lot
Am I
So please try it for once
It won't hurt you
The next time
Perhaps
I'd really appreciate it
If
You could
See your way to
Putting the seat down.
Curry's
Strolling round the aisles at Curry's
Partner says, "Well flower
I always knew, that me and you
Would tread the corridors of power."
Curry's A UK electrical store
Granny
My gran
Was so funny
Always made me laugh
She would say
"Watch her
She's a flibbertigibbet.
Great word gran!
Flibbertigibbet, a frivolous, flighty or excessively talkative person.
Infedelity
She dissatisfies
He diversifies
She tries
He falsifies
She identifies
He denies
She spies
He solidifies
She pries
He lies
She clarifies
He justifies
She decries
He mortifies
She vilifies
He pacifies
She amplifies
He sighs
She goodbyes
He cries
Love dies.
Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty
Sat on the fence
He had no opinions
And no common sense.
All of the papers
And all of the news
Couldn't get Humpty
To tell us his views.
Power
Top men thirst for power
Politicians watch their back
And women even claim
It's an aphrodisiac.
Yes, I admit I crave it
Probably more than most
If my leccy's cut again
I'll have no beans on toast.
Leccy, electricity, electricity bill.
Hey Diddle Diddle
Hey diddle diddle
My dad's on the fiddle
And mum's run away with a neighbour
I'm in the pink
But I'm heading for clink
Where my girlfriend, sixteen, is in labour.
Boy
The chuckle muscle deep in his belly
Is in for a whole load of welly
He gives mum a squeeze and a cuddle
Wriggles free and jumps straight in a puddle.
The Story
Sally's story had won the first prize
Though she wasn't particularly clever
Mum swelled with some pride and surprise
When she heard teacher say, "Best end ever."
Babies
When I questioned my mummy
How I got in her tummy
She said daddy had planted a seed
Well that was a hard 'un
Cos we have no garden
And daddy does nothing but read.
A Four Letter Word
This isn't a word
I use much in life
If I do, I'm in trouble
Most of all with my wife.
According to her
It's belittling and cheap
I admit, among men
We use it a heap.
It's a four letter word
That starts with a 'C'
Women don't like it
Demeans them you see.
The debate rages on
It is used all the time
But if I dare to say it
My life's not worth a dime.
So, you know how it starts
But those other three
I won't spell it out
But it ends with a 'T.'
And women don't like it
But men clearly do
For this four letter word
I have one final clue.
It is spoken the most
When out for a shop
Husbands open their mouths
And partners shout,"Stop."
Have you worked it out now
I know you're not lost
This troublesome word
Well, it's quite simply...cost.
The Unknown Warrior
A million fell
You were chosen
A shortlist of four
From the Aisne, the Somme, Arras, Ypres
Draped in the flag
Of the country you died for
You were chosen
One cold November morning
In a small chapel in St.Pol
Brigadier General Wyatt
Chose you
A kings sword
A coffin of solid oak
Were chosen
Buried at the heart
Of an English abbey
In French soil
Amongst poets and kings
You are
And will be
honoured
for centuries to come
We salute the sacrifice
of you
and all the comrades
you represent
Thank you
For your choice
For your sacrifice.
Lunch
The flames were prolific
The heat was terrific
The words from the kitchen profane
My nice chicken roast
Is burned black as toast
Sunday lunch has been ruined again.
Sober
A teacher, not known for sobriety
Gave her students a taste of variety
Her swearing backfired
When, improperly attired
She was sacked for a lack of propriety.
Kippers
What makes kippers giddy
Why are hot dogs hot
And why do fish have fingers
I've wondered that a lot.
Poached eggs, are they stolen
Flapjack, does it panic
And is this tripe made up of trash
Or something more organic?
Chillin'
Whilst watching I.P.L
I had an I.P.A
The cricket rather swell
The beer was way okay.
I.P.L Indian Premier League cricketI.P.A India Pale Ale beer
Opinions
Labour faces civil war
Corbyn's been suspended
One week he's their leader
The next, he's been upended.
Starmer tries to sort it out
This problem with the Jews
Jeremy sees it differently
In public, airs his views.
The fact that he goes public
Leaves Starmer with no choice
With trouble brewing in their ranks
Who'll have the strongest voice.
Former Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn was suspended from the party after a disagreement with new leader Kier Starmer about the way that Labour was dealing with anti-semetism in the party.
Vacation
They've found water on the moon
Might be enough to drink
This news could not have come too soon
For holidays, I think.
No need for social distancing
No more Covid 19
I feel so happy, I could sing
Somewhere I haven't been.
I'll take a bucket and a spade
My pint glass for the pub
A brolly too for in the shade
I hope they serve good grub.
I'm all packed up and set to go
Need Boris's decree
Because the little so and so
Has put me in tier three.
