A quirky look at life from a Yorkshire poet and his dog's perspective
Limericks
The General's Missus
A General's wife, fourteen carat,
At mess had a tad too much claret,
She was caught on the stairs
With Private Affairs
And now, she's confined to the garret.
That's mine!
A wife, on her first ever cruise
Saw that husband was nicking her booze.
Being fully insured,
He was pushed overboard,
Concluding she'd nothing to lose.
Deep Breaths
A woman with deep vein thrombosis,
Insisted on fresh diagnosis.
She was in for a shock,
When a specialist doc,
Concluded, severe halitosis.
Lolita
She troweled on thick black eyeliner,
To hide the fact, she was a minor.
Her date for the night
Said, "You look a sight,
It's like courting, a bloody coal miner.
The entrepreneur
He went to the sex toy convention,
Intending to sell his invention.
He didn't sell many,
That is, until when he
Had added a little extension.
A nod to Mr Lear
Limericks, are meant to be funny,
Not taken too seriously, honey.
I did what you said,
When you took me to bed,
So, shut up and give me the money.
Philanthropy
A woman, all lipstick and powder
Every day cooked the same thing, clam chowder
In heels and posh dress
She served the homeless
And husband could not have been prouder.
The Arab Prince
A foolish old sheikh with a leer
Wrote more and more plays every year
Royalties amassed
But the prince was bypassed
And the brass went to silly sheik's peer.
Supersize me
A carnivorous restaurant founder
Invented the meat seven pounder
With mayonnaise spread
Twixt two loaves of bread
Small wonder his belly got rounder.
Prejudice
Robin, a prejudiced sparrow
Held opinions, both racist and narrow
These views proved absurd
When he spied a blackbird
That Cupid had hit with his arrow.
The philanderer
For the price of ten fags and a beer
The sailor had caught gonorrhea
When his wife made advances
He didn't take chances
He told her he'd got diarrhoea.
The eye of the beholder
A man with a shiny red tractor
Got wed to an out of work actor
Bereft of a stage
She was left with no wage
And the size of his wheels was a factor.
Monsieur Bump
Limerick king, Mister Bump's
Inspiration was down in the dumps
A quick cup of tea
And a biscuit or three
Helped his quick witted rhymes come up trumps.
In the spirit
The ghouls and the ghosts had a bash
Serving mountains of bangers and mash
For those little sprites
With small appetites
Their option, of course, was goulash.
Bash: UK slang for a party
Bangers and mash: Sausages and mashed potato
Goulash: Hungarian stew
The French Revolution
The peasants had started to riot
Over rumours that caused them disquiet
There was no cake to scoff
So, Louis the Toff
Was put on a guillotine diet.
Sweet Revenge
By washing the blood from his shirt
'Twas justice he tried to pervert
But judge got an eyeful
Of strychnine laced trifle
And villain got his, just deserts.
The gay political candidate
Tha' mun as well come out o' closet
Tha's gay lad, an' ivv'ry one nozzit
Our polling denotes
Tha' mun get more votes
Tha' mun even keep thee deposit.
Translation
You may as well stop hiding the fact
that you are gay, because everyone knows it.
We have done some polling which indicates
It might increase your chances of winning
And you could even get to keep your deposit.
Note: In the UK, political candidates pay a deposit which is
returned to them if they get a certain percentage of
the votes.
Forefathers
At the end of their Summer semester
The histr'y exam were a tester
By being discrete
They managed to cheat
Encouraged, cos teacher Ann sez ter.
The caring profession
A woman with problems, Fallopian
Saw a specialist doc, Ethiopian
Eighteen kids later
She sued this creator
For spoiling her life style, Utopian.
Classic Car
The motor belonged to his niece
But she let him have it, on lease
On lifting the bonnet
A fourteen line sonnet
The source of the rhyme, ancient grease.
The Pianist
Five star, a young Generalissimo
Was a whizz on the old pianissimo
When he played for the army
His troops all went barmy
How they cheered, as they shouted bravissimo.
The laws of physics
An elephant tried to defy
Laws of physics by learning to fly
She jumped from a bridge
With the grace of a fridge
Squashed six meerkats and two passers-by.
Value for Money
The burger, was so full of gristle
She demanded the head chef's dismissal
The boss disagreed
Not a chip, did he cede
"If it's discount you're after, go whistle."
Innocent until proven...
Defence lawyers tried to prohibit
CCTV as exhibit
Queen's Counsel won
Result, smoking gun
Saw him swing at the end of a gibbet.
