Flowering beauties

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Flowering beauties

My woman Celia
has lovely Lobelia,
and Cass has a nice Pussy Willow,
but everyone knows
that the fragrant Red Rose
is the one that you want on your pillow.


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I am no longer svelte,
It's a bit of a riddle,
Why the ends of my belt
Will not meet in the middle!


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It is unbuttered toast,
vegetarian roast,
it's chips with no fish,
your least favourite dish.

Soccer, no goals,
golf without holes,
waterless swimming,
playing, not winning.

Life on your own,
children, all grown,
just family, no friends,
nights which don't end.

It is walks, full of tears,
it's facing your fears,
it is knitting with fog,
this is losing your dog.

Dauphy:  Well said, my friend!
Hobbo: Thanks, Dauphy.

A bit of a lump

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A bit of a lump

Little Hitler sat down at 'er desk,
Insisted I 'ad to explain,
So, red as the wrong coloured rose,
I did so in order to gain

Access to see me own doctor,
What took me best part of eight week,
So, by 'time it come round to a visit,
Well, stuff were beginning to leak!

I am finally inside of the surgery,
And 'missus is 'olding me 'and,
She 'ad to come with me for reasons,
You'll pretty much soon understand.

I've discovered a lump, I admitted
It's in an embarrassing place,
So, I thought it would need checking out,
As the magazines say, just in case.

My doctor's the female persuasion,
Protocol says, she needs chaperone,
I don't 'ave any objections,
So, she's straight away onto the phone.

A third woman knocks and then enters,
This started off bad, and gets worse,
Don't worry about me Sir, I'm trained,
And I am a registered nurse.

I jokingly say why not invite
All the receptionist staff.
None of them looked very busy,
Ask them all in, for a laugh!

My trousers reluctantly dropped,
And I'm asked, is that all you've got?
As I turn a deep shade of red,
She explains, she is meaning the spot.

She asks, looking up
From down on her knees,
How did you find this?
Oh, think doctor - please!

She proddles and pushes,
Turns it around,
It's hard looking cool
With your pants on the ground.

Finished, get dressed.
I'll just check me books.
Me and the missus
Exchange worried looks.

She shows me some photos,
Dicks by the dozen,
I swear on my life,
That's the spit of my cousin!

No need to worry,
It's not S.T.D,
Tha's a small fatty lump,
It's got no pedigree.

Wi' a ginormous smile
Spreading ovver me face,
Me and the missus
Dash back to our place.

Allahu Akbar

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Allahu Akbar

In the City of Love, barely six years ago,
Well over a hundred were slain,
But with so many atrocities since,
We needed reminding again.

How many thousands have died,
And how many more are to follow.
The depth of man's hatred of humans
Leaves me bemused, upset, hollow.

Then, lovingly gazing at you,
My heart fills with wonder and pride,
And I instantly know that it's true,
God is great, and on everyone's side.


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I'm off to sunny Anglesey,
To starry spangled Anglesey.
I'm going to angle in the sea,
And catch some fishes for my tea.

My worm, I'll dangle in the sea,
And hope my line stays tangle free,
When I go angling in the sea
In starry spangled Anglesey.

Holding Hands

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Holding Hands

My granny and granddad held hands,
I saw them at Bolton-le-Sands.
Like an amorous mister and miss,
He bent down and gave her a kiss.
They looked absolutely in love,
Then he gave her a bit of a shove.

And she tumbled, without any fuss,
Straight under the Lancaster bus,
Which granny had never heard coming,
For granddad was too busy humming,
The tune of a little refrain,
It was Vera Lynn's, 'We'll meet again.'

Car Parking

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Car Parking

The ticket may say non-transferable,
But the logic is incontrovertible,
If you rip us off, five quid an hour,
We will beat you with customer power!


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Twas on a Tuesday morning
The vicar came to call.
He said, "My child, I've noticed,
You don't go to church, at all."

"Well, the way I see it father,
He must be very busy,
Requests, shout-outs, and favours
Must leave him in a tizzy."

"I've considerately decided,
And it isn't on a whim,
If God himself leaves me alone,
Then I'll not bother Him."

"I'll try to help my neighbour,
And do the best I can,
But religion's not my forte,
I am just a kind old man."

The Hospice

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The Hospice

"Where is your neighbour?"
"Passed away, in the night."
"Bloody hell, that is awful!"
"Why, I'm alright."

"I got his sausage,
pinched from his plate."
"Sweet Jesus, dad,
he was your mate!"

"It was no use to him,
so why shouldn't I?"
Defiant, the look
left me wondering why

does it boil down to this?
We steal from the dead,
wait till they're gone
so that we can be fed.

Then it occurred,
that really he cared,
his bedside bravado,
meant he was scared.

The following morning,
my father had passed.
Who'd got his sausage,
I reflected, downcast.
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