Altered Images

Dauphy: I like the new layout.

Hobbo: It’s okay to a point.

Dauphy: What’s up.

Hobbo: I like the new colour scheme, but I was hoping that I could swap the paintings on the home page for dog photos.

Dauphy: But you don’t know how to do that. Do you?

Hobbo: Not a scooby!

Dauphy: You know what they say, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

Hobbo: Too late now…

Tykes Talking

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com
Tykes Talking

Gerrit canyer?
Weir?
Sin tin.
Tint.
Tis.
Tin tin tin.
Tis!
Tint!
Tis, sithee.
Reet.
Clart he'ud!

Dauphy: What the heck is this?

Hobbo: It’s two Tykes talking.

Dauphy: Tykes?

Hobbo: Yorkshiremen or women.

Dauphy: In what language? Martian?

Hobbo: English!

Dauphy: Well it’s not any English I know!

Hobbo: It’s Yorkshire dialect. Do you want a translation?

Dauphy: I think you’d better. If I don’t understand it, the readers won’t have a Scooby Doo!

Hobbo: You’d be surprised.

Dauphy: Pfft!

Yorkshiremen Talking

Would you kindly get that for me, young man?
Where is it?
It is in the tin. (usually a biscuit tin)
It is not.
It is.
It is not in the tin.
It is. I assure you!
And I assure you, it isn't!
It is. Look it's here.
Ah. Right. I see where you mean now.
Cloth head! (stupid idiot!)

Let’s twist again

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

Hobbo: This one started life as a six word story, but once I started playing around with the words, I couldn’t resist turning it into a tricky tongue twister.

Dauphy: Tricky for me anyway!

Let's twist again

Surely
surly Shirley's
sorely sorry
smelly Shelly's
shameless
Sunday sherries
should've
somehow
simply soured!

Affects less than 1 in 100

Photo by Julie Viken on Pexels.com
Affects less than 1 in 100

Eye pain or rainbow vision!
Intermittent, blurring vision!

Yellow eyes or yellow skin!
Constipation! Vomiting!

Drowsiness and sleepiness!
Dizzyness or shakiness!

Trouble with my flexion!
Problems with erection!

Weight loss! Weight gain!
Blocked nose and bladder pain!

Difficulties sleeping!
Changes in my speaking!

Hair loss! Milk loss!
Telling folk to get lost!

Tinnitus! Convulsions!
Rashes or confusion!

Numbness! Tingling!
Fear of social mingling!

Sensitive to sunlight!
Wet bed! Is that right?

Such a wide variety
Has brought on my anxiety!

Prescribed me by my doc
These pills leave me in shock!

Dauphy: Victor Meldrew would have loved this one!

Hobbo: I know. Look at all these possible side effects. It’s ridiculous!

Dauphy: But it says, may affect 1 in 100, and you are one in a million!

Hobbo: Aww, thanks Dauphy, so are you! Have a biscuit.

Dauphy: Don’t mind if I do…

Dauphy saves the day!

This is in response to a couple of requests. One was from Chelsea in the US of A, for more tall tales, and the other from Ingrid in Slovenia, for more Yorkshire stuff. Hope you enjoy it. We are more than happy to do other requests!

Dauphy saves the day!

Our Queen, is a popular lady
Who lives, in a glamorous 'ouse
But, before she become rich an' famous
Poor girl were as shy as a mouse.

Mam sent 'er to stay up in Yorksher
Where there's loads of sound people to meet
And English is spoke like it should be
So, 'princess could learn to talk reet.

Tha' might think, am pulling tha' leg like
But am telling thee, this as a fact
Yes, I know now, she gen'lly talks posh
For the public, but that's all an act.

Moving on now, she's stuck in t'old palace
Locked down, at Buck House, in tier ten
The jigsaws had got a tad tedious
And they'd run out of bog roll,again.

So, 'butler were sent for provisions
T'instructions, precise and specific
Get 'soft stuff, not crappy old Izal
What slides round yer bum, it's horrific.

This, being the middle of Winter
T'old butler pulled on 'is warm wellies
And as he were passing 'er windder
She shouted out, get me some smellies.

It were at the main gate he 'it 'problem
The lock were froze solid, wun't shift
Butler scratched 'ead, stood there ditherin'
Cos he new Liz'd give 'im short shrift.

Luckily, passing that day
Were Hobbo and Dauphy, out walking
'Ow can I 'elp thee, asked Dauphy
'Pon my life! Is that Yorksher yer talkin'?

I can't budge yon gate, moaned the butler
'Lock on it's solid, it's froze
I've got an idea said Dauphy
Which I'll tell thee, in rhyme not in prose.

See, as look for some grass around 'ere pal
Well, a' mun as well search for a ghost
And the council are such flippin' cheapskates
That I've given up 'ope of a post.

Consequently, I am a bustin'
And it's too short to tie in a knot
If I pee on yon lock, I've a notion
Our problems are solved, like as not.

