Great Women

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Great Women

Behind every great man
Lie many long years of misogyny,
And any great woman
Will not be defined by her progeny.

Making ends meet

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Making ends meet

With money as tight as her trousers
She'd to wed a succession of spouses
To keep wolf from the door
But still wound up poor
 Cleaning toilets in other folk's houses.

Vinny the vampire

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Vinny the vampire

Vinny the vampire
Suffered a van fire
Collecting his quota of blood.
It caused such a long queue
On the M62
That his name all day long was just mud.

Secret recipe

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Secret recipe

Remembering to make mum's sauce squeezier,
Huge sales made her life so much easier.
A fortune amassed
But that didn't last
The day she developed amnesia.

Homo sapiens

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Homo sapiens

Claiming our Gods,
yet acting like God,
we treat our whole world with contempt.
Gifted with brains
to break free our chains,
one would think we would try to attempt

to cherish our planet,
much sooner than it
fall prey to our greedy endeavour.
Respecting the worth
of unique Mother Earth
is survival; it's not even clever.

House Hunting

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House Hunting

The advert says a lovely view.
Could you please show me where?
I gladly will, young man if you
Could kindly grab that chair.

That's it, climb up, no not the seat,
The back sir, if you will,
Then carefully please place your feet
One there, one on the sill.

Now close one eye, no, just the one
And squint a bit, like me.
Look out that way, five hundred yards,
You'll almost glimpse the sea.

cold

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cold

your world goes to pot
and it makes you feel old
when your head's full of snot
and you're lost in a cold

Lonely hearts ad

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Lonely hearts ad

Old man - slightly obsessive
Seeks other half - spotlessly clean
Age or good looks not a factor
But ideally responds to 'Hi, Jean.'

A quiet meal

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A quiet meal

It began when my starter, the fish
left a bone in my throat but no wish
and as we moved on to the main
I was in some considerable pain.

Having trouble with something called breathing
which set my poor girlfriend to screaming,
'Please, is there a doc in the place
he's turning quite blue in the face.'

Then a lavatory cleaner named Madge,
laying claim to advanced first-aid badge
offered to help render service,
though the beer on her breath made me nervous.

My girlfriend yelled, 'Quick please begin,
he's not paid yet, you must save his skin,'
but instead of the Heimlich manoeuvre,
she brandished the hose of a hoover,

stuck the pointy end right past my tonsils,
turned the suction to maximum until
the bone popped out, stopping the pain
and yes, I was breathing again.

The waiter played light the ordeal,
'Please enjoy sir the rest of your meal.'
I'm finished though, no more high-rolling,
next time, we are off tenpin bowling.

Hunger Pangs

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Hunger Pangs

Lizzie Dripping, skinny-dipping
In the great north sea,
Met a shark, who spied a snack
Of ten-fish-fingered tea.
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