King Henry

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King Henry

He led a cruel and debauched life
many times in love, six times a wife,
now, I am told there was one woman more
who he quietly took for wife number four.
So, who's this mysterious trouble and strife,
this anonymous maid was known as mid-wife.

General theory of relativity

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General theory of relativity

The relative worth
of an uncle or aunt
is quickly worked out
from a theory, extant.

Directly proportional
to the love they invest
on their nieces and nephews;
it's an accurate test.

XXXL

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XXXL

A heavy lump
of elephant
was trying on a dress,
when family herd
heard dreaded words,
"Is my bum too big in this?

Matriarch
and patriarch,
responded,"Yes, I guess,"
but with thick skin
she took it in
and bought another dress.

The baby

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The baby

No wonder she's happy,
lying there in her nappy;
the pride of her mum
from her curls to her bum.

She'll giggle and coo,
that's what babies do
and if she dirties her diaper
well, mummy will wipe her.

Girl

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Girl

Little girl green
come blow your own trumpet;
your brother is mean
and your dad's chasing crumpet.

But where is your mum
to look after you kids,
she's found a new chum
and your life's on the skids.

Shopping

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Shopping

She's dragged me round each store
until my feet are sore,
shopping till we drop;
I'm knackered girl, please stop.
My legs are on the brink
of packing in, I think
I'd really love a break
before my arms, which ache
stretch any blooming longer
under all these bags, though stronger
men than I, would spot a little chink;
that cosy pub, I need a drink.

Next time, I'll go alone
all he does is moan;
we've only bought a bit
and he's giving me such shit.
When we go to B and Q
he has so much work to do
that he can spend all day
choosing toys with which to play.
One foot in M and S
and his head is in a mess;
"Can't you leave that on the shelf?"
No! Next time, I'll go myself.

Anyhow

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Anyhow


Borrowed a new book today
from the library down our way;
following closure for deep-clean,
the library, not the book I mean.

Anyhow, it’s open now
so, off I toddled to say ciao
to girl who works the children’s floor,
who’s French, but I can’t say bonjour.

Anyhow, a book she lent
me, full of poetry and meant
to sharpen up my mental powers,
relax me in my darkest hours.

Anyhow, the book did not;
abounding with pretentious rot,
no sense of rhythm, rhyme or meter,
bucketsful of pap, excreta.

Almost giving up, I find
a handful though that blow my mind,
imagery, so powerful
worth plaudits by the barrowful.

Others too that made me laugh;
one about a dwarf giraffe
falling for a stripey cow,
that’s my favourite, anyhow.

Noah

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Noah
In strolled the animals,
paw-by-paw, two-by-two,
a menagerie, a circus,
the first floating zoo,

With space at a premium,
it descended to farce;
denigrated thereafter
as Noah and his arse.

Self love

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Self love

The Hollywood actor
had spent
so long
up his own
arse
that he was
oblivious
to the shit
he was talking
and the arse
of himself
he was making.

The limit

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The limit

A turtle who hurtled
down the M62
was stopped by a cop
who said, listen mate you,
don't dare drive like hare
in my neck of the woods
or I'll jail you with snail
and the other snotty hoods.
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