'Butler took up the suggestion
So that man and beast both had relief
'Servant went off, and did 'shopping
Brought pies back, two pork and one beef.

'Course the Queen, she were ovver the moon
She'd 'ad to be wipin' wi' Times
'Mail might 'ave been more appropriate
But 'Queen wiped wi' this, cos it rhymes.

Hobbo love, this dog's an 'ero
That Dauphy's looked after us right
Next time it's me birthday, I'll dub thee
In other words,make thee a knight.

Dauphy...Canine British Empire
E'en corgis don't get C.B.E
Dauphy, a little ungrateful
Says, Queen love, it's near time for tea.

So everyone 'ad a reet slap up
Dauphy 'ad well earned 'is snooze
'Butler cracked gin bottle open
Sir Hobbo and 'Queen went on 'booze.




reet; right
tha'; you, your
Izal; a shiny brand of toilet paper
windder; window
wun't; wouldn't
smellies; perfumed products
a' mun:  I might

Dauphy’s Poetry Masterclass

Dauphy: That stuff we write…

Hobbo: What about it?

Dauphy: We don’t always follow the rules, do we?

Hobbo: It doesn’t matter. As long as we are making people laugh.

Dauphy: I was hoping you’d say that.

Hobbo: Why?

Dauphy: I’ve written another.

Hobbo: Let’s hear it then.

Dauphy: You’ll type it up?

Hobbo: Don’t I always?…

Poetry Masterclass (by Dauphy)

I don't give a Nelly 
for a villanelle
or a bonnet
for a fourteen line sonnet.
I'd rather watch bonanza
than struggle with a stanza.
A soliloquy
seems silly to me.
My nemesis
could be mimesis.
If I have a cold
then I might say ode.
I'd never take a stance
on dissonance or assonance.
When I do meet up with Koo
I'll say howdy, not haiku.
I wouldn't give a meg
about a mixed up meter.
You can't lick a lyric
for good alliteration
and a well penned limerick
can bring joy to a nation.
So, epic or ballad
stick those syllabic rules.
Me and  my mate Hobbo
are merely comic fools.


Prime Minister Material

Photo by samer daboul on Pexels.com
Prime Minister Material

Bumbling Boris bungles Britain's biggest battle.

Dauphy: I like that Hobbo. I’ve been keeping an eye on America for you, like you asked?

Hobbo: And?

Dauphy: Well that Trump’s a greedy so and so!

Hobbo: What makes you say that?

Dauphy: Boats! What’s he want nearly twelve thousand boats for?

Hobbo: I think you’ll find that’s votes Dauphy, not boats.

Dauphy: Well who’s this Georgia woman anyway?

Hobbo: Here Dauphy, borrow these…

Hobbo leans down and passes Dauphy his old hearing aids. Dauphy puts them in.

Dauphy: Thanks. I can see much better now!

My Bezzie (by Dauphy)

My Bezzie (by Dauphy)

Bella,
beautiful girl.
My best pal.
We chased squirrels
We chased cats
We chased each other.
Why
did you have to
tear your pad?
Why
wouldn't it heal?
Why
did you leave me?
I miss you
so much!
Hobbo does too
but not
in the same fun loving
stick carrying
butt sniffing
unconditional way
that only a dog
will ever
truly
understand.
Goodbye Bella
save me a place 
in doggy heaven.

Happy Birthday

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

Hobbo: Mrs Hobbo’s birthday today Dauphy.

Dauphy: I know, she told me.

Hobbo: Do you know how old she is?

Dauphy: Twenty One.

Hobbo: Pfft.

Dauphy: She is twenty one, she said so.

Hobbo: Listen to this Dauphy. It will give you a clue how old she really is.

Dauphy: I’ve got it! Beatles. Fab four. She’s four!

Hobbo: Now you’re being silly.

Dauphy: Anyway, I’ve bought her a pressie.

Hobbo: What have you got her?

Dauphy: A giant box of Bonios!

Hobbo: She won’t eat Bonios. She’ll give you them back.

Dauphy: Still think I’m silly?

Little Miss Muffet

Hobbo: You look a bit tired mate.

Dauphy: I’ve been up all night writing a poem.

Hobbo: What’s it about?

Dauphy: Those special days that you sometimes post.

Hobbo: Let’s hear it then.

Little Miss Muffet (by Dauphy)

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her buffet
Eating her pie and peas
Too hot for her knees
They fell on the floor
And little Miss Muffet
Said,"Stuff it."

Dauphy: What do you think?

Hobbo: Er…

Dauphy: You don’t like it. Do you?

Hobbo: It’s not that. It’s not National Buffet day today, it’s National Buffet day.

Dauphy: Buffet as in loads of food gets dropped on the floor for me to eat?

Hobbo: That’s the one.

Dauphy: Now you tell me! It took ages to write that.

Hobbo: I suppose she could have gotten her pie and peas from the buffet?

Dauphy. Brilliant! That’s what I meant all along. We make a great team don’t we?

%d bloggers like this: