Songs

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The early hours
(with apologies to Faron Young)

It's two in the morning
You woke me up snoring,
I'll get out of bed for a pee.
Now it's three in the morning
And you're bloody yawning,
I'm lying here full of ennui.
Got to four in the morning
This is your last warning,
I'm in need of some sleep, can't you see.
Then at five in the morning
The skin you were born in,
Has woken up randy old me.
I was just getting started
You rolled over, farted,
My ardour decided to flee.
So, at six in the morning
With jim-jams adorning,
I've brewed up a fresh pot of tea.
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Vaccination Song
(Jabbing by Bob Marley and Hobbo)

Ooh!  Ouch!  Careful!

Careful!

We're jabbin'
I wanna jab it, do you?
We're jabbin',jabbin',
And I hope you get jabbin' too.

We're jabbin'
To think that jabbin' was for flu in the past
We're jabbin'
And I hope this jab is gonna last.

We're jabbin'
Jabbin'
Jabbin'
Jabbin'
Jabbin'

Now we're jabbin' to protect NHS
We're jabbin'
Jabbin'
Jabbin'
Jabbin'
Now we're jabbin' our way outta this mess.

Ouch, yeah!

We're jabbin'
I wanna jab it, do you?
We're jabbin', jabbin'
And I hope you get jabbin' too.

Jab's about safety, a truth I cannot hide
To keep you safe outside
Health that now exist, respect I can't resist,
Jab in my arm, ouch, yea-ea-yeah!

We're jabbin'
I wanna jab it, do you?
We're jabbin', jabbin'
And I hope you get jabbin' too.

We're jabbin'
To think that jabbin' was for flu in the past
We're jabbin'
And I hope this jab is gonna last.

We're jabbin'
Jabbin'
Jabbin'
Jabbin'

Now we're jabbin' to protect NHS
We're jabbin
Jabbin'
Jabbin'
Jabbin.
Now we're jabbin' our way outta this mess.

Ouch, yeah!

We're jabbin'
I wanna jab it, do you?
We're jabbin', jabbin'
And I hope you get jabbin' too.

We're jabbin'
Jabbin'
Jabbin'
Jabbin'
I wanna jab it, do you?
We're jabbin', jabbin'
And I hope you get jabbin' too.

We're jabbin'
We're jabbin'
We're jabbin'
We're jabbin'
Ouch, yeah!
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A little beer in the fridge
(A little help from my friends Lennon/McCartney)

A little beer in the fridge.
My wife has left me, for a man on the sea,
And left me alone with the kids.
I tried to sell,May for a snip on eBay,
But I just couldn't get any bids.
I get by with a little beer in the fridge,
I get high with a little beer in the fridge.

What can I do now my wife is away,
Can I play out all night, not go home?
How will it look if she's gone off for good,
Could I cope all the time on my own?
I'll get by with a little beer in the fridge.
I get high with a little beer in my fridge.

Should I feed anybody?
I need some food for the sprogs.
Should I please anybody?
I've plenty in for the dogs.
Why she left me, when she looks such a fright
That sailor must be out of his mind.
Wait till he sees what she's like in daylight,
She'll be back here in double quick time.

Should I feed anybody?
I need some food for the sprogs.
Should I please anybody?
I've plenty in for the dogs.
I'll get by with a little beer in my fridge.
I'll get by with a little beer in my fridge.
A little beer in my fridge.
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Acute Angina

Nothing could be finer,
Than my mans acute angina,
In the morning.

Nothing could be sweeter,
Than to see him thump his meter,
Whilst still yawning.

Nothing could be slicker,
Than to stop his dodgy ticker,
With no warning.

Nothing could be quainter,
Than to go with that new painter,
He's been scorning.

Nothing could be nicer,
Than to know I'll cash the ISA,
Then go mourning.

ISA: Pronounced Icer, a UK savings plan.
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Tie the Covid 19 down

We've got Covid 19, sport
We've got Covid 19
We've got Covid 19, sport
We've got Covid 19.

It's worse than any world war, sport
It's worse than any world war
It's worse than any world war, sport
Worse than any world war.

We've been put in tier four, sport
We've been put in tier four
We've been put in tier four, sport
We've been put in tier four.

We're gonna get a vaccine, sport
We're gonna get a vaccine
We're gonna get a vaccine sport
We're gonna get a vaccine.

