Posted on 7th May 2022
cold your world goes to pot and it makes you feel old when your head's full of snot and you're lost in a cold
Posted on 23rd Oct 2021
Fast forward Pacemaker fitted, poo tests for cancer, whatever became of that once great romancer. Regular health checks, heart rate is naughty and as for my pulse, it's two hundred and forty! The sex life, once active I thought was forever, Is slowly declining from rarely, to never. Each new health crisis brings on hypertension, I should have skipped childhood, moved straight to my pension!
Posted on 4th Aug 2021
A personal problem
The optician told me
That I have floaters!
Toilet problems are private
And no one likes gloaters!
Posted on 24th Jul 2021
Emma
Emma Royd's piles
Were driving her wild,
Grapes of Wrath would be perfectly true,
She inserted a plum
To bung up her bum,
And now she's in Catch 22!
Posted on 24th Jul 2021
It's a sign
Sunday, I wake up with the world's worst headache.
Monday, the headache is even worse. My doctor thinks I may have a tumour!
Tuesday, MRI scan and tests at the hospital.
Wednesday, test results are all negative. Doctors are convinced that stress is the cause.
Thursday, there is a horse running in the 2.30 tomorrow called Stress Headache. It's a sign! Stake a whole months pension on her finishing first.
Friday, Stress Headache finishes a close second to Gambling Fool. I lose the lot.
Saturday, Go out and drown my sorrows.
Sunday, I wake up with the world's worst headache...
Posted on 21st Jul 2021
The Rash She developed an angry red rash And was round at the doc's in a flash. Not skirting the houses, She was told, drop your trousers. Examined then dressed, The doc was impressed, She'd contracted a virus, Caught from papyrus. Disapp it was called, And the doctor recalled, She could give her some cream Which would sure make her scream, Prescription was ointment, She wrote, disapp ointment.. Dauphy: That's not a rash, it's a spotty frog! Hobbo: I know, but I couldn't find a picture of a rash on WordPress. Dauphy: So, was it a frog who went to the doctor's? Hobbo: No! Dauphy: The doctor was a frog? Hobbo: No Dauphy, the doctor was not a frog. The woman had spots. Dauphy; Like the frog? Hobbo: Yes Dauphy, like the frog. Dauphy: If you'd said so in the first place!
Posted on 15th Jul 2021
What children need... Snuggles and cuddles And jumping in puddles, Chocolate and cheesecake And noises that bees make, Laughter and lollies And jim-jams and jollies, Christmas and Santa And juvenile banter, Loving and laughter And dads acting dafter, Old pals, and new friends And mazes with dead ends, Starlight and moonshine And days in the sunshine, Christmas and parties And sweet apple tart is, When push comes to shove, Our children need love.
Posted on 11th Jul 2021
Time management
Stop rushing around!
You will end in the ground.
Simply accept you are late
And don't get in a state.
Posted on 2nd Jul 2021
This is our thousandth post since me and Dauphy kicked this blog off last August. We wanted to mark the occasion with something a bit different from our usual tongue in cheek attempts to get you giggling. Here then, is a serious poem about an awful condition that is affecting more and more of us as we live longer. Thank you for reading, and don’t worry, the next post will be back to our usual nonsense!
Dementia
My memories are jumbled,
a fluid kaleidoscope
of images
as tangled
as that spaghetti crap
they serve us in here.
Wherever here is!
I know it's not home.
Home is
where mum and dad live,
not here
where people wear pinnies
and masks
and ask silly questions.
'What have I had for breakfast?'
How the hell do I know!
Mum,
it's me mum,
Lucy!
Lucy,
who the hell is Lucy,
and who is mum?
I want my mum,
and my dad.
Let what's-her=name
find her own parents.
Bloody cheek.
And photos!
If anyone else
shows me any more photographs
of strangers,
I swear
I will smash the place up,
again.
Bloody morons!
Lucy?
Lucy darling?
Is that you?