Hobbo's Poems
A quirky look at life from a Yorkshire poet and his dog's perspective
Altered Images
Posted on 15th Jan 2021
Dauphy: I like the new layout.
Hobbo: It’s okay to a point.
Dauphy: What’s up.
Hobbo: I like the new colour scheme, but I was hoping that I could swap the paintings on the home page for dog photos.
Dauphy: But you don’t know how to do that. Do you?
Hobbo: Not a scooby!
Dauphy: You know what they say, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”
Hobbo: Too late now…
Tykes Talking
Posted on 13th Jan 2021
Tykes Talking Gerrit canyer? Weir? Sin tin. Tint. Tis. Tin tin tin. Tis! Tint! Tis, sithee. Reet. Clart he'ud!
Dauphy: What the heck is this?
Hobbo: It’s two Tykes talking.
Dauphy: Tykes?
Hobbo: Yorkshiremen or women.
Dauphy: In what language? Martian?
Hobbo: English!
Dauphy: Well it’s not any English I know!
Hobbo: It’s Yorkshire dialect. Do you want a translation?
Dauphy: I think you’d better. If I don’t understand it, the readers won’t have a Scooby Doo!
Hobbo: You’d be surprised.
Dauphy: Pfft!
Yorkshiremen Talking Would you kindly get that for me, young man? Where is it? It is in the tin. (usually a biscuit tin) It is not. It is. It is not in the tin. It is. I assure you! And I assure you, it isn't! It is. Look it's here. Ah. Right. I see where you mean now. Cloth head! (stupid idiot!)
Let’s twist again
Posted on 10th Jan 2021
Hobbo: This one started life as a six word story, but once I started playing around with the words, I couldn’t resist turning it into a tricky tongue twister.
Dauphy: Tricky for me anyway!
Let's twist again Surely surly Shirley's sorely sorry smelly Shelly's shameless Sunday sherries should've somehow simply soured!
Affects less than 1 in 100
Posted on 9th Jan 2021
Affects less than 1 in 100 Eye pain or rainbow vision! Intermittent, blurring vision! Yellow eyes or yellow skin! Constipation! Vomiting! Drowsiness and sleepiness! Dizzyness or shakiness! Trouble with my flexion! Problems with erection! Weight loss! Weight gain! Blocked nose and bladder pain! Difficulties sleeping! Changes in my speaking! Hair loss! Milk loss! Telling folk to get lost! Tinnitus! Convulsions! Rashes or confusion! Numbness! Tingling! Fear of social mingling! Sensitive to sunlight! Wet bed! Is that right? Such a wide variety Has brought on my anxiety! Prescribed me by my doc These pills leave me in shock!
Dauphy: Victor Meldrew would have loved this one!
Hobbo: I know. Look at all these possible side effects. It’s ridiculous!
Dauphy: But it says, may affect 1 in 100, and you are one in a million!
Hobbo: Aww, thanks Dauphy, so are you! Have a biscuit.
Dauphy: Don’t mind if I do…
Dauphy saves the day!
Posted on 7th Jan 2021
This is in response to a couple of requests. One was from Chelsea in the US of A, for more tall tales, and the other from Ingrid in Slovenia, for more Yorkshire stuff. Hope you enjoy it. We are more than happy to do other requests!
Dauphy saves the day! Our Queen, is a popular lady Who lives, in a glamorous 'ouse But, before she become rich an' famous Poor girl were as shy as a mouse. Mam sent 'er to stay up in Yorksher Where there's loads of sound people to meet And English is spoke like it should be So, 'princess could learn to talk reet. Tha' might think, am pulling tha' leg like But am telling thee, this as a fact Yes, I know now, she gen'lly talks posh For the public, but that's all an act. Moving on now, she's stuck in t'old palace Locked down, at Buck House, in tier ten The jigsaws had got a tad tedious And they'd run out of bog roll,again. So, 'butler were sent for provisions T'instructions, precise and specific Get 'soft stuff, not crappy old Izal What slides round yer bum, it's horrific. This, being the middle of Winter T'old butler pulled on 'is warm wellies And as he were passing 'er windder She shouted out, get me some smellies. It were at the main gate he 'it 'problem The lock were froze solid, wun't shift Butler scratched 'ead, stood there ditherin' Cos he new Liz'd give 'im short shrift. Luckily, passing that day Were Hobbo and Dauphy, out walking 'Ow can I 'elp thee, asked Dauphy 'Pon my life! Is that Yorksher yer talkin'? I can't budge yon gate, moaned the butler 'Lock on it's solid, it's froze I've got an idea said Dauphy Which I'll tell thee, in rhyme not in prose. See, as look for some grass around 'ere pal Well, a' mun as well search for a ghost And the council are such flippin' cheapskates That I've given up 'ope of a post. Consequently, I am a bustin' And it's too short to tie in a knot If I pee on yon lock, I've a notion Our problems are solved, like as not. 'Butler took up the suggestion So that man and beast both had relief 'Servant went off, and did 'shopping Brought pies back, two pork and one beef. 'Course the Queen, she were ovver the moon She'd 'ad to be wipin' wi' Times 'Mail might 'ave been more appropriate But 'Queen wiped wi' this, cos it rhymes. Hobbo love, this dog's an 'ero That Dauphy's looked after us right Next time it's me birthday, I'll dub thee In other words,make thee a knight. Dauphy...Canine British Empire E'en corgis don't get C.B.E Dauphy, a little ungrateful Says, Queen love, it's near time for tea. So everyone 'ad a reet slap up Dauphy 'ad well earned 'is snooze 'Butler cracked gin bottle open Sir Hobbo and 'Queen went on 'booze. reet; right tha'; you, your Izal; a shiny brand of toilet paper windder; window wun't; wouldn't smellies; perfumed products a' mun: I might
Dauphy’s Poetry Masterclass
Posted on 5th Jan 2021
Dauphy: That stuff we write…
Hobbo: What about it?