Vandalism
Grave vandalised
Surprise, surprise
Of Cilla OBE
Though not a saint
Why spray with paint
It seems bizarre to me.
Doddy too
What Diddy do
He brought us happiness
Both rest in peace
It's just caprice
Some folk are bad, I guess.
Misunderstanding
In Covid hit Wales
They have limited sales
To items considered essential
A wife was refused
An item that's used
By ladies in ways confidential
Until a chappy spoke out
And cleared up the doubt
In a voice that was quite presidential.
A woman in Wales was refused sanitary products in her local Tesco's. The welsh government later claimed that this was a misinterpretation of their new Covid rules.
The election
The language is incomprehensible
His rhetoric largely dispensable
Some of his views indefensible
Why can't this man say something sensible?
Old Friends
There are holes in my sock
And a hole in my shoe
They have been round the block
And my toes all peek through.
I could buy some more
But I've got quite attached
They were worn to the funeral
When my wife was dispatched.
Only joking darling...
Clocks
My clocks went back this morning
It's daylight saving time
It took two hours to alter them
A blooming pantomime.
A slight exaggeration, but you get the drift...
Children
Children talk of
Monsters and Santa
Adults engage in
Cruel banter.
Kids believe
In the Easter bunny
Grown ups worship
The power of money.
Children want
Sweets, hugs and toys
Adults seek
Refuge from noise.
Anything naughty
An adult forbids
What adults want mostly
They want to be kids.
Tattoo
I've thought about one
But I'm scared of the pain
Will it fade with the sun
Or wash off with the rain?
A small one to start
Nothing too flash
Perhaps a love-heart
Do I have to pay cash?
The tattooist's gun
Starts up with a whine
My idea of fun?
Nope, I've changed my mind.
Orange
There's a girl at my school
Who's called Lizzy Gorenje
Which I think is cool
Cos her name rhymes with orange.
There is no rhyme for orangeBut don't tell Lizzie G.
Love
Dearest darling Lynne
You're the tonic in my gin
But when you eat, you gobble
And when you laugh, you wobble.
My one and only Sam
I love the way I am
But you're an ugly git
I've had enough, I quit.
Paper
The world is using less paper
Most of my books are on Kindle
This must be a good thing, right
As all of our rain-forests dwindle.
I don't even use any cash now
I pay everything credit card
But how do I wipe my bum though
This laptop's too rigid, too hard.
If
If wheels were square
Instead of round
Cars would be useless
For getting around
If schools were round
instead of square
There'd be no naughty corner
And no naughty chair.
The Poet
I have realised, when I cark it
What will become of my blog
Who can I trust with my laptop
My buddy, my missus, my dog?
So, I'm now looking for an apprentice
To train 'ere I finally go
Otherwise you will wake up one morning
To no more little poems from Hobbo.
Poet Don
There's a poet, Don, who lives in Oz
Who writes a little blog
Which often stars his cat
And occasionally his dog.
His poetry is funny
His wit it bewitches
And some of his comments
Will leave you in stitches.
He should have more follows
But he's been overlooked
So give Don a try
And I bet you'll be hooked.
Poet Don lives in Australia, and publishes three or four short posts every day. He's one of the first bloggers I started following on a regular basis because some of his stuff is really funny. I think he should have a lot more followers. Please give him a try and see if you agree. The link is;
https://donmatthewspoetry.com
(This is an unsolicited personal recommendation)
Inspiration
Oh, what a caper
A clean sheet of paper
I need inspiration
Shall I try medication?
Something ongoing
Would set juices flowing
Is this writer's curse
Or do I call it blank verse?
Graham Liver
Graham's show
On in the morning
Makes me laugh
And stops me yawning.
His surname's Liver
As in diver
Don't say liver
as in river.
...although he does know his onions.
Owain
Owain Evans makes me grin
With lilting, sing-song vowel
His quiffed hairdo, and perfect skin
More camp than Baden Powell.
He's very entertaining though
Attracting interest
Through sun and wind and rain and snow
And those suits are the best.
Shorts
Downtown in Burnley the people wear shorts
Perhaps it's a Lancashire thing
Baring knees at the first sign of Summer
And airing them, through until Spring.
Calves that are shapely, knees that are knobbly
Legs that could win the Gold Cup
Braving arctic conditions, blowing a hooley
These things should be kept covered up.
In cold or in rain, folk put on their coats
Whilst waiting for sunnier skies
But even in wellies, they're still wearing shorts
Must be something they put in their pies.
The challenge
A beautiful woman named Claire
Sent her dad down a wire for a dare
Like Castor and Pollux
They trussed up his bollocks
The height of it gave him a scare.
He flew through the air like a plane
From Portugal right into Spain
She was clearly so proud
But he said to the crowd
"You won't get me on it again."
Black lives matter
Black lives matter, our latest refrain
Praying this time, the phrase will remain
Until at last our mindset's been changed
Living in peace, no culture estranged.
