The Exemption Certificate This is to certify that the holder of this certificate is exempt from Work related exertions; manual or retail or office bound with email. Worry; health, wealth, finance family or romance. Possessions; financial or property snubs to abject poverty. Physical activities; Everything in real life Anything but still life. I further certify that the owner of this certificate is dead. Evan Chewly
You're having a laugh! A problem, I had I was losing my grip Visit the toilet Then, permanent drip, You're having a laugh! Come on, don't deny it. Urologist grinned Just try it, just try it. When you are finished before you re-dress Reach behind goolies Between your legs, press. It works every time Don't know why, don't know how And who really cares? I've got dry undies, now!
Hidden abuse calculating abhorrent guilty manipulative paedophile scarred betrayed traumatised ashamed marginalised children
Golden? The silence of a life cut short tragically, too brief. The silence of a bereaved mum overwhelmed with grief. The silence of the couple lost in their own thoughts. The silent tear she sheds when he asks for divorce. The silent look of horror before that bomb explodes. The silent sign she gives as she steps into the road. Those silent games they played that went beyond pretend. This silence is forever no beginning and no end.
Who are you? Do you see the brilliance of the diamond or notice the dust on the skirting board? Do you hear the birds singing in the trees or the harassed woman screaming at her kids? Do you taste the rounded flavour of the wine or the bitter tannins in the alcohol beneath? Do you touch the ones you love, with tenderness or hit out at those who hurt you? Do you smell the fresh cut grass on a spring lawn or the odour of dogs who have made their presence known? Do you view the countryside in all its glory or see the litter thrown thoughtlessly away? Do you hear a choir of angels in the morning or joints complaining as you cry yourself to sleep? Do you taste the lightness of the pastry or does the sour taste of failure haunt your mouth? Do you touch each moment with a thank you or do you feel that hand of fickle fate? Do you smell the flowers in your garden or the scent of time that's passed you by? Do you love life what'er the situation or suffer life and take your medication?
May affect less than 1 in 10 Eye pain or rainbow vision! Intermittent, blurring vision! Yellow eyes or yellow skin! Constipation! Vomiting! Drowsiness and sleepiness! Dizzyness or shakiness! Trouble with my flexion! Problems with erection! Weight loss! Weight gain! Blocked nose and bladder pain! Difficulties sleeping! Changes in my speaking! Hair loss! Milk loss! Telling folk to get lost! Tinnitus! Convulsions! Rashes or confusion! Numbness! Tingling! Fear of social mingling! Sensitive to sunlight! Wet bed! Is that right? Such a wide variety Has brought on my anxiety! Prescribed me by my doc These pills leave me in shock!
Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? Cowardly killer, dubbed number nineteen Despicable, your sick form of roulette Mindless bug, reaping death, obscene. We'll wash our hands,we'll fight you clean Whilst there is hope, we are not beaten yet Cowardly killer, dubbed number nineteen. So many bodies, it's almost routine Shadowy form, with no silhouette Mindless bug, reaping death, obscene. Perverted agenda, to kill human beings Fresh strains now to aid and abet Cowardly killer, dubbed number nineteen. Locked down again, stuck, quarantine Not beaten though, you're a martinet Mindless bug, reaping death, obscene. We'll whup your arse with the new vaccine What use then, is your global threat Cowardly killer, dubbed number nineteen Mindless bug, reaping death, obscene.
Gerry Marsden, how did you do it? His ferry has finally crossed His dreams are all tossed and blown Though the fans on the Kop may be lost Gerry, you will never walk alone.
Gerry Marsden MBE, lead singer of Gerry and the Pacemakers has died at the age of 78. The group had several hits including, 'How do you do it?' 'Ferry, Cross the Mersey' and 'You'll never walk alone'. 'You'll never walk alone' became a football terrace anthem for the kop of his hometown club, Liverpool. RIP. Kop, the name for the home supprter's terrace at Liverpool FC
Black Clouds Woke up. Didn't want to. In a foul mood. Another resolution wasted. Challenged God to take me. Didn't work. Head thumping. Stomach washer-ing. Limbs trembling. Feel awful. Covid? Don't think so. More like death. Drag myself up. Walk/crawl to bathroom. Head bowed. Let me die. Please God! I hate hangovers.
New Covid Rules Snow White is in Tier 4 and according to the law can only bubble with one chappie and he's a dwarf but he is Happy!
RIP Pierre Monsieur Cardin Popped les clogs Il est dans le jardin Avec ses chiens Designer Cardin Popped his clogs He is in the garden With his dogs.
