Lifestyle

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The Church

First appearance, 
One November
Cried a bit
But don't remember.

Second time
A lovely sight
Never seen her
Dressed in white.

Last time there
The incense curled
Couldn't smell it
Dead to the world.
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Leaving

My wife wants me to leave
Pack my bags, wants shot
Wished misery on me, so
Dilemma, do I go or not?
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Instant Food

Curry in a hurry
Soup in a cup
Oven chips, instant mash
Where will it all end up.

In the UK chips are fat french fries
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Please

You say 
That you love me
But you won't
Do that
It's not a lot to ask
Not all the time
Just now and then
Would be nice
To show that
You really do
Love me
And it's not
Just words
A little sign of respect
That would not
Go amiss
I'm not asking a lot
Am I
So please try it for once
It won't hurt you
The next time
Perhaps
I'd really appreciate it
If
You could
See your way to
Putting the seat down.
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A tough life

The next time
You have the temerity
to complain
That your steak is tough
Try to look at it
From the cow's perspective.
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Curry's

Strolling round the aisles at Curry's
Partner says, "Well flower
I always knew, that me and you
Would tread the corridors of power."

Curry's  A UK electrical store
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Hurley Burley

Kay Burley
Meets Liz Hurley
Nice dress
Good press.
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Shopping

Our shopping trip took longer
When he forgot the money
If we hadn't lived ten miles away
It would have been quite funny.
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Free

It's alright now
Because you see, I'm Free
and if you get that pun
Then you're as old as me.
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Hygiene

His teeth scrubbed with a bog brush
Which Dave claimed stopped decay
Had turned his teeth bright orange
And kept the girls away.
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The Firm

she needs well oiled machine
she gets a well oiled drunk
her firm collapses.
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Shock

One is smaller
He hears girlfriend snigger
A worrying thought when
He thought one was bigger.

Snigger; UK slang for titter, giggle

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Batman

Batman's caught the virus
Lost his sense of taste
Won't come and get his
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner
What a blooming waste.
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Granny

My gran
Was so funny
Always made me laugh
She would say
"Watch her
She's a flibbertigibbet.
Great word gran!

Flibbertigibbet, a frivolous, flighty or excessively talkative person.
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Infedelity

She dissatisfies
He diversifies
She tries
He falsifies
She identifies
He denies
She spies
He solidifies
She pries
He lies
She clarifies
He justifies
She decries
He mortifies
She vilifies
He pacifies
She amplifies
He sighs
She goodbyes
He cries
Love dies.

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Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty
Sat on the fence
He had no opinions
And no common sense.

All of the papers
And all of the news
Couldn't get Humpty
To tell us his views.
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Power
Top men thirst for power
Politicians watch their back
And women even claim
It's an aphrodisiac.

Yes, I admit I crave it
Probably more than most
If my leccy's cut again
I'll have no beans on toast.

Leccy, electricity, electricity bill.
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Hey Diddle Diddle

Hey diddle diddle
My dad's on the fiddle
And mum's run away with a neighbour
I'm in the pink
But I'm heading for clink
Where my girlfriend, sixteen, is in labour.
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Boy
The chuckle muscle deep in his belly
Is in for a whole load of welly
He gives mum a squeeze and a cuddle
Wriggles free and jumps straight in a puddle.
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The Story
Sally's story had won the first prize
Though she wasn't particularly clever
Mum swelled with some pride and surprise
When she heard teacher say, "Best end ever."
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Babies
When I questioned my mummy
How I got in her tummy
She said daddy had planted a seed
Well that was a hard 'un
Cos we have no garden
And daddy does nothing but read.
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The Tongue
My tongue has been...
tormenting, tasting, teasing, tickling, tackling
tactless, teaching, tawdry, tatty, tubby, tattling

twisted, tangled, tigerish, talkative, testy
tingling, terse, telling, temperamental, tetchy

technicolour, talking, turbo, tragic, tedious
tender, taking, talented, taxing, tenacious.

trademark, tricky, touching, tongue-tied, tolerant
topical, toadying, tart, tardy, turbulent.

Maybe I should give it a rest for now!
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A Four Letter Word
This isn't a word
I use much in life
If I do, I'm in trouble
Most of all with my wife.

According to her
It's belittling and cheap
I admit, among men
We use it a heap.

It's a four letter word
That starts with a 'C'
Women don't like it
Demeans them you see.