Dauphy: We don’t always follow the rules, do we?
Hobbo: It doesn’t matter. As long as we are making people laugh.
Dauphy: I was hoping you’d say that.
Hobbo: Why?
Dauphy: I’ve written another.
Hobbo: Let’s hear it then.
Dauphy: You’ll type it up?
Hobbo: Don’t I always?…
Poetry Masterclass (by Dauphy) I don't give a Nelly for a villanelle or a bonnet for a fourteen line sonnet. I'd rather watch bonanza than struggle with a stanza. A soliloquy seems silly to me. My nemesis could be mimesis. If I have a cold then I might say ode. I'd never take a stance on dissonance or assonance. When I do meet up with Koo I'll say howdy, not haiku. I wouldn't give a meg about a mixed up meter. You can't lick a lyric for good alliteration and a well penned limerick can bring joy to a nation. So, epic or ballad stick those syllabic rules. Me and my mate Hobbo are merely comic fools.
Prime Minister Material
Posted on 5th Jan 2021
Prime Minister Material Bumbling Boris bungles Britain's biggest battle.
Dauphy: I like that Hobbo. I’ve been keeping an eye on America for you, like you asked?
Hobbo: And?
Dauphy: Well that Trump’s a greedy so and so!
Hobbo: What makes you say that?
Dauphy: Boats! What’s he want nearly twelve thousand boats for?
Hobbo: I think you’ll find that’s votes Dauphy, not boats.
Dauphy: Well who’s this Georgia woman anyway?
Hobbo: Here Dauphy, borrow these…
Hobbo leans down and passes Dauphy his old hearing aids. Dauphy puts them in.
Dauphy: Thanks. I can see much better now!
My Bezzie (by Dauphy)
Posted on 4th Jan 2021
My Bezzie (by Dauphy) Bella, beautiful girl. My best pal. We chased squirrels We chased cats We chased each other. Why did you have to tear your pad? Why wouldn't it heal? Why did you leave me? I miss you so much! Hobbo does too but not in the same fun loving stick carrying butt sniffing unconditional way that only a dog will ever truly understand. Goodbye Bella save me a place in doggy heaven.
Happy Birthday
Posted on 3rd Jan 2021
Hobbo: Mrs Hobbo’s birthday today Dauphy.
Dauphy: I know, she told me.
Hobbo: Do you know how old she is?
Dauphy: Twenty One.
Hobbo: Pfft.
Dauphy: She is twenty one, she said so.
Hobbo: Listen to this Dauphy. It will give you a clue how old she really is.
Dauphy: I’ve got it! Beatles. Fab four. She’s four!
Hobbo: Now you’re being silly.
Dauphy: Anyway, I’ve bought her a pressie.
Hobbo: What have you got her?
Dauphy: A giant box of Bonios!
Hobbo: She won’t eat Bonios. She’ll give you them back.
Dauphy: Still think I’m silly?
Little Miss Muffet
Posted on 2nd Jan 2021
Hobbo: You look a bit tired mate.
Dauphy: I’ve been up all night writing a poem.
Hobbo: What’s it about?
Dauphy: Those special days that you sometimes post.
Hobbo: Let’s hear it then.
Little Miss Muffet (by Dauphy) Little Miss Muffet Sat on her buffet Eating her pie and peas Too hot for her knees They fell on the floor And little Miss Muffet Said,"Stuff it."
Dauphy: What do you think?
Hobbo: Er…
Dauphy: You don’t like it. Do you?
Hobbo: It’s not that. It’s not National Buffet day today, it’s National Buffet day.
Dauphy: Buffet as in loads of food gets dropped on the floor for me to eat?
Hobbo: That’s the one.
Dauphy: Now you tell me! It took ages to write that.
Hobbo: I suppose she could have gotten her pie and peas from the buffet?
Dauphy. Brilliant! That’s what I meant all along. We make a great team don’t we?