Dauphy: Pierre Cardin, the colourful French designer has died?
Dauphy: Very sad. Popped les clogs! That’s not French!
Hobbo: No, but it’s funny.
Dauphy: You think so? I have my reputation to think about. Popped les clogs!
We found a cure! She worked day after day and with vigour Selfless unstinting and tireless To stop radios being de rigueur And cure the disease, 'Own a Wireless.'
Tomato Soup As the whole of the ward Grew redder and redder Doc wrote in his notes Tom's a Heinz Souper Spreader.
What's in a name? Arsenal star Martinelli Had hair styled by fan, Marty Nelly Mildly amusing What's really confusing Their tattooist of choice, Martin Ellie.
What makes you think I'm deaf? Your lunch is ready! Freddie, who is Freddie? It's lunch, it's on the table! Mabel, when did you see Mabel? Do you want to eat or not? Ah, now you call me clot! God, this is sooo frustrating! Whaddya' mean, I need castrating? Put your flipping aids in! You're rooting for a Saints win? Where did I go wrong? Can I sing a song? Jeez, I've had enough! I heard that, I'm not deaf! You hear when you've a hard on! That's rude, I heard that, pardon?
The health check You need to cut down on the fags old man Forty a day is too many Reducing to twenty would be a good start Though really, you shouldn't have any. I'll just check your blood pressure now, if I may My, my, that's a hundred and forty If you weren't a key worker, I'd put you on sick Your whole way of life is so naughty. You are heading towards diabetic With all those mince pies that you eat And alcohol isn't a staple When you have it, it should be a treat. I'll give you a jab for the virus But, be careful, should not go unsaid And once your deliveries are finished I suggest that you go back to bed. That's the end of your annual check up I hope you pay heed to my banter Your lifestyle must alter completely Or next year, there will not be a Santa.
Bye Bye Barbara Dame Barbara Windsor's gone It's such a Carry On Star of soap's Eastenders Her giggly grin befriends us So true, and in the end though We'll miss her innuendo. Actress Dame Barbara Windsor, star of Carry On films, and UK soap opera Eastenders, died today aged 83. RIP
Doctor "Has my son's arm been broken?" She sought their expert views The doctor, quietly spoken Said, "Yes, it's breaking news."
Where is he? Here lies a coffin Full of old bricks Harry Houdini Played one of his tricks.
Vaccine Listen here Covid 19 We've got a brand new vaccine You may feel that you've got your charms But we're having shots in our arms.
Bullying Here lies the body Of little Big Ears Murdered by Noddy And bullied for years.
Anguish Imagine your first thought in a morning every morning before your eyes are even open is shit I'm alive again. Now try and move on from there. It's exhausting.
RIP Mike Here lies the body Of motorist Mike Doing a ton And forgot to think bike.
Happiness Happiness a state of mind depending on nothing but a state of mind.
RIP Jennifer Here lies the body Of Jennifer Dyer Nylon nightie Met open fire.
RIP Mabel Here lies the body Of Mabel Moon Misread the label As tablespoon.
Autumn Autumn's reached, now we've retired Athletes shot, who've run their race No need for claims that we're inspired At work, not told to watch our place. For forty years we've done our share We put our shoulders to the plough No more mortgage, no more care It's time for some enjoyment now. Kids are gone, we've scraped some savings We even get our pensions paid Shall we now indulge our cravings Spend this little pot we've made. A cottage would be great, but face it We haven't got enough my dear A brand new car, so Scamp can chase it Frivolous, I hear you sneer. We've talked at length, discussion's done Ambitious plans, and things beneath It's not a holiday in the sun It's hearing aids and brand new teeth.
My Body I don't like my ears, I hate my nose My weight, my face, my hair, my tum My voice, my hands, my knees, my toes But I quite admire my bum.
Greedy girl She ate a considerable eyeful A veritable tower of trifle Got cramps in her belly From all that red jelly Which the greedy girl struggled to stifle.
Ears It might cause ringing But let's face facts What is so lyrical About ears full of wax.
A Spectacle Eyes, the window to our soul But glasses let me see the hole into which I nearly fell Where's my specs, oh bloody hell!
Hurry Up! Dinner's on the table Frustration in that shout Be down in just a minute The turtle's head's popped out.
Loneliness human company unappreciated until we are lonely.