The debate rages on
It is used all the time
But if I dare to say it
My life's not worth a dime.

So, you know how it starts
But those other three
I won't spell it out
But it ends with a 'T.'

And women don't like it
But men clearly do
For this four letter word
I have one final clue.

It is spoken the most
When out for a shop
Husbands open their mouths
And partners shout,"Stop."

Have you worked it out now
I know you're not lost
This troublesome word
Well, it's quite simply...cost.
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Joe
Joe used to love tractors
but not any more
he's an ex tractor fan.
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The Unknown Warrior
A million fell
You were chosen
A shortlist of four
From the Aisne, the Somme, Arras, Ypres
Draped in the flag
Of the country you died for
You were chosen
One cold November morning
In a small chapel in St.Pol
Brigadier General Wyatt
Chose you
A kings sword
A coffin of solid oak
Were chosen
Buried at the heart
Of an English abbey
In French soil
Amongst poets and kings
You are 
And will be
honoured 
for centuries to come
We salute the sacrifice
of you 
and all the comrades 
you represent
Thank you
For your choice
For your sacrifice.

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Love
Love is a treat
Best served in several courses
And washed down with fine wine.

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Fragile
Trust is
a fragile flower
which once
broken
must be 
carefully repaired
and can never
be fully restored.
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Trust
Day that we met
Best day of my life.

Day you broke my trust
Cried myself to sleep.

Day you came back
I couldn't be arsed.

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Lunch
The flames were prolific
The heat was terrific
The words from the kitchen profane
My nice chicken roast
Is burned black as toast
Sunday lunch has been ruined again.

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Sober
A teacher, not known for sobriety
Gave her students a taste of variety
Her swearing backfired
When, improperly attired
She was sacked for a lack of propriety.
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The Sun
I was dazzled by the sun
Gazed toward her with defiance
For just a shade too long
And was blinded by the science.
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Politics
aloof, arrogant
posturing, proposing, persuading
president, challenger, ballot-box, voters
dithering, deliberating, deciding
unheeded, uncounted
electorate.
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Grooming
I snipped a hair from out my ear
A full three inches long
From where on earth did that appear
I'm getting like King Kong.
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Games
It used to be
Cops and robbers
Cowboys and Indians
Japs and Commandos.

Now it's all
Minecraft
The Legend of Zelda
And Grand Theft Autos.

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Kippers
What makes kippers giddy
Why are hot dogs hot
And why do fish have fingers
I've wondered that a lot.

Poached eggs, are they stolen
Flapjack, does it panic
And is this tripe made up of trash
Or something more organic?
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Snooker
Colour telly snooker
Exciting when brand new
Watching this in black and white
The pink's behind the blue.
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Books
A book fell on my head
Yes, landed on myself
I know that I'm well read
But I have to blame my shelf.
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Curry
The bottom fell out of my world
When you left me gutted and rotten
So, I went on my own for a curry
Then the world fell out of my bottom.
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Chillin'
Whilst watching I.P.L
I had an I.P.A
The cricket rather swell
The beer was way okay.

I.P.L Indian Premier League cricket
I.P.A India Pale Ale beer
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Opinions
Labour faces civil war
Corbyn's been suspended
One week he's their leader
The next, he's been upended.

Starmer tries to sort it out
This problem with the Jews
Jeremy sees it differently
In public, airs his views.

The fact that he goes public
Leaves Starmer with no choice
With trouble brewing in their ranks
Who'll have the strongest voice.

Former Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn was 
suspended from the party after a disagreement 
with new leader Kier Starmer about the way 
that Labour was dealing with anti-semetism 
in the party.

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Polls
America goes to the polls
Economy versus the virus
Despite all the internet trolls
A peaceful result is desirous.
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Furlough
Tomorrow ends furlough
Will I get my job back
Or like thousands of others
Be given the sack?
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Coffee
Shall I go to Big Bucks
I've money in my jacket
But no, their coffee sucks
I'll go to Costa Packet
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Discount
Pam bought a hanging basket
Discounted in a minute
When she told the garden centre
That there was no fuchsia in it.
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Terror
It's happened again in France
This time, a cathedral in Nice
What exactly is wrong with some people
Why can't we all live in peace?
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Vacation
They've found water on the moon
Might be enough to drink
This news could not have come too soon
For holidays, I think.

