General Poems

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Paper
The world is using less paper
Most of my books are on Kindle
This must be a good thing, right
As all of our rain-forests dwindle.

I don't even use any cash now
I pay everything credit card
But how do I wipe my bum though
This laptop's too rigid, too hard.
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Mrs Mopp
Here lies the body
Of Madeleine Mopp
The sign wasn't 'Give Way'
It was quite clearly 'Stop.'
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Birds
I think it's a goose
But it could be a duck
I'll get out my bird book
And have a quick look.
...fuck!
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Owl
The commonest bird in Great Britain
Not sea bird, not game bird, not fowl
This bird's to be found in your kitchen
It's every day name, the Teat Owl.
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If
If wheels were square
Instead of round
Cars would be useless
For getting around

If schools were round
instead of square
There'd be no naughty corner
And no naughty chair.
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The Old Duke of York
The old Duke of York
Purchased a hawk
Although it could squawk
It just would not talk.

it was swapped for an auk
Born and raised in New York
But the bird was a mawk
And could not even walk.

With a sharp tomahawk
And a burned piece of cork
It had a mohawk
So the neighbours did gawk.

So, he then chose a stork
With a preference for pork
Which it ate with a fork
That old Duke of York.

What a dork!
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The Poet
I have realised, when I cark it
What will become of my blog
Who can I trust with my laptop
My buddy, my missus, my dog?

So, I'm now looking for an apprentice
To train 'ere I finally go
Otherwise you will wake up one morning
To no more little poems from Hobbo.
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Home
My cosy little home
A shelter from the storm
Wood burning on the stove
My tootsies nice and warm.
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Ponder
I pondered the meaning of life
Gave it some serious thought
The answer, the edge of a knife
Either beer, or then again, sport.

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Granddad
Granddad loved his dogs
He'd kept them all his life
So when he popped his clogs
He left one to his wife.

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Politicians
Bill and Ben, the flowerpot men
Talked rubbish, splobalop
When politicians do it then
Is it something they can't stop?
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Bella
It was love at first sight
But not with a feller
She squealed with delight
When she caught sight of Bella.

Puppy dog eyes
And waggly tail
Appeal maximised
These things never fail.
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Mary
Mary had a little lamb
She called it Wooly Willy
If she'd named it Aloysius
 That would have been plain silly.
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Inspiration
Oh, what a caper
A clean sheet of paper
I need inspiration
Shall I try medication?

Something ongoing
Would set juices flowing
Is this writer's curse
Or do I call it blank verse?
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Dear Diary
Monday dentist, Tuesday doctor's
(Socially apart)
Wednesday have my hearing checked
Thursday, specialist for my heart.

Friday, get my toupee cleaned
Saturday, food from shops
Sunday, Covid lockdown
And all my pleasure stops.
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Space
Imagine, if you can
Travelling at the speed of light
two hundred thousand mile per second
Per second, yes that's right.

Flying along at that speed
You could really superman it
In just one tiny second
You'd whizz eight times round our planet.

Planets in our solar system
Circle round our sun
Middle aged, our sun's a star
But a very average one.

Ten minutes it would take you
To reach the sun, our star
Zooming on at light speed
That's not so very far.

But then our nearest neighbour
Called Alpha Centauri
Would take another four years
Of whizzing through the sky.

The stars in our own galaxy
Lie in the milky way
Three hundred billion of them
(That's roughly, by the way.)

A hundred thousand light years
To cross the milky way
Then Andromeda, the next one
Two more billion years away.

There are a billion galaxies
Each with a billion stars
And we think we're great explorers
Because we've got to planet mars.

It makes me realise then
How small our humankind
The more I know about space
The more it blows my mind.

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Depression
I love my sons
I love my wife
I love my dog
I love my life.

Why is it then
If I'm so blessed
That once again
I'm damn depressed.

Get out of my mind...I hate you.
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Eternity
Eternal dark, eternal light
No one can be certain
If our eternal soul takes flight
When life, closes it's curtain.
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Leaves
If leaves fell up
Instead of down
When they turn yellow
Then go brown
The sky would soon
Be overcrowded
And leave our sun
Forever shrouded
Gravity though
Serves to attract
So things fall down
And that's a fact
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Water
Water, water everywhere
And not a drop to drink
I've fallen in the ship canal
And my,it don't half stink.
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Flowers
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why do geraniums
Smell like cat poo?
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Kids
I like kids, honestly
I went to school with some
But I couldn't eat a full one
I'd get a poorly tum.
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Donald
He's a perfect physical specimen
Says our great American president
Then off to Pennsylvania
Is there no end to this guys mania?
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Alcohol
Alcohol and me
Now that's a complex one
Makes me do some stupid things
But I've had a lot of fun.