Seventy He made his appearance one Tuesday Supposedly child full of grace The lad had hung on for a day Because Monday is child fair of face. Born in the year 1950 To a mum who was very contented She swaddled her son in a bin bag Lucky boy, they had just been invented. The new I.P.A had been formed That's the thing for police not the beer Shirley Temple announced her retirement So it promised to be a good year. The Archers began in that year Uruguay had won the World Cup And what with the birth of young Tony Things were generally thought on the up. A new comic, The Eagle, was published For boys with its hero Dan Dare Billy Ocean had his first appearance But the going was tough to be fair. Billy Ocean competed with Tony A lad with an eye for the girls Tony talked money, had patter Poor Billy had only his curls. A bit of success with the ladies But his marriages didn't go right So sad for a working class hero Though try and deny this he might. At Bruche he was called Albert Wangford And delighted in taking the piss Gang of four with his three other buddies Was something he just could not miss. The one thing that makes Tony proud Is his entrepreneurial flair If one of his schemes ever makes it Then he'll be a millionaire. His book that would keep your new bike safe Another to help you to slim The cycle idea was a washout And the diet did not work for him. Now that he's managed to reach seventy We should all celebrate, you'll agree The best thing that's happened to Tony Meeting his partner, young Fi.
The Wreck Implants for mouth Aids to help hearing Feel like a car Relentlessly nearing End of its life Dear to maintain Cost more and more Money down drain Unlike the motor Can't trade me in Stuck with this body Pass me that gin.
Granddad Granddad is so old now His back has got a crick I think my Gramps was born When the Dead Sea first got sick.
The Abuser You have A way of saying sorry Which makes me feel Like it's my fault.
The daydreamer Here lies the body Of Emily Spode Distracted by life As she crossed the main road.
The Truth Back at the dentist again She says, "Can you handle the tooth?" "Please cut out the jokes, I'm in pain Give it me straight, what's the truth?" "Well, you need yet another extraction The tooth has to go, I'm afraid." "That's the fourth one this year," my reaction "Do you think it's of money I'm made?" "You're going to need something to chew on Unless you like soup in a cup I can make you some dentures to glue on Or get some posh implants knocked up." Well, teeth in a jar I don't fancy To be kept, just in case, by the door So call me a bit of a Nancy But the implants are what I went for. It costs though an arm and also a leg The answer's crowd funding I know If I do this then I won't need to beg I'll call the page gobbo for Hobbo.
The Widow when you promised till death us do part I never thought it would happen.
The surgeon She worked with precision And no supervision Until the collision As she made her incision Led to circumcision An unwanted division Result, her derision.
Rest in Peace Here lies the body Of Benjamin Doyle Whose nurse got mixed up When they said prick his boil. ...............ouch!
Not Me A talented sculptor, artistic With a lifestyle, described hedonistic Thin as a waif Assumed he was safe From Covid, is one more statistic.
Democracy More dead from Covid nineteen Than were killed in fourteen-eighteen Second World War, Vietnam And still this man don't give a damn. Democracy, well that's a joke The wishes of ordinary folk Discounted on merely a whim But not if you voted for him.
Roses Ring a ring o' roses Cover mouths and noses Hospital full, before the cull We're all locked down.
Girl Power Remember, remember, the fifth of November The U.K's in lock-down again To beat this disease, sack all the M.P's Put a woman in charge, with a brain.
Best holiday ever We should never have chosen off peak It was raining, the car sprang a leak David squashed granny's best hat Baby Alfie was sick on the cat. On the moors, dad ran over a ram An hour later, we're stuck in a jam We got there too late for the ferry Mum found the bar and got merry. We arrived there to find we'd left gran At the caff, with a man from Japan Our five star was under construct And all of the rooms double booked. The bathroom and toilet were dirty The waiters and waitresses shirty My purse and my handbag got nicked And our sightseeing coaches were bricked. The food gave young Lucy the trots And Christopher broke out in spots German measles, our french doctor said And confined him to ten days in bed. Paragliding, my mum sprained her back Sadly, dad had a mild heart attack We learned from a broker named Khalid Our insurance was no longer valid. Going home, despite begging and pleading Dad got a ticket for speeding When the copper told dad he could start Our tyres were as flat as a fart. Once home, track-traced for Covid 19 So then, yes you've guessed, quarantine And because we are now isolating This vacation gets zero star rating.
Locked Down On a planet that is unrecognisable A lock-down is becoming advisable Some follow the rules A few act like fools Whilst for others, the subject's divisible.
