Limericks

Mutual Attraction
A dashing young palaeontologist
Fell in love with a skilled campanologist
His bones cast their spell
And she rang his bell
Cue, visit to top gynaecologist.
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Choice
My wife has bought me two ties
As part of my birthday surprise
I wore one tonight
"Is the other not right?"
She criticised, rolling her eyes.
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The Mayor
Andy, the Manchester mayor
Spoke out, to get a fair share
Got very emotive
But what was his motive
Or is that a little unfair?
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Rapping
Rapper by name Titchy Willy
Wrote rhymes which were nothing but silly
His partner got cross
And said, "This is dross
You make this stuff up willy nilly."
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Ambition
A shivering tiny field-mouse
He wanted to live in a house
I know it's a shame
But the clue's in your name
Said Minnie, his long suffering spouse
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Teeth
Peggy had very bad teeth
And no healthy gums underneath
Dentist fantastic
Made a set out of plastic
Which. to her young son, she bequeathed.
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The Ant
Tony, a five legged ant
Had to walk to his nest on a slant
Friends bought him a stick
To help him walk quick
And motability gave him a grant.
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Rules
This is confusing for me
Am I in tier two or tier three
Will I get into trouble
If I don't have a bubble
Can granny pop round for her tea?
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The Cat
A senior citizen, Pat
Was given a robotic cat
With hardly a word
When she stroked it, it purred
And the old lady started to chat.

Fancy that...
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Johnny
Little Johnny, he needed to go
But teacher refused, she said,"No,
What word starts with a P?"
He said,"You're asking me,
Really miss, you ought to know."

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Billy
Billy Bighead, a bit of a boaster
Invented the world's largest toaster
One day he fell in it
And in less than a minute
His head was as flat as a coaster.
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Hobbo
Hobbo the poet, has terrible shakes
Probably triggered by all his mistakes
Psychosomatic
It's still problematic
Whatever he touches, the poor bugger breaks.
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Labels
The boss of a smart ocean liner
Bought only clothes labelled designer
But this two penny toff
Was getting ripped off
His threads were all copies from China.
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The Marine
Peter Petite, a marine
Was a muscle bound fighting machine
Till he went to the ballet
With great auntie Sally
And now likes to dress as the queen.
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Cricket
Sprawled on the couch watching cricket
My team went and lost their last wicket
"Cheer up my dear
I've brought you a beer."
"Why thank you love. That's just the ticket."
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The Jury
Tommy, from Thailand, a tourist
Was summoned to court as a jurist
Judge Hullabulloo
Said she'd take ten to two
But unanimous Tom was a purist.
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Beefy
What an amazing award
They've made Ian Botham a Lord
The Queen said,"Arise."
Then to Beefy's surprise
She hit him for six with her sword.
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Finance
A financial adviser from Leicester
Was a real gung-ho type of investor
Except with his wife
Who said,"Not on your life
I would rather just leave it to fester."
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Farmer Sue
Farmer Sue Tickle, a giant
On taxes, would not be compliant
They took her to court
And left her with nought
But a battered old Robin Reliant.

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The Greenkeeper
Greenkeeper, E.Moses Grass
Got wed to a proud Yorkshire lass
Extremely God fearing
To help with his shearing
They road on his mower into mass.


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Mac
An amateur baker called Mac
Had a recipe he couldn't crack
He'd salt and he'd sweeten
Add almond and pecan
Then voila, the perfect flapjack.
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Tony
A serial ladies man, Tony
Claimed an allergy to matrimony
Till a woman called Fi
Sent him weak at the knee
And proved this a load of baloney.
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Eddy
A teacher from Burnley named Eddy
Had a job which was all go-aheady
He claimed not to drink
But the kids knew his chink
And nicknamed him unsteady Eddy.
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Jurgen Klopp
Jurgen Norbert Klopp
Won the hearts and the minds of the cop
The football was thrilling
His focus was chilling
It's been thirty years, but they're top.
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Dot
I married a woman called Dot
And when I asked,"Why?" she said,"What?"
I think it's her hearing
Which would be endearing
But she says that I am a clot.
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The washing machine
Jack owned an old washing machine
For keeping his clothes nice and clean
Then when it broke
He sent for a bloke
And now they are both a 'has been.'
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