No need for social distancing
No more Covid 19
I feel so happy, I could sing
Somewhere I haven't been.

I'll take a bucket and a spade
My pint glass for the pub
A brolly too for in the shade
I hope they serve good grub.

I'm all packed up and set to go
Need Boris's decree
Because the little so and so
Has put me in tier three.
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A tale of two princes
Prince Charles
Is isolating
At Balmoral
With
Covid 19.

Prince Andrew
Is isolating
At Windsor
With
Jennifer, 14.

(origin unknown)
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Vandalism
Grave vandalised
Surprise, surprise
Of Cilla OBE
Though not a saint
Why spray with paint
It seems bizarre to me.

Doddy too
What Diddy do
He brought us happiness
Both rest in peace
It's just caprice
Some folk are bad, I guess.








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Misunderstanding
In Covid hit Wales
They have limited sales
To items considered essential
A wife was refused
An item that's used
By ladies in ways confidential
Until a chappy spoke out
And cleared up the doubt
In a voice that was quite presidential.

A woman in Wales was refused sanitary products in her local Tesco's. The welsh government later claimed that this was a misinterpretation of their new Covid rules.
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Ambition
I read in the papers that Burnley
Are getting a striker, that's cool
They only paid twenty five million
He probably still goes to school.
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First encounter
I spied her in the cafe
Dipping brioche, chocolate chipped
She said she was Parisian
"Why, that's capital," I quipped.
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The election
The language is incomprehensible
His rhetoric largely dispensable
Some of his views indefensible
Why can't this man say something sensible?
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Old Friends
There are holes in my sock
And a hole in my shoe
They have been round the block
And my toes all peek through.

I could buy some more
But I've got quite attached
They were worn to the funeral
When my wife was dispatched.

Only joking darling...
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Funny Habits
In Burnley they pour gravy
On their cheese and onion pie
I only have one question
Why, oh why, oh why?
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Clocks
My clocks went back this morning
It's daylight saving time
It took two hours to alter them
A blooming pantomime.

A slight exaggeration, but you get the drift...
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Children
Children talk of
Monsters and Santa
Adults engage in
Cruel banter.

Kids believe
In the Easter bunny
Grown ups worship
The power of money.

Children want
Sweets, hugs and toys
Adults seek
Refuge from noise.

Anything naughty
An adult forbids
What adults want mostly
They want to be kids.


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Tattoo
I've thought about one
But I'm scared of the pain
Will it fade with the sun
Or wash off with the rain?

A small one to start
Nothing too flash
Perhaps a love-heart
Do I have to pay cash?

The tattooist's gun
Starts up with a whine
My idea of fun?
Nope, I've changed my mind.
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Orange
There's a girl at my school
Who's called Lizzy Gorenje
Which I think is cool
Cos her name rhymes with orange.

There is no rhyme for orange
But don't tell Lizzie G.
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Racism
Tell me then, on what basis
When you listen his views
Is Trump not a racist
Or is that his fake news?
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Love
Dearest darling Lynne
You're the tonic in my gin
But when you eat, you gobble
And when you laugh, you wobble.

My one and only Sam
I love the way I am
But you're an ugly git
I've had enough, I quit.
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For You
Here's a poem for you
I wrote it by myself
If I hadn't made it up
It would still be on the shelf.
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Paper
The world is using less paper
Most of my books are on Kindle
This must be a good thing, right
As all of our rain-forests dwindle.

I don't even use any cash now
I pay everything credit card
But how do I wipe my bum though
This laptop's too rigid, too hard.
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If
If wheels were square
Instead of round
Cars would be useless
For getting around

If schools were round
instead of square
There'd be no naughty corner
And no naughty chair.
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The Poet
I have realised, when I cark it
What will become of my blog
Who can I trust with my laptop
My buddy, my missus, my dog?

So, I'm now looking for an apprentice
To train 'ere I finally go
Otherwise you will wake up one morning
To no more little poems from Hobbo.
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Poet Don
There's a poet, Don, who lives in Oz
Who writes a little blog
Which often stars his cat
And occasionally his dog.

His poetry is funny
His wit it bewitches
And some of his comments
Will leave you in stitches.

He should have more follows
But he's been overlooked
So give Don a try
And I bet you'll be hooked.