The life and soul of parties
Singing karaoke
Remembering all the gags
That's me, Mr Jokey.

I've woken in some states
Nowhere near my best
I've been sick on the streets
And woken fully dressed.

Things I am ashamed of
Which, sober wouldn't do
But drink gave me the courage
To whisper,"I love you."

And you are everything
So tell me, in the end
Is drink one of my demons
Or a very fickle friend.
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Powerhouse
You'll be a Northern Powerhouse
They promised the North West
We're now the Covid Capital
Does that mean we're the best?
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Barney
On a day that was sunny
Barney, the bunny
Spent all of his money
On a large jar of honey
Which sent him all funny
And made his nose runny
With an ache in his tummy
So much so, that his mummy
Said, "I'm so sorry, sonny.
...I think you've caught covid."
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Van Halen
When I found out, I cried
The news was so shocking
Van Halen has died
I bet heaven is rocking.
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The worm
Sam ate a worm
Which made him squirm
But caught no germ
I can confirm
So, just short term.

...He won't do it again though.
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The hedgehog
The slugs and the snails
On my cabbages munch
But my baby hedgehog
Will have them for lunch.
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Graham Liver
Graham's show
On in the morning
Makes me laugh
And stops me yawning.

His surname's Liver
As in diver
Don't say liver
as in river.

...although he does know his onions.
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Trump
Was Donald genuinely ill
Or was it just a stunt?
We should accept face value, still
We know the man's a ****.
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Owain
Owain Evans makes me grin
With lilting, sing-song vowel
His quiffed hairdo, and perfect skin
More camp than Baden Powell.

He's very entertaining though
Attracting interest
Through sun and wind and rain and snow
And those suits are the best.

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Shorts
Downtown in Burnley the people wear shorts
Perhaps it's a Lancashire thing
Baring knees at the first sign of Summer
And airing them, through until Spring.

Calves that are shapely, knees that are knobbly
Legs that could win the Gold Cup
Braving arctic conditions, blowing a hooley
These things should be kept covered up.

In cold or in rain, folk put on their coats
Whilst waiting for sunnier skies
But even in wellies, they're still wearing shorts
Must be something they put in their pies.

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Happy Anniversary
Married now for fifty year
And I still think you're hot
So, love is in the air, my dear
When you say, "Yes. Why not?
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Insomnia
House is asleep
Apart from me
I've counted sheep
I've been for a pee.

Sheets in a heap
Partner snoring
She is in deep
God this is boring.

It's just turned three
Street's so quiet
I'll make some tea
And sod the diet.

Tea did not work
Gave me heartburn
Feel such a berk
Will I never learn?

Read till I ache
Just start to drift
Shaken awake
"You're on early shift."
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The rose
I stooped to smell
The pale pink rose
A big black fly
Flew up my nose|
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Brexit
It's our own fault
We chose to exit
Talks at a halt
A no-deal Brexit?
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Hair
My hair
Thrives everywhere
In my ears
Up my nose
Trim it off
Back it grows
Bushy eyebrows
Very scary
Why am I
So blooming hairy?
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Litter
The sight of so much litter
Has left me feeling bitter
Find a bin for that used mask
It's not a lot to ask.
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Bees
What do bees eat for their tea?
Cheese on toast like you and me
And what's really rather funny
Is how they turn it into honey.
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Holiday
I am not dead, I will not die
And Covid won't beat me because
When this is over, then I'll fly
For six weeks holiday to Oz
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The fox
Stealthily creeping
Sleek and sly
Brush tail sweeping
The fox glides by.
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Teeth
Today I said goodbye
To yet another tooth
I cannot tell a lie
It hurt, and that's the truth.

I have to go again
And face a day of reckoning
No more aches or pain though
My false teeth are beckoning.
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Commercials
A funeral plan, the ad man said
Is necessary, a must
To pay expenses when I'm dead
When dust returns to dust.

I listened well, did not dismiss
But what a paradox
When all; life's labours come to this
I've paid for my own box.
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The challenge

A beautiful woman named Claire
Sent her dad down a wire for a dare
Like Castor and Pollux
They trussed up his bollocks
The height of it gave him a scare.