Affection You are the butter on my bread The salt upon my chips I'll love you till you're dead Despite your dodgy hips. And you're the sugar in my tea The cream upon my pie Though your undies smell of wee I will love you till I die.
Lockdown I want a circuit breaker I'm in a tier three town I'm up for anything That brings my leccy down. Leccy is slang for electricity or electricity bill
Farewell Rock on Tommy Funny faces Made us laugh With trademark braces. Comedy legend Missed by all Gone forever Bobby Ball.
What's Covid? Here lies the body Of Caroline Crump Coronavirus denier Who listened to Trump.
Diagnosis "Water on the brain," So the doctor said "Don't worry," she explained "A quick tap on the head."
The Black Dog You are the sunshine of my life You are, you really are Why does it keep raining then My little superstar?
Pandemic Is a pandemic Systemic Of too many Pans On the planet It can't Mean that Can it?
Vanishing Youth You are no longer in your youth So I'll remove that pesky tooth I know there's wisdom in it But we're going to have to bin it. Brace yourself for this injection I'll get rid of your infection And the toothache that was raging Is now a gap, first signs of ageing. Your mouth will start to droop But you can have a little soup Now, if you're feeling better Here's my bill and thank you letter.
Mrs Mopp Here lies the body Of Madeleine Mopp The sign wasn't 'Give Way' It was quite clearly 'Stop.'
Dear Diary Monday dentist, Tuesday doctor's (Socially apart) Wednesday have my hearing checked Thursday, specialist for my heart. Friday, get my toupee cleaned Saturday, food from shops Sunday, Covid lockdown And all my pleasure stops.
Depression I love my sons I love my wife I love my dog I love my life. Why is it then If I'm so blessed That once again I'm damn depressed. Get out of my mind...I hate you.
Eternity Eternal dark, eternal light No one can be certain If our eternal soul takes flight When life, closes it's curtain.
Insomnia House is asleep Apart from me I've counted sheep I've been for a pee. Sheets in a heap Partner snoring She is in deep God this is boring. It's just turned three Street's so quiet I'll make some tea And sod the diet. Tea did not work Gave me heartburn Feel such a berk Will I never learn? Read till I ache Just start to drift Shaken awake "You're on early shift."
Holiday I am not dead, I will not die And Covid won't beat me because When this is over, then I'll fly For six weeks holiday to Oz
The Flu Jab Oh, it's good to be alive I'm really quite excited At the age of sixty five For my flu jab, I'm invited. The nurse (Fat and gum-chewing) Drew a target on my bum Asked, "What do you think you're doing?" Replied, "It's social distance chum." My trembling arm she grabbed And joked,"Don't worry matey The last one that I stabbed I scored the max, one eighty." So, now I'm flu resistant I should be feeling cool But, Covid's more persistent And I'm nobody's fool.
Covid Often a target for bullies Not the handsomest kid in the shop But over the last month or so The teasing has come to a stop. Now, I can join in with the others "Why's that?" you might very well ask Well, it's thanks to the outbreak of Covid You see, I look great in a mask.
Warning Labels 'Smoking kills,' Sally read on the packet As she bent down to pick up her litter So engrossed, she did not hear the racket Of the thirty ton lorry that hit her.
Coronavirus Days In happier days To paraphrase Folk led a great existence Now they deep clean Covid 19 And keep their social distance.
My mum, and Covid My mum has turned ninety, so I cannot go And visit her care home, to just say "hello." I can sell my house,to a stranger it seems Or play golf in the park with the man of my dreams. If I go to the shops, I keep six feet apart But try telling that to the silly old fart Who blocks up the aisle whilst he's choosing his bread Move you old git, or I might end up dead. I can't see my mum, and that really hurts But we all have to act upon what the experts Say is the best way to beat this disease No, Mr Trump, don't blame the Chinese. Every Thursday night then, I'll go out and clap Our great N.H.S who deserve a backslap For all their hard work, and when it's all done I'll raise a glass of champagne, to my mum, ninety-one.
Growing Old The memory is shot Hands constantly shake Am I losing the plot? My joints always ache. I've lost most of my teeth And all of my hair What lies underneath That oft vacant stare? A distant daydream Of fond souvenirs Or deaf as I seem Just wax in my ears. It's not by design I accumulate ills. I've turned infantine On tablets and pills. Lotions and potions Towel and pad Even my motions Examined, how sad. And as for the sex Of those halcyon days I'll just get my specs And read what it says On this bottle I've got The writing's so small What a load of old rot Viagra cures all.