Poet Don lives in Australia, and publishes three or four short posts every day. He's one of the first bloggers I started following on a regular basis because some of his stuff is really funny. I think he should have a lot more followers. Please give him a try and see if you agree.
   The link is;  
https://donmatthewspoetry.com
(This is an unsolicited personal recommendation)
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Home
My cosy little home
A shelter from the storm
Wood burning on the stove
My tootsies nice and warm.
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Ponder
I pondered the meaning of life
Gave it some serious thought
The answer, the edge of a knife
Either beer, or then again, sport.

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Granddad
Granddad loved his dogs
He'd kept them all his life
So when he popped his clogs
He left one to his wife.

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Inspiration
Oh, what a caper
A clean sheet of paper
I need inspiration
Shall I try medication?

Something ongoing
Would set juices flowing
Is this writer's curse
Or do I call it blank verse?
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Politicians
Bill and Ben, the flowerpot men
Talked rubbish, splobalop
When politicians do it then
Is it something they can't stop?
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Water
Water, water everywhere
And not a drop to drink
I've fallen in the ship canal
And my,it don't half stink.
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Van Halen
When I found out, I cried
The news was so shocking
Van Halen has died
I bet heaven is rocking.
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Graham Liver
Graham's show
On in the morning
Makes me laugh
And stops me yawning.

His surname's Liver
As in diver
Don't say liver
as in river.

...although he does know his onions.
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Trump
Was Donald genuinely ill
Or was it just a stunt?
We should accept face value, still
We know the man's a ****.
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Owain
Owain Evans makes me grin
With lilting, sing-song vowel
His quiffed hairdo, and perfect skin
More camp than Baden Powell.

He's very entertaining though
Attracting interest
Through sun and wind and rain and snow
And those suits are the best.

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Shorts
Downtown in Burnley the people wear shorts
Perhaps it's a Lancashire thing
Baring knees at the first sign of Summer
And airing them, through until Spring.

Calves that are shapely, knees that are knobbly
Legs that could win the Gold Cup
Braving arctic conditions, blowing a hooley
These things should be kept covered up.

In cold or in rain, folk put on their coats
Whilst waiting for sunnier skies
But even in wellies, they're still wearing shorts
Must be something they put in their pies.

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Happy Anniversary
Married now for fifty year
And I still think you're hot
So, love is in the air, my dear
When you say, "Yes. Why not?
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Brexit
It's our own fault
We chose to exit
Talks at a halt
A no-deal Brexit?
Photo by Jackson David on Pexels.com
Hair
My hair
Thrives everywhere
In my ears
Up my nose
Trim it off
Back it grows
Bushy eyebrows
Very scary
Why am I
So blooming hairy?
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Litter
The sight of so much litter
Has left me feeling bitter
Find a bin for that used mask
It's not a lot to ask.
Photo by Elizabeth Tr. Armstrong on Pexels.com
The challenge

A beautiful woman named Claire
Sent her dad down a wire for a dare
Like Castor and Pollux
They trussed up his bollocks
The height of it gave him a scare.

He flew through the air like a plane
From Portugal right into Spain
She was clearly so proud
But he said to the crowd
"You won't get me on it again."

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Nonsense
Crazy Maisie, ticky tocky
Oops a daisy, Jabberwocky
Easy peasy, squishy squashy
Lemon squeezy, wishy washy

Steady Eddie, sweet as honey
Fiery Freddie, funny bunny
Buster Grimes and chilly Willy
Nonsense rhymes are just plain silly.
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Black lives matter

Black lives matter, our latest refrain
Praying this time, the phrase will remain
Until at last our mindset's been changed
Living in peace, no culture estranged.

Look at the States, so many have died
For trivial stuff, police homicide?
The many campaigns, like 'I can't breathe'
'Sandie speaks' and 'Taking the knee.'

Black lives matter, but if you adjoint
White lives, all lives, you're missing the point
Mikey Holding, the sports commentator
Eruditely explained what the campaign's for.

Hundreds of years racial exclusion
Frustration breeds, blacks need inclusion
No one's born bad, from parents our views
Neighbours and teachers, the six o'clock news.

What we need then, good education
Learn to be friends, no segregation
'Black lives matter,' really, I get it
Let's make changes, let's not forget it.
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My Hat Collection

Picking hats for my collection
My choice has been meticulous
I only wear them one at once
Or I would look ridiculous.
I'll start of with my baseball caps
I've collected five of these
Two were from sunny Australia
Where shade can hit forty degrees.