He flew through the air like a plane
From Portugal right into Spain
She was clearly so proud
But he said to the crowd
"You won't get me on it again."

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Nonsense
Crazy Maisie, ticky tocky
Oops a daisy, Jabberwocky
Easy peasy, squishy squashy
Lemon squeezy, wishy washy

Steady Eddie, sweet as honey
Fiery Freddie, funny bunny
Buster Grimes and chilly Willy
Nonsense rhymes are just plain silly.
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Black lives matter

Black lives matter, our latest refrain
Praying this time, the phrase will remain
Until at last our mindset's been changed
Living in peace, no culture estranged.

Look at the States, so many have died
For trivial stuff, police homicide?
The many campaigns, like 'I can't breathe'
'Sandie speaks' and 'Taking the knee.'

Black lives matter, but if you adjoint
White lives, all lives, you're missing the point
Mikey Holding, the sports commentator
Eruditely explained what the campaign's for.

Hundreds of years racial exclusion
Frustration breeds, blacks need inclusion
No one's born bad, from parents our views
Neighbours and teachers, the six o'clock news.

What we need then, good education
Learn to be friends, no segregation
'Black lives matter,' really, I get it
Let's make changes, let's not forget it.
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The Zoo
"Zookeeper," he said
"I fear this won't do
"You've only one dog
And that's a shih tzu.

"That cannot be true
You're comments are crass
You see, we've got you
..A pain in the ass.

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The Flu Jab

Oh, it's good to be alive
I'm really quite excited
At the age of sixty five
For my flu jab, I'm invited.

The nurse (Fat and gum-chewing)
Drew a target on my bum
Asked, "What do you think you're doing?"
Replied, "It's social distance chum."

My trembling arm she grabbed
And joked,"Don't worry matey
The last one that I stabbed
I scored the max, one eighty."

So, now I'm flu resistant
I should be feeling cool
But, Covid's more persistent
And I'm nobody's fool.


Where did that rabbit get to?
Dauphin (a bash at a serious sonnet)
Dauphin, my black dog
An animal who's very wise
Twelve years old, the saddest eyes
Unspoken canine dialogue.
In puppy-hood, we'd often jog
With mate, long dead, 'neath sunny skies
Or river swim, three great allies
Then rest beside the old marsh bog.
They say that wisdom comes with age
We mellow as we yet grow old
And folly is a thing of youth.
What can he teach, this canine sage?
I dread the thought of him grown cold
Am I too late to learn his truth?
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My Hat Collection

Picking hats for my collection
My choice has been meticulous
I only wear them one at once
Or I would look ridiculous.
I'll start of with my baseball caps
I've collected five of these
Two were from sunny Australia
Where shade can hit forty degrees.

There's a cap from Canada's Bamf
Embroidered with proud Maple Leaf
Whilst one from our amis in France
Has the Eiffel Tower motif.
My golfing favourite was purchased
At the British Open event
Where Darren Clarke beat all the others
In sunshine, at Sandwich, in Kent.

So cheap is an old knotted hanky
It's one that I almost forgot
The sun can not get at my head
If it's cloudy, I fill it with snot.
A real Aussie bush hat from Perth
Is just the sartorial ticket
And a foldable one from Tasmania
Perfect for watching the cricket.

My fedora from M and S
I sport with an elegant style
And wearing my chequered flat cap
I look like the Duke of Argyle.
In winter the ear flaps come down
When cold snow and hail starts to fall
But my scary old balaclava
I find it the warmest of all.


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Covid
Often a target for bullies
Not the handsomest kid in the shop
But over the last month or so
The teasing has come to a stop.

Now, I can join in with the others
"Why's that?" you might very well ask
Well, it's thanks to the outbreak of Covid
You see, I look great in a mask.


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Warning Labels
'Smoking kills,' Sally read on the packet
As she bent down to pick up her litter
So engrossed, she did not hear the racket
Of the thirty ton lorry that hit her.

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Friends
Simon was famous on Facebook
Had hundreds of friends in his life
Yet no one he actually spoke to
No buddies, no girlfriend, no wife.

His success was repeated on Twitter
One million followers plus
But he came to a violent ending
Knocked down by the number nine bus.

The money he made from his adverts
Was left to his favourite quartet
And mum organised a huge funeral
For all of his friends on the net.

Though no one showed up, not a sausage
To see Simon the Superstar off
In reality, he was as popular
As a man with a bad Covid cough.

