Jam sandwiches and chip butties

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Jam sandwiches and chip butties

When we were kids
we were poor,
Dickensian poor.
Food poverty
meant an existence
alternating between
jam sandwiches and chip butties.
Luxury was
bangers, mash and rice pud
on pay day.

One night,
I did a charity swim
at school,
which raised a few bob.
A fortune to us.
Mum asked me to lend her it
and she would pay me back
on pay day.
I did.
She didn't.

Was that stealing?
Of course it was,
but a bigger crime
was not paying dad
a decent wage
for policing the streets
of our dirty city,
so that he could feed his family
something other than
jam sandwiches and chip butties.

Eating in bed

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Eating in bed

I've a wart on my todger!
You silly old codger.
I'm not look, I'll show you, it's there!
You fool, that's a crumb.
Soon flicked off with my thumb,
Crikey, thank you, that gave me a scare!

Brain Food

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Brain Food

in your bowels
make vowels!

Bird Table

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Bird Table

This table is the pits,
It always disappoints,
The food here gives me squits,
It's such a seedy joint.

The wrong choice

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The wrong choice

Doctor Radford
Went to Bradford.
To taste authentic curry.
His chicken madras
Gave him pain in the ass
And he didn't go back in a hurry.

The Cinema

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The Cinema 

What is it with cinema munchers? 
Too greedy to wait for lunch as 
They chomp their way through a selection, 
Of popcorn and other confection. 

Popcorn is consumed by the bucket, 
As noisily crunching, they tuck it 
Away quickly, as though they are starving, 
Never thinking of sharing, or halving. 

Washed down with a tubful of drink, 
Sufficient a cruiser, to sink. 
Can they really not go for an hour, 
With only the plot to devour?

Just Eat

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Just Eat

 In his wishes, Vinny's missus
 Lets him play out, catching fishes. 
Not for him the cluck it, pluck it, 
Finger lickin' bargain bucket. 
While he's on the River Ouse 
His missus rings Deliveroo's. 
Checks out Chinese for her daughter 
Orders more than what she oughtta. 

Fish and chips, tortilla teasers, 
Salad dips and spicy pizzas. 
Vinny's mini's home for supper 
Annie's plans he tries to scupper. 
Not for him the angler's boasting 
All he wants is cheesy toasties. 
Wherein she turns, and out she swishes 
And Vin, he learns, to do the dishes. 

Supersize Me

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Supersize me

A carnivorous restaurant founder
Invented the meat seven pounder
With mayonnaise spread
Twixt two loaves of bread
Small wonder his belly got rounder.


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Nijer for the goldfinch
Peanuts for the tits
Fat-balls for the starlings
I love 'em all to bits.

Coconuts are popular
They make an all round feed
Robins are the fussy ones
They prefer mixed seed.

I look out of my window
And watch them eat their food
The wild birds in the garden
Never fail to lift my mood.

Nijer, a seed food particularly popular with goldfinches

Chalk and Cheese

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Chalk and Cheese
crackers for my tea
with blue stilton chalk
it was certainly different.
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