The worst voice in Yorksher

The worst voice in Yorksher

This is a tale about Hobbo, 
As related by Dauphy his pet,
Please don't tell him that I told you
Or he'll have me straight round to the vets.

It 'appened when he were a schoolboy
So, we're talking of fifty plus years,
Folk lived in black and white houses
And nob'dy 'ad heard of craft beers.

Hobbo were still in short trousers,
He can't 'ave been more nor sixteen,
People 'ung on to their clobber,
When you're brassic, it pays to be mean.

Our story takes place in the classroom,
With a teacher too fond of a clip
Round the lug'oles for unruly pupils
And a great 'airy wart on her lip.

A musical test instigated
To see who could sing and who c'un't,
She'd taken a dislike to Hobbo
And he guessed it were nowt but a stunt.

She plonked out some notes on 'pianner,
Said,sing one above, then one down,
Marks out of ten were awarded
And she turned Hobbo's world upside down.

Most of the class got an average
Score around about six,
With our 'ero given a zero
He knew the 'ole thing were a fix.

Tha's got the worst voice in Yorksher
She telled him in front of the class,
Who's laughter drownded him muttering
And tha's just an ugly, fat lass.

For three lengthy months they all practised
Their songs for an upcoming show,
All of 'em with the exception
Of embarrassed 'ero, Hobbo.

Whilst his schoolmates perfected their singing
'Armonising and chiming,
Not so, our tone deaf companion,
Because he were restricted to miming.

Teacher encouraged the others
To mock till they bust into stitches
A bully, an 'orrible lady,
As Hobbo says, one of lifes bitches.

Oh yes, it's a funny old story,
Which in this day, would not be allowed
To happen, it's discrimination
Making people stand out from the crowd.

If Hobbo were telling his version,
He'd say, it were all a big hoot,
And his confidence wasn't affected,
Debatable, that point is moot.

Whatever became of the teacher,
Hobbo claims he doesn't care tuppence
But that woman upset my old pal,
And I 'ope that she got her comeuppance.

Scary Mary

Photo by Keira Burton on
Scary Mary

Scary boys, though scary,
were not so bad as Mary,
the girl in our class,
who always played the ass
at secondary school,
the queen of all misrule.

She did as she wanted,
never got taunted,
till a boy thought he might
stand up for his rights,
so, she gave him a hiding,
left his ear in a siding.

Even our teacher
found nothing could reach her,
she was left on the shelf,
a law to herself.
What would become
of our troublesome chum?

I looked in her eye
today, sweet as pie.
she begged me for change.
I thought how sad, how strange,
drugs don't make you scary,
but lonely and wary.


Photo by Brett Sayles on

Here lies the body
Of little Big Ears
Murdered by Noddy
And bullied for years.

I’m pleased with this. It popped into my head yesterday and gave me a good chuckle, until I started thinking of the darker imagery behind it.


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