The Big Clean

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The Big Clean

Out with the scrunchy, crunchy crisppacketry,
Half finished cartons, of takeaway racketry,
Car parking tickets, which spill from the pockets.
What's this under here? Oh, look it's a sock, it's
The one from last week, when carried away,
You just couldn't wait for a roll in the hay.

The stinky old ashtrays, they're getting emptied,
Into the bin bag. You know I am tempted,
To make it smoke free, and to ban any food.
This once a year clean up, puts me in a mood.
Wet wipes and dog wipes and arse wipe in rolls,
Sticky suck sweeties, and cloths full of holes.

Out of date maps, with half the roads missing,
And look, I've discovered the cause of that hissing,
A half finished bottle, now flat as a fart.
Gone mouldy from Aldi, an unwanted tart.
Now, move with the hoover, suck up all the crap,
And when this car's spotless, I'm having a nap.

A free trip

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A free trip

The inaugural use
Of my bus pass today,
Just needed to choose,
Had nothing to pay.

Bury market return,
With bus wheels a thudding,
Only two hours to burn
For a piece of black pudding.

Veterinary Advice

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Veterinary Advice

To cool a koala,
Give it ice cubes.
To tame a tough tiger,
Tickle its boobs.

Sweet Dreams

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Sweet Dreams

Good night, night-night,
Mind those bed bugs don't bite.
Little darling, sleep tight.
Creeps down, turns off light.

Bed bugs that bite!
Eyes wide in fright,
Imagines a sprite,
Huge teeth, yellow-white.

In the gloomy twilight,
His fear at it's height,
Scared stiff, sits upright,
And screams out, forthright.

His mother, contrite,
Explains that bedbugs don't bite
And the calmed little mite,
Gets a teddy. Delight!

Hozzy

Dauphy: You’re late today buddy!

Hobbo: Been to the hospital.

Dauphy: Nothing serious?

Hobbo: No, not at all. It’s just that tremor in my hands, they’re trying to improve it.

Dauphy: That’s good. Get on with it then. Your readers are waiting!…..

Folly

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Folly

Standing atop of a hill,
Moody, magnificent, still.
Outsize penis, erect, with a view,
Boast, I can piss further than you.
These phallic symbols immense,
Speak of more money than sense.

Folly: A building in the UK with no actual purpose other than to demonstrate wealth. Usually stone built, phallic shaped and situated on top of a hill.

Packed Lunch

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Packed Lunch

A secretary, peripatetic,
Brought lunch in a snack box, hermetic.
When she cracked an egg's shell,
The sulphurous smell
Worked swifter than any emetic.

Electioneering

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 Electioneering 

Every single 
Candidate 
Has promised 
To clean the streets, 
Eradicate dog shit, 
Employ more police 
and 
Spend my money wisely. 

The first one 
To stop bullshitting, 
Tell the truth 
And not treat me 
Like a child, 
Will get my vote. 

A Nappy Event

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A Nappy Event

The woman was pregnant, she reckoned,
When the ultrasound spotted a second,
A third, fourth and fifth,
Then even a sixth,
"Congrats," said the nurse, "You are fecund!"

Golden Years

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Golden Years

Now I've gotten hairier,
I'm not a kid, instead,
These days, a soft play area
Is what goes on, in bed.
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