There's a cap from Canada's Bamf
Embroidered with proud Maple Leaf
Whilst one from our amis in France
Has the Eiffel Tower motif.
My golfing favourite was purchased
At the British Open event
Where Darren Clarke beat all the others
In sunshine, at Sandwich, in Kent.

So cheap is an old knotted hanky
It's one that I almost forgot
The sun can not get at my head
If it's cloudy, I fill it with snot.
A real Aussie bush hat from Perth
Is just the sartorial ticket
And a foldable one from Tasmania
Perfect for watching the cricket.

My fedora from M and S
I sport with an elegant style
And wearing my chequered flat cap
I look like the Duke of Argyle.
In winter the ear flaps come down
When cold snow and hail starts to fall
But my scary old balaclava
I find it the warmest of all.


Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com
Friends
Simon was famous on Facebook
Had hundreds of friends in his life
Yet no one he actually spoke to
No buddies, no girlfriend, no wife.

His success was repeated on Twitter
One million followers plus
But he came to a violent ending
Knocked down by the number nine bus.

The money he made from his adverts
Was left to his favourite quartet
And mum organised a huge funeral
For all of his friends on the net.

Though no one showed up, not a sausage
To see Simon the Superstar off
In reality, he was as popular
As a man with a bad Covid cough.

So, if you are an internet wizard
With a wit that's as sharp as a knife
Don't forget to engage with real people
Get up and get out, get a life.


Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels.com
Cheers
The dozens of words and expressions
To describe what's a drunken condition
Makes me realise, being out of your tree
Is a time honoured human condition.

Drunk as a soldier, drunk as a sailor
Drunk as a Lord, drunk as a skunk
Drunk as a fiddler, drunk as a fart
Drunk as an owl, just plain drunk.

Intoxicated, inebriated
Bombed, bladdered, pissed
Smashed up, sewed up, tanked up
Flushed, tiddly, Brahms and Liszt.

Crapulous, maudlin
Out of it, befuddled
Raddled, addled, primed, screwed
Happy, merry, muddled.

Boozed, tight, tipsy
Obfuscated, fuzzy
Three sheets to the wind
Gaga, giggly, muzzy.

Search a synonym for sober though
The well is almost dry
A boring state to be in
So, "Cheers. Mud in your eye."


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Cross Family Butchers
At Cross family butchers,our food is nutritious
And all of our meat is simply delicious
Burgers or sausages, steaks or a joint
Give us a try, we won't disappoint.
And as for your barbies.what better idea
Than out deal of the day washed down with cold beer.


Photo by P C on Pexels.com
Mates
Two right good mates
Meet up in a pub
They have a great time 
And eat lots of grub.

They drink loads of beer
Then, needing a wee
They follow each other
It's normal, you see.

One says to the other
"This trough's a bit high."
"Mines longer," he said
"I'll give it a try."

Then he looks across
A girl's washing her hands
It's a sink, not a trough
Fast, he understands.

They've gone in the ladies
Instead of the gents
The lass does not laugh
Pays no complements.

Both so embarrassed 
The two stop mid-pee
Then zip up their trousers
And giggling, they flee.



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The Restaurant

"My sirloin is tough."

"This wine's a bit rough."

"It's busy, I know
But service is slow."

"My soup's almost cold."

"This bread's five days old."

"Toilets are dirty."

"That waiter is shirty."

"Has B.O moreover."

"Shush, he's coming over."

"Ladies!  Everything fine?"

"Yes thanks.  Some more wine!"

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com
Kids
I like kids, honestly
I went to school with some
But I couldn't eat a full one
I'd get a poorly tum.
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Alcohol
Alcohol and me
Now that's a complex one
Makes me do some stupid things
But I've had a lot of fun.

The life and soul of parties
Singing karaoke
Remembering all the gags
That's me, Mr Jokey.

I've woken in some states
Nowhere near my best
I've been sick on the streets
And woken fully dressed.

Things I am ashamed of
Which, sober wouldn't do
But drink gave me the courage
To whisper,"I love you."

And you are everything
So tell me, in the end
Is drink one of my demons
Or a very fickle friend.
Photo by Florent B. on Pexels.com
Powerhouse
You'll be a Northern Powerhouse
They promised the North West
We're now the Covid Capital
Does that mean we're the best?