So the virus is stuffed, sport
So the virus is stuffed
So the virus is stuffed, sport
So the virus is stuffed.

Then we will go on the beer, sport
Then we will go on the beer
Then we will go on the beer, sport
Then we will go on the beer.

Here's to twenty two one, sport
Here's to twenty two one
Here's to twenty two one sport
Here's to twenty two one.

Here's two fingers to you, Covid
Here's two fingers to you
Here's two fingers to you, Covid
Here's two fingers to you.

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Tha'll need some PPE

Tha's off to China for thee hols
Tha'll need some PPE
Tha's off to China for thee hols

Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE

Tha's gonna need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE
Tha's gonna need some PPE

Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE

Tha's gone and caught this dreaded bug
Tha'll need some PPE
Tha's gone and caught this dreaded bug

Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE

So they've put thee in quarantine
Tha'll need some PPE
So they've put thee in quarantine

Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE

We're all confined to tier three
Tha'll need some PPE
We're all confined to tier three

Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE

But there's a vaccine on its way
Tha'll need some PPE
But there's a vaccine on its way

Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE
Tha'll need some PPE

Tha's forty one, tha's far too young
Tha'll still need PPE
Tha's forty one, Tha's far too young

Tha'll still need PPE
Tha'll still need PPE
Tha'll still need PPE


Tha'll:  You will (pronounced tharll)
Tha's:  You are (pronounced thars)
Thee:  You

Hobbo: This song can be sung to Yorkshire’s own ‘National Anthem’, ‘On Ilkla’ moor b’aht’at.

Dauphy: What the heck does that mean?

Hobbo: Sorry Dauphy, forgot that you’re French. It means on ‘Ilkley Moor without a hat’. Here’s a video for those who don’t speak Tyke (Yorkshire).

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Tiers
(To Tears, a song by the late, great Ken Dodd)

Tiers for covid fears are what you gave me
Memories of a promise never kept
You led me to believe lockdown's the answer
After all these lonely hours I've wept (with no one).

Tiers are my reward for isolation
But tiers can't mend my mental health, I must confess
Let's forgive our peers uptown
Turn our tiers of lockdown
Once more to tears of happiness.

Tiers are my reward for isolation
But tiers can't mend my mental health, I must confess
Let's forgive our peers uptown
Turn our tiers of lockdown
Once more to tears of happiness.

Let's forgive our peers uptown
Turn our tiers of lockdown
Once more to tears of happiness.
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Things that I hate
(To Favourite Things by Rodgers and Hammerstein)

People who litter, and yobbos who spit
Owners who thoughtlessly leave their dog's shit
Wet windy weather and trains running late
These are a few of the things that I hate.

The devious ways that the con man will scam
Reality stars who do not give a damn
Guys who know better but discriminate
These are a few of the things that I hate.

Telephone calls where you don't get to speak
Early hour visits to go for a leak
Food in the fridge that's beyond sell by date
These are a few of the things that I hate.

When the sun shines
When the birds sing
When I'm feeling glad
I simply remember the things that I hate
And then I get really mad.
(Repeat)
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Little ol' beer drinker
 (To little ol' wine drinker, Dean Martin)
I'm praying for rain in sunny Shropshire
So the hops can swell and they can brew more beer
And I'm standing in a chippy here in Bradford
With a thumping head and a ringing in my ear.

I ask the man behind the counter for an aspirin
And he answers as he serves me pie and peas
This is a chip shop not a bloody chemists
I say, "Little ol' beer drinker me."

I came here last week from up in Grimsby
Cos my baby left for Clacton by the sea
When they ask, "Who's the man who's got a cob on?"
I say,"Little ol' beer drinker me."

I ask the man behind the counter for an aspirin
And he answers as he serves me pie and peas
"This is a chip shop, not a bloody chemists"
I say,"Little ol' beer drinker me."

I say,"Little ol' beer drinker me."
Little ol' beer drinker me.

Cob...Northern slang for sulking
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The way we were (to Bohemian Rhapsody by Freddie Mercury)

I've had a real life
Not tried no ecstasy
Stuck to the Tetley's
My escape from reality
Tell you no lies
Look back on my life and see
Council estate boy, I got no sympathy
Because my friends would come, friends would go
Bullied high, bullied low
Anyway I must grow,teachers turned a blind eye
To me, to me.

Mama, she tried her best
Escaped whilst I still could
Got a woman, did me good
Mama, I invented love
But now old age just took it all away
Mama, aahhh
It sure makes me want to cry
The things I've lost, I won't get back tomorrow
It's all gone, it's all gone
Like the rain that pitter patters.

Too late, the way we were
Young people loads of time
Bodies searching perfect rhyme
Two a.m everybody, I've got to go
Gotta get up from my bed and take a pee
Mama, aahhh (any way the splash flows)
I don't want to age
I sometimes wish I'd never done anything dumb.

I see a little nervous shadow of myself
Too much beer, too much wine, banging all night on the banjo
Boddington's and curry, always in a hurry, me
Way we were oh, way we were oh
Way we were oh, way we were oh
Way we were has got to go, oh no, oh no.

I'm just an old man, and nobody sees me
He's just an old man, last in the family
His Alzheimer's could be senility.

Youth'll cry, youth'll sigh, let the old man die
No way mate! No we will not let him die. Let him die
No way mate. We will not let you die. Let him die
No way mate! We will not let him die. Let him die
Will not let him die. Let him die (never)
Never, never, never, never, never let him die
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why
Oh God in heaven, God in heaven, God in heaven let me die
In Wetherspoons has the barmaid raised a glass
To me
To me

So you think you will not lose that glint in your eye
So you think you can stay young and you'll never die
Oh baby, it's impossible baby
You're gonna grow old,  you're gonna grow old before long
Aahh yeah, aahhh yeah.

Does life really matter
Are we all born free
Does life really matter
Yes life really matters, to me.

Anyway the mind goes.





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The Gang of Four (sung to when I'm 64 by Lennon-McCartney)

In the old days when Mac still had hair
Thirty years ago
District Training Centre, four young men in their prime
Worked very hard, and had a good time.

Instructor's bar till clock had turned three
Better lock your door
We'll steal your drink, or piss in your sink
We're the Gang of Four.

We are older now
So if you want to know
I will tell you how...

Mac's in the kitchen, he is the cook
Curries, pies and bread
Edmo's still working, feeding the fam'ly
Hope he stops before he is dead!

Tony is gardening, planting his veg
Fi, his new amour
Like a good laugh, still have a giraffe
Cos we're the Gang of Four.

Often we will travel
Out to Liverpool, and have a slap up meal
It's a real good craic
Hobbo, shaking like a shiting dog
Edmo, Tony, Mac.

Like a good laugh, still have a giraffe
Cos we're the Gang of Four.



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Staying (sung to Sailing by Rod Stewart)
I am staying, I am staying
Home again, who could foresee?
I am staying, in my own home
To protect you, is the key.

I am bored now, I am bored now
All to help our N.H.S
I am bored now, does not matter
To protect you, is the key.

Can you hear me? Can you hear me?
Thursday nights I thank you all
All the carers, all the sharers
Thursday nights I thank you all.

We are staying, we are staying
Home again, who could foresee?
We are staying, in our own homes
To protect you, is the key.
Oh Lord, to protect you, soon be free
Oh Lord, to protect you, soon be free
Oh Lord...



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Johnny Mac (sung to when I'm 64 by Lennon-McCartney)

In Billinge town there is a nice man with a baldy head
He is the cheekiest old bugger that we know
And all the people that come and go
Stop and say hello.

In his hall he has a Saints scarf which he just adores
The Wigan warriors laugh at him behind his back
But this is our Johnny Mac
And he doesn't care, very strange.
Johnny Mac is in our hearts and in our eyes
Here beneath the Covid 19 skies
We sit, and meanwhile...

Back in Billinge, his three daughters, and the lovely Chris
Kids photos by the hundred on his phone
He's not a man who likes to be alone
He is not alone.
Johnny Mac is in our hearts and in our eyes
Rather have his curries than his pies
For dinner, meanwhile back...

The bar is open in the garden of his lovely home
The pretty Chris is serving brandies on a tray
Gang of Four would love to come and play
But not today.

In his house, he is searching on the internet
He is planning yet another holiday
But then Boris rushes in
And says, "Not today," very strange.
Johnny Mac is in our hearts and in our eyes
Here beneath the Covid 19 skies
We sit, and meanwhile...

Johnny Mac is in our eyes and in our hearts
Dirty jokes and sneaky little farts
Johnny Mac.

Happy 70th birthday john McDonnell !
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