A dashing young palaeontologist
Fell in love with a skilled campanologist
His bones cast their spell
And she rang his bell
Cue, visit to top gynaecologist.
My wife has bought me two ties
As part of my birthday surprise
I wore one tonight
"Is the other not right?"
She criticised, rolling her eyes.
Andy, the Manchester mayor
Spoke out, to get a fair share
Got very emotive
But what was his motive
Or is that a little unfair?
Rapper by name Titchy Willy
Wrote rhymes which were nothing but silly
His partner got cross
And said, "This is dross
You make this stuff up willy nilly."
A shivering tiny field-mouse
He wanted to live in a house
I know it's a shame
But the clue's in your name
Said Minnie, his long suffering spouse
Peggy had very bad teeth
And no healthy gums underneath
Made a set out of plastic
Which. to her young son, she bequeathed.
Tony, a five legged ant
Had to walk to his nest on a slant
Friends bought him a stick
To help him walk quick
And motability gave him a grant.
This is confusing for me
Am I in tier two or tier three
Will I get into trouble
If I don't have a bubble
Can granny pop round for her tea?
A senior citizen, Pat
Was given a robotic cat
With hardly a word
When she stroked it, it purred
And the old lady started to chat.
Little Johnny, he needed to go
But teacher refused, she said,"No,
What word starts with a P?"
He said,"You're asking me,
Really miss, you ought to know."
Billy Bighead, a bit of a boaster
Invented the world's largest toaster
One day he fell in it
And in less than a minute
His head was as flat as a coaster.
Hobbo the poet, has terrible shakes
Probably triggered by all his mistakes
It's still problematic
Whatever he touches, the poor bugger breaks.
The boss of a smart ocean liner
Bought only clothes labelled designer
But this two penny toff
Was getting ripped off
His threads were all copies from China.
Peter Petite, a marine
Was a muscle bound fighting machine
Till he went to the ballet
With great auntie Sally
And now likes to dress as the queen.
Sprawled on the couch watching cricket
My team went and lost their last wicket
"Cheer up my dear
I've brought you a beer."
"Why thank you love. That's just the ticket."
Tommy, from Thailand, a tourist
Was summoned to court as a jurist
Said she'd take ten to two
But unanimous Tom was a purist.
What an amazing award
They've made Ian Botham a Lord
The Queen said,"Arise."
Then to Beefy's surprise
She hit him for six with her sword.
A financial adviser from Leicester
Was a real gung-ho type of investor
Except with his wife
Who said,"Not on your life
I would rather just leave it to fester."
Farmer Sue Tickle, a giant
On taxes, would not be compliant
They took her to court
And left her with nought
But a battered old Robin Reliant.
Greenkeeper, E.Moses Grass
Got wed to a proud Yorkshire lass
Extremely God fearing
To help with his shearing
They road on his mower into mass.
An amateur baker called Mac
Had a recipe he couldn't crack
He'd salt and he'd sweeten
Add almond and pecan
Then voila, the perfect flapjack.
A serial ladies man, Tony
Claimed an allergy to matrimony
Till a woman called Fi
Sent him weak at the knee
And proved this a load of baloney.
A teacher from Burnley named Eddy
Had a job which was all go-aheady
He claimed not to drink
But the kids knew his chink
And nicknamed him unsteady Eddy.
Jurgen Norbert Klopp
Won the hearts and the minds of the cop
The football was thrilling
His focus was chilling
It's been thirty years, but they're top.
I married a woman called Dot
And when I asked,"Why?" she said,"What?"
I think it's her hearing
Which would be endearing
But she says that I am a clot.
The washing machine
Jack owned an old washing machine
For keeping his clothes nice and clean
Then when it broke
He sent for a bloke
And now they are both a 'has been.'