Limericks

The Operation

The sight in the mirror had stunned her
The medics had made a real blunder
Her pert little nose
Looked like a red rose
And the surgeon refused to refund her.

The Greenhouse

A woman of strange misdemeanour
Had a greenhouse which could've been greener
So now and again
She rang her friend Len
And had the glass shined by Len's cleaner.

The Viking

Hagar the horrible Viking
Had a helmet not quite to his liking
The horns were too small
To protect in a brawl
So, with chin strap he used it for biking.

Sammy the snail

Sammy the snail with crustaceous
Shell of proportions palacious
Was mugged by a thug
Now he looks like a slug
And is homeless, which I think disgracious.

The Entertainer

Entertainer with stage act hypnotic
Lives lifestyle extremely chaotic
As he shaves, does a dance
Puts himself in a trance
That's not careless, it's just idiotic.

Space X

It's gravity free in Space X
Where you've seen some funny effects
On the astronaut's hair
Which flies in the air
What on earth must go on in their kecks?

Kecks; UK slang for a pair of trousers

Mr Noisy
Her husband when speaking would bellow
A trait she decided to mellow
By feeding him custard
With dollops of mustard
Which worked, though his skin turned bright yellow.

Votes
Trump and his admin divisive
Though beaten by margins decisive
Claim's Biden's a fraud
But the news from abroad
Is the watching world thinks this derisive.

Aladdin's Lamp

Gullible doctor called Khan
Falls for ridiculous yarn
Fifteen million rupees
Aladdin's lamp, jeez
Didn't work, oh my goodness me, darn.

One Way
Her eyesight problematic
She drives in mode dramatic
Is seen by a cop
Who shouts her to stop
And berates her with words not grammatic.

Farmers
Two entrepreneurial farmers
With a fine herd of thoroughbred llamas
By scientific means
Using zebra genes
Bred crias in stripey pyjamas.

Cria...a juvenile Llama or Alpaca 

The production
A stage never used for production
Was used as a place of seduction
With the pair found in bed
Broken walls round their head
The cause didn't take much deduction.

Mate
A West Yorkshire town's Mayoress
Had friends she was keen to impress
With her chain round her neck
And her mates kept in check
She became a Grand Master of chess.

Oh Heck
Seems like a case of bad luck to me
In agony, needs appendectomy
Flash of the blade
Incision is made
Surgeon thinks it's a vasectomy.

Poetic Justice
A poet renowned for his wit
Was surprised to be served with a writ
When his personal life
And that of his wife
To be published, she would not permit.

Gran's clock
Hickory dickory dock
My gran left me a clock
Chimed all blooming night
So, come the daylight
I threw the damn thing in the loch.

Choice
America's going to choose
Either the reds or the blues
Not much of a test
If these are the best
However they vote, it's a lose.

The Sheikh
A wealthy Arabian sheikh
Kept a duck that was born with no beak
You may think him crackers
But he kept only quackers
Rare enough to be considered unique.

Oops
A linguist possessing a smattering
Of languages, thought he was flattering
What he thought was you beauty
Translated as snooty
And the young lady gave him a battering.

Fate
A poet, confirmed alcoholic
Combined wit with a pen vitriolic
One day whilst mid smear
Fell into his beer
And drowned in a manner symbolic.

The confessional
A woman described as professional
Sneaked into her local confessional
As all of her tales
Were of sins caused by males
Her penance was purely discretional.

Beauty
Young woman with flawless complexion
Sets heart on a Botox injection
Beautician she slips
Needle misses her lips
Gets a wrinkle free nose on reflection.

Mutual Attraction
A dashing young palaeontologist
Fell in love with a skilled campanologist
His bones cast their spell
And she rang his bell
Cue, visit to top gynaecologist.

Choice
My wife has bought me two ties
As part of my birthday surprise
I wore one tonight
"Is the other not right?"
She criticised, rolling her eyes.

The Mayor
Andy, the Manchester mayor
Spoke out, to get a fair share
Got very emotive
But what was his motive
Or is that a little unfair?

Rapping
Rapper by name Titchy Willy
Wrote rhymes which were nothing but silly
His partner got cross
And said, "This is dross
You make this stuff up willy nilly."

Ambition
A shivering tiny field-mouse
He wanted to live in a house
I know it's a shame
But the clue's in your name
Said Minnie, his long suffering spouse

Teeth
Peggy had very bad teeth
And no healthy gums underneath
Dentist fantastic
Made a set out of plastic
Which. to her young son, she bequeathed.

The Ant
Tony, a five legged ant
Had to walk to his nest on a slant
Friends bought him a stick
To help him walk quick
And motability gave him a grant.

Rules
This is confusing for me
Am I in tier two or tier three
Will I get into trouble
If I don't have a bubble
Can granny pop round for her tea?

The Cat
A senior citizen, Pat
Was given a robotic cat
With hardly a word
When she stroked it, it purred
And the old lady started to chat.

Fancy that...

Johnny
Little Johnny, he needed to go
But teacher refused, she said,"No,
What word starts with a P?"
He said,"You're asking me,
Really miss, you ought to know."

Billy
Billy Bighead, a bit of a boaster
Invented the world's largest toaster
One day he fell in it
And in less than a minute
His head was as flat as a coaster.

Hobbo
Hobbo the poet, has terrible shakes
Probably triggered by all his mistakes
Psychosomatic
It's still problematic
Whatever he touches, the poor bugger breaks.

Labels
The boss of a smart ocean liner
Bought only clothes labelled designer
But this two penny toff
Was getting ripped off
His threads were all copies from China.

The Marine
Peter Petite, a marine
Was a muscle bound fighting machine
Till he went to the ballet
With great auntie Sally
And now likes to dress as the queen.

Cricket
Sprawled on the couch watching cricket
My team went and lost their last wicket
"Cheer up my dear
I've brought you a beer."
"Why thank you love. That's just the ticket."

The Jury
Tommy, from Thailand, a tourist
Was summoned to court as a jurist
Judge Hullabulloo
Said she'd take ten to two
But unanimous Tom was a purist.

Beefy
What an amazing award
They've made Ian Botham a Lord
The Queen said,"Arise."
Then to Beefy's surprise
She hit him for six with her sword.

Finance
A financial adviser from Leicester
Was a real gung-ho type of investor
Except with his wife
Who said,"Not on your life
I would rather just leave it to fester."

Farmer Sue
Farmer Sue Tickle, a giant
On taxes, would not be compliant
They took her to court
And left her with nought
But a battered old Robin Reliant.

The Greenkeeper
Greenkeeper, E.Moses Grass
Got wed to a proud Yorkshire lass
Extremely God fearing
To help with his shearing
They road on his mower into mass.

Mac
An amateur baker called Mac
Had a recipe he couldn't crack
He'd salt and he'd sweeten
Add almond and pecan
Then voila, the perfect flapjack.

Tony
A serial ladies man, Tony
Claimed an allergy to matrimony
Till a woman called Fi
Sent him weak at the knee
And proved this a load of baloney.

Eddy
A teacher from Burnley named Eddy
Had a job which was all go-aheady
He claimed not to drink
But the kids knew his chink
And nicknamed him unsteady Eddy.

Jurgen Klopp
Jurgen Norbert Klopp
Won the hearts and the minds of the cop
The football was thrilling
His focus was chilling
It's been thirty years, but they're top.

Dot
I married a woman called Dot
And when I asked,"Why?" she said,"What?"
I think it's her hearing
Which would be endearing
But she says that I am a clot.

The washing machine
Jack owned an old washing machine
For keeping his clothes nice and clean
Then when it broke
He sent for a bloke
And now they are both a 'has been.'