Queen's Counsel: Prosecution lawyers
Gibbet: Hangman's scaffold
The Golfer
His one handicap is his stutter
He can drive hundred yards with a putter
Fairway or rough
If the going gets tough
Golf is his bread and ber butter.
The early bird
A worm, overweight, even burly
Is spotted by blackbird, out early
From the grass, he is torn
As he pops out the lawn
Chomped up, like a choc Curly Wurly.
Norah Docker
Socialite miss, Lady Docker
Wed three millionaires, what a shocker
A girl on the make
Who liked wedding cake
But one at a time, so don't knock her.
Hide and stink
Hide and seek, young Johnny had hidden
Up to his neck in a midden
When they found him, he stunk
Much worse than a skunk
And to enter his house was forbidden.
midden: compost heap, muck heap, pile of manure
Bath time darling!
She bathed in surroundings luxurious
Not knowing the label was spurious
Bubble bath, it was not
It wrinkled the lot
Nails, skin and hair, she was furious.
The eve of what exactly?
New year's Eve is symbolic
We should put on our glad rags and frolic
Though not any more
We've been put in tier four
So, pity the poor alcoholic.
A New Year's Resolution
Ecological, his resolution
Eliminate foul air pollution
He stopped eating beans
Cabbage or greens
An effective, but small, contribution.
Career break
Single-handedly crossing the ocean
Done on a whim, a mere notion
A break from career
Which took fifteen year
By rowing the boat in slow motion.
True Love
Hannah, a beautiful tutor
Had a very shy lad for a suitor
He was caught in a lather
By the angry girl's father
Who threatened the poor lad to neuter.
Dauphy: Ah, true love never runs smooth!
Hobbo: Wise words Dauphy. Very true.
Fussy eating
A boy born with only one nipple
Was allergic to milk as a tipple
In her culinary quest
Mum found what worked best
Was to feed him on raspberry ripple.
raspberry ripple: a popular flavour of ice cream in the UK
Goosey Goosey Gone
Her geese were a pair of old honkers
That racket they made drove her bonkers
The sound was a riot
So, to get peace and quiet
The male of the two lost his conkers.
The art of biscuit dunking
The biscuit was dunked in her tea
Four seconds, not five and not three
Her timing was wrong
She held it too long
In it plopped, making cookie debris.
The Repair Shop
Everything brought him was mendable
This philosophy highly commendable
He would bodge and make do
with filler and glue
But nothing he fixed was dependable.
Bodge, or 'make do' both UK slang for amateur DIY repairs.
Pipe Up!
A man big in circles masonic
Had to have irrigation colonic
It made his eyes water
But cheered up when the porter
Arrived with a large gin and tonic.
The Big Date
He splashed on the eau de cologne
For his date with this woman unknown
It had no effect
Despite their connect
The meeting was over the phone.
Deceit
The detective goes deep undercover
Their anarchist plans to discover
She falls for his charms
Straight into his arms
Naively becoming his lover.
The Seamstress
Mother of three Lucy Lastik
With a needle was enthusiastic
At stitching and sewing
She delighted in knowing
That her fashionable clothes were fantastic.
Dual Standards
A great tribal chieftain polygamous
Met raven haired beauty monogamous
He cherished his crown
But she wouldn't back down
And the kids that they had stayed anonymous.
The Operation
The sight in the mirror had stunned her
The medics had made a real blunder
Her pert little nose
Looked like a red rose
And the surgeon refused to refund her.
The Greenhouse
A woman of strange misdemeanour
Had a greenhouse which could've been greener
So now and again
She rang her friend Len
And had the glass shined by Len's cleaner.
The Viking
Hagar the horrible Viking
Had a helmet not quite to his liking
The horns were too small
To protect in a brawl
So, with chin strap he used it for biking.
Sammy the snail
Sammy the snail with crustaceous
Shell of proportions palacious
Was mugged by a thug
Now he looks like a slug
And is homeless, which I think disgracious.
The Entertainer
Entertainer with stage act hypnotic
Lives lifestyle extremely chaotic
As he shaves, does a dance
Puts himself in a trance
That's not careless, it's just idiotic.
Space X
It's gravity free in Space X
Where you've seen some funny effects
On the astronaut's hair
Which flies in the air
What on earth must go on in their kecks?
Kecks; UK slang for a pair of trousers
Mr Noisy
Her husband when speaking would bellow
A trait she decided to mellow
By feeding him custard
With dollops of mustard
Which worked, though his skin turned bright yellow.
