Domesticated animal

Domesticated Animal

I keep a pet human,
I've had him for a while,
He does his tasks unbidden
And always makes me smile.

I have my mealtimes, regular,
His life's uncomplicated,
We walk, I poo, he cleans,
So, who's domesticated?

Dogs with balls

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Dogs with balls

The year, twenty-one twenty-five,
Barely a man or a woman alive
Who kept a pet, either big or small,
A dog with balls, a dog with balls.

Life was hard, and times were tough,
Those Covid years had been real rough,
But who came smiling through it all?
The dogs with balls, the dogs with balls.

No work to do, played in the park,
Staying outside till it got too dark,
Back they went, to their own four walls,
The dogs with balls, the dogs with balls.

Pollution devastated too,
Little else for the folk to do,
Except play with them, until evening falls,
The dogs with balls, the dogs with balls.

Covid mutants plagued the land,
Overturned what the wise ones planned,
People scared, needed wherewithal
Of a dog with balls, a dog with balls.

The canine gangs were a fearful sight,
The virus strains all took to flight,
Fled to space, where they perished all,
Thanks to dogs with balls, dogs with balls.

The hero dogs were asked to rule us,
But, to a dog, said, "You can't fool us,
It's much more fun, to chase our balls,"
Said the dogs with balls, the dogs with balls.

Poop Scooping

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Poop Scooping

Her favourite dog, a Great Dane,
Passed parcels the size of a train,
At a loss, what to do
With this mountain of poo,
It was baked, bleached and sold as cocaine!

Pet Choice

Dauphy: Lovely day Hobbo.

Hobbo: Indeed it is, beautiful.

Dauphy: Have you had your jabs yet?

Hobbo: Yes, both of them.

Dauphy: Do I need vaccinating?

Hobbo: Well yes, every year, but not against covid.

Dauphy: Why not?

Hobbo: Don’t worry, dogs can’t catch it. I’ve written a poem I think you will like this morning.

Dauphy: I like most of them…

Pet Choice

When children are yearning a pet,
Choose with care, or you'll live to regret.
Fishes, you don't need to walk,
Parrots of course, love to talk.
If your neighbour continually rants,
Buy a tom cat to crap on his plants.

Instead of a horse, get a donkey,
And claim it's a pony, but wonky.
All rodents, like rats, come in cheap
But beavers are buggers to keep.
Consider a fluffy white rabbit,
Though they eat their own shit, dirty habit.

Elephants, I don't recommend,
The things that they touch, tend to bend.
Monkeys are good for a laugh,
Or, not scared of heights, a giraffe.
Not much room, try a budgie, or frog
But the best pet by miles is a dog.

Holidays

Hobbo: After today, there won’t be any posts for a week or so.

Dauphy: Why not?

Hobbo: We are going on holiday.

Dauphy: Can I come?

Hobbo: Of course, you always do!

Dauphy: Not always. You left me with a dog sitter once, remember?

Hobbo: I do. You disgraced yourself with that dalmatian!

Dauphy: It was love at first sniff…

It’s only a name

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Dauphy: I’ve got a new one for you today/

Hobbo: About dogs again? Not that I’ve anything against dogs.

Dauphy; No, it’s about a horse this time.

Hobbo: Go for it…

It's only a name

For her eighteenth, they bought her a horse,
Thoroughbred, black, a real beauty.
After carefully considering, of course,
She decided to name him...Lord Snooty.

Bathing the dog

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Bathing the dog

You're too muddy, buddy, it's time for a bath.
If you think, in the sink, then you're having a laugh.
Get those paws out of doors, where the hosepipe is waiting.
Yesterday, a delay, now there's no hesitating.
First, wet you through, with the head set to spray,
Then unscrew the shampoo, don't you dare run away!
Rub it in, to the skin, get a nice soapy lather.
Oh, sad eyes, no surprise, I know that you'd rather

Be racing, ball chasing, or searching for food.
Oh dear, what's this here, whilst I'm in the mood.
Pull these manky old cankers, stuck to your bum,
A good rinse will evince, that you're nearly done chum.
Now a couple of supple old towels to dry,
And a push with the brush, get that hair out your eye.
You look sleek as a Greek, oh for goodness sake,
You avenge, get revenge, with a brisk body shake!

Scoop that poop

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Scoop that poop

What a hullabaloo
About picking up poo.
Simply, bag it and bin it,
As soon as you've seen it.
Don't pull that stunt
Of walking in front
Of your dog when it poos,
Pretending it's news.
Claim, you were not aware
That she'd left her mess there.
Pick it up, it's your show,
Fait comme il faut.

Fait comme il faut:  Do what is necessary

Canine Therapy

Canine Therapy 

If your work's in a mess 
And your mind's in a fog, 
If you're feeling depressed, 
Grab a leash, walk the dog. 

If your love life is crap  
And you need a good snog, 
If your boyfriend's got clap, 
Grab a leash, walk the dog. 

If you can't find your prince, 
And you're stuck with a frog, 
If you've lost your blue rinse, 
Grab a leash, walk the dog. 

If you're fed up at home, 
Sick of cleaning the bog, 
You've no teeth in your comb, 
Grab a leash, walk the dog. 

If you want high heeled shoes, 
And you've only one clog, 
When you've got Monday blues, 
Grab a leash, walk the dog. 

You are driving the motor, 
But you're just a small cog, 
Then, stuff that new rota, 
Grab a leash, walk the dog. 

If you married a hunk, 
And he turned out, a hog 
There's no need to get drunk, 
Grab a leash, walk the dog. 

If your drink is cocktail, 
And you're given egg nog, 
Put some wind in your sail, 
Grab a leash, walk the dog. 

So, when nothing seems right 
In your back catalogue, 
Make the world look more bright, 
Grab a leash, walk the dog.

Dauphy’s Scentmark Verse

Dauphy: I’ve written a Scentmark verse for Chelsea Owens.

Hobbo: It was Hallmark Dauphy, not Scentmark.

Dauphy: She won’t mind! Will you ask her for me?

Hobbo: I will…

Dauphy's Scentmark Verse

You are my
eagle in a Beagle
the noir in Malinois
my pug on a rug
the wow in a Chihuahua
the asset in a Basset
the bits in a Spitz
the box in a Boxer
and the no in a Norwich.

You are my whip in a Whippet
the sky in Husky
the oodle in a poodle
the salut in Saluki
the span of a Spaniel
the malt in a Maltese
far greater
than a Dane.

You are
the order in my Border
neater than an Akita
or the box in a Boxer
you are my Labrador
the one that I adore.
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