Look at the States, so many have died
For trivial stuff, police homicide?
The many campaigns, like 'I can't breathe'
'Sandie speaks' and 'Taking the knee.'
Black lives matter, but if you adjoint
White lives, all lives, you're missing the point
Mikey Holding, the sports commentator
Eruditely explained what the campaign's for.
Hundreds of years racial exclusion
Frustration breeds, blacks need inclusion
No one's born bad, from parents our views
Neighbours and teachers, the six o'clock news.
What we need then, good education
Learn to be friends, no segregation
'Black lives matter,' really, I get it
Let's make changes, let's not forget it.
My Hat Collection
Picking hats for my collection
My choice has been meticulous
I only wear them one at once
Or I would look ridiculous.
I'll start of with my baseball caps
I've collected five of these
Two were from sunny Australia
Where shade can hit forty degrees.
There's a cap from Canada's Bamf
Embroidered with proud Maple Leaf
Whilst one from our amis in France
Has the Eiffel Tower motif.
My golfing favourite was purchased
At the British Open event
Where Darren Clarke beat all the others
In sunshine, at Sandwich, in Kent.
So cheap is an old knotted hanky
It's one that I almost forgot
The sun can not get at my head
If it's cloudy, I fill it with snot.
A real Aussie bush hat from Perth
Is just the sartorial ticket
And a foldable one from Tasmania
Perfect for watching the cricket.
My fedora from M and S
I sport with an elegant style
And wearing my chequered flat cap
I look like the Duke of Argyle.
In winter the ear flaps come down
When cold snow and hail starts to fall
But my scary old balaclava
I find it the warmest of all.
Friends
Simon was famous on Facebook
Had hundreds of friends in his life
Yet no one he actually spoke to
No buddies, no girlfriend, no wife.
His success was repeated on Twitter
One million followers plus
But he came to a violent ending
Knocked down by the number nine bus.
The money he made from his adverts
Was left to his favourite quartet
And mum organised a huge funeral
For all of his friends on the net.
Though no one showed up, not a sausage
To see Simon the Superstar off
In reality, he was as popular
As a man with a bad Covid cough.
So, if you are an internet wizard
With a wit that's as sharp as a knife
Don't forget to engage with real people
Get up and get out, get a life.
Cheers
The dozens of words and expressions
To describe what's a drunken condition
Makes me realise, being out of your tree
Is a time honoured human condition.
Drunk as a soldier, drunk as a sailor
Drunk as a Lord, drunk as a skunk
Drunk as a fiddler, drunk as a fart
Drunk as an owl, just plain drunk.
Intoxicated, inebriated
Bombed, bladdered, pissed
Smashed up, sewed up, tanked up
Flushed, tiddly, Brahms and Liszt.
Crapulous, maudlin
Out of it, befuddled
Raddled, addled, primed, screwed
Happy, merry, muddled.
Boozed, tight, tipsy
Obfuscated, fuzzy
Three sheets to the wind
Gaga, giggly, muzzy.
Search a synonym for sober though
The well is almost dry
A boring state to be in
So, "Cheers. Mud in your eye."
Cross Family Butchers
At Cross family butchers,our food is nutritious
And all of our meat is simply delicious
Burgers or sausages, steaks or a joint
Give us a try, we won't disappoint.
And as for your barbies.what better idea
Than out deal of the day washed down with cold beer.
Mates
Two right good mates
Meet up in a pub
They have a great time
And eat lots of grub.
They drink loads of beer
Then, needing a wee
They follow each other
It's normal, you see.
One says to the other
"This trough's a bit high."
"Mines longer," he said
"I'll give it a try."
Then he looks across
A girl's washing her hands
It's a sink, not a trough
Fast, he understands.
They've gone in the ladies
Instead of the gents
The lass does not laugh
Pays no complements.
Both so embarrassed
The two stop mid-pee
Then zip up their trousers
And giggling, they flee.
The Restaurant
"My sirloin is tough."
"This wine's a bit rough."
"It's busy, I know
But service is slow."
"My soup's almost cold."
"This bread's five days old."
"Toilets are dirty."
"That waiter is shirty."
"Has B.O moreover."
"Shush, he's coming over."
"Ladies! Everything fine?"
"Yes thanks. Some more wine!"
Alcohol
Alcohol and me
Now that's a complex one
Makes me do some stupid things
But I've had a lot of fun.
The life and soul of parties
Singing karaoke
Remembering all the gags
That's me, Mr Jokey.
I've woken in some states
Nowhere near my best
I've been sick on the streets
And woken fully dressed.
Things I am ashamed of
Which, sober wouldn't do
But drink gave me the courage
To whisper,"I love you."
And you are everything
So tell me, in the end
Is drink one of my demons
Or a very fickle friend.