Votes
Trump and his admin divisive
Though beaten by margins decisive
Claim's Biden's a fraud
But the news from abroad
Is the watching world thinks this derisive.
Farmers
Two entrepreneurial farmers
With a fine herd of thoroughbred llamas
By scientific means
Using zebra genes
Bred crias in stripey pyjamas.
Cria...a juvenile Llama or Alpaca
The production
A stage never used for production
Was used as a place of seduction
With the pair found in bed
Broken walls round their head
The cause didn't take much deduction.
Mate
A West Yorkshire town's Mayoress
Had friends she was keen to impress
With her chain round her neck
And her mates kept in check
She became a Grand Master of chess.
Poetic Justice
A poet renowned for his wit
Was surprised to be served with a writ
When his personal life
And that of his wife
To be published, she would not permit.
The Sheikh
A wealthy Arabian sheikh
Kept a duck that was born with no beak
You may think him crackers
But he kept only quackers
Rare enough to be considered unique.
Oops
A linguist possessing a smattering
Of languages, thought he was flattering
What he thought was you beauty
Translated as snooty
And the young lady gave him a battering.
The confessional
A woman described as professional
Sneaked into her local confessional
As all of her tales
Were of sins caused by males
Her penance was purely discretional.
Beauty
Young woman with flawless complexion
Sets heart on a Botox injection
Beautician she slips
Needle misses her lips
Gets a wrinkle free nose on reflection.
Mutual Attraction
A dashing young palaeontologist
Fell in love with a skilled campanologist
His bones cast their spell
And she rang his bell
Cue, visit to top gynaecologist.
Rapping
Rapper by name Titchy Willy
Wrote rhymes which were nothing but silly
His partner got cross
And said, "This is dross
You make this stuff up willy nilly."
Ambition
A shivering tiny field-mouse
He wanted to live in a house
I know it's a shame
But the clue's in your name
Said Minnie, his long suffering spouse
The Cat
A senior citizen, Pat
Was given a robotic cat
With hardly a word
When she stroked it, it purred
And the old lady started to chat.
Fancy that...
Johnny
Little Johnny, he needed to go
But teacher refused, she said,"No,
What word starts with a P?"
He said,"You're asking me,
Really miss, you ought to know."
Billy
Billy Bighead, a bit of a boaster
Invented the world's largest toaster
One day he fell in it
And in less than a minute
His head was as flat as a coaster.
Hobbo
Hobbo the poet, has terrible shakes
Probably triggered by all his mistakes
Psychosomatic
It's still problematic
Whatever he touches, the poor bugger breaks.
Labels
The boss of a smart ocean liner
Bought only clothes labelled designer
But this two penny toff
Was getting ripped off
His threads were all copies from China.
The Marine
Peter Petite, a marine
Was a muscle bound fighting machine
Till he went to the ballet
With great auntie Sally
And now likes to dress as the queen.
Cricket
Sprawled on the couch watching cricket
My team went and lost their last wicket
"Cheer up my dear
I've brought you a beer."
"Why thank you love. That's just the ticket."
The Jury
Tommy, from Thailand, a tourist
Was summoned to court as a jurist
Judge Hullabulloo
Said she'd take ten to two
But unanimous Tom was a purist.
Finance
A financial adviser from Leicester
Was a real gung-ho type of investor
Except with his wife
Who said,"Not on your life
I would rather just leave it to fester."
Farmer Sue
Farmer Sue Tickle, a giant
On taxes, would not be compliant
They took her to court
And left her with nought
But a battered old Robin Reliant.
The Greenkeeper
Greenkeeper, E.Moses Grass
Got wed to a proud Yorkshire lass
Extremely God fearing
To help with his shearing
They road on his mower into mass.
Eddy
A teacher from Burnley named Eddy
Had a job which was all go-aheady
He claimed not to drink
But the kids knew his chink
And nicknamed him unsteady Eddy.
Jurgen Klopp
Jurgen Norbert Klopp
Won the hearts and the minds of the cop
The football was thrilling
His focus was chilling
It's been thirty years, but they're top.
Dot
I married a woman called Dot
And when I asked,"Why?" she said,"What?"
I think it's her hearing
Which would be endearing
But she says that I am a clot.
The washing machine
Jack owned an old washing machine
For keeping his clothes nice and clean
Then when it broke
He sent for a bloke
And now they are both a 'has been.'