So, if you are an internet wizard
With a wit that's as sharp as a knife
Don't forget to engage with real people
Get up and get out, get a life.


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Cheers
The dozens of words and expressions
To describe what's a drunken condition
Makes me realise, being out of your tree
Is a time honoured human condition.

Drunk as a soldier, drunk as a sailor
Drunk as a Lord, drunk as a skunk
Drunk as a fiddler, drunk as a fart
Drunk as an owl, just plain drunk.

Intoxicated, inebriated
Bombed, bladdered, pissed
Smashed up, sewed up, tanked up
Flushed, tiddly, Brahms and Liszt.

Crapulous, maudlin
Out of it, befuddled
Raddled, addled, primed, screwed
Happy, merry, muddled.

Boozed, tight, tipsy
Obfuscated, fuzzy
Three sheets to the wind
Gaga, giggly, muzzy.

Search a synonym for sober though
The well is almost dry
A boring state to be in
So, "Cheers. Mud in your eye."


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The Trip
"You've been a really good boy
So here is what we'll do
You can have a brand new toy
Or, I'll take you to the zoo.

Johnny paused his keypad
Used to being admonished
This offer from his dad
Had left him quite astonished.

To Chester Zoo they travelled
Dad talked of birds and bees
Which left young Johnny baffled
"Can you explain it daddy please?"

"Watch the animals son
And the little things they do
When they are having fun
We humans do that too."

The young boy watched with care
He was always wide awake
The monkeys and a bear
A crocodile, a snake.

Creatures that were hairy
Some which made him laugh
The tigers, they were scary
And he loved the tall giraffe.

When the day was almost finished
Johnny knew what grown ups do
"Don't look much fun to me dad
Do I have to eat my poo?"


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Coronavirus Days
In happier days
To paraphrase
Folk led a great existence
Now they deep clean
Covid 19
And keep their social distance.



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My mum, and Covid
My mum has turned ninety, so I cannot go
And visit her care home, to just say "hello."
I can sell my house,to a stranger it seems
Or play golf in the park with the man of my dreams.

If I go to the shops, I keep six feet apart
But try telling that to the silly old fart
Who blocks up the aisle whilst he's choosing his bread
Move you old git, or I might end up dead.

I can't see my mum, and that really hurts
But we all have to act upon what the experts
Say is the best way to beat this disease
No, Mr Trump, don't blame the Chinese.

Every Thursday night then, I'll go out and clap
Our great N.H.S who deserve a backslap
For all their hard work, and when it's all done
I'll raise a glass of champagne, to my mum, ninety-one.


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Cross Family Butchers
At Cross family butchers,our food is nutritious
And all of our meat is simply delicious
Burgers or sausages, steaks or a joint
Give us a try, we won't disappoint.
And as for your barbies.what better idea
Than out deal of the day washed down with cold beer.


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Curry
"Chicken tikka sir?"
The waiter checked his jotter
"No, make mine a tarka.
I like a little 'otter."
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Mates
Two right good mates
Meet up in a pub
They have a great time 
And eat lots of grub.

They drink loads of beer
Then, needing a wee
They follow each other
It's normal, you see.

One says to the other
"This trough's a bit high."
"Mines longer," he said
"I'll give it a try."

Then he looks across
A girl's washing her hands
It's a sink, not a trough
Fast, he understands.

They've gone in the ladies
Instead of the gents
The lass does not laugh
Pays no complements.

Both so embarrassed 
The two stop mid-pee
Then zip up their trousers
And giggling, they flee.







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Growing Old

The memory is shot
Hands constantly shake
Am I losing the plot?
My joints always ache.
I've lost most of my teeth
And all of my hair
What lies underneath
That oft vacant stare?

A distant daydream
Of fond souvenirs
Or deaf as I seem
Just wax in my ears.
It's not by design
I accumulate ills.
I've turned infantine
On tablets and pills.

Lotions and potions
Towel and pad
Even my motions
Examined, how sad.  

And as for the sex
Of those halcyon days
I'll just get my specs
And read what it says
On this bottle I've got
The writing's so small
What a load of old rot
Viagra cures all.


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The Restaurant

"My sirloin is tough."

"This wine's a bit rough."

"It's busy, I know
But service is slow."

"My soup's almost cold."

"This bread's five days old."

"Toilets are dirty."

"That waiter is shirty."

"Has B.O moreover."

"Shush, he's coming over."

"Ladies!  Everything fine?"

"Yes thanks.  Some more wine!"