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My tinnitus
Is limitless,
An engine in my ears,
Loud ringing,
Then odd pinging;
I need sound engineers.

Excuse me?

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Excuse me?

My wife is aware
That I'm deaf as a tree
Yet still she insists
On talking to me

Through the back of a door
From a different room
When I'm trying to chat
to my colleagues on Zoom.

Or, sat on the loo
With my head in my hands
And I can't hear a thing
For the whirring of fans.

When the dog starts to bark
Cos it's time for a walk
And the phone's ringing out,
Then that's when she'll talk.

Or, we're sat in the car
With the road-traffic noise
And hearing-aids buzz
With the arguing boys

In the back, she will turn
Smile sweetly my way,
"You don't ever listen,
to a damn word I say!"

Poor spelling

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Poor spelling

I overheard my missus
say she had an S.T.D.
What a silly error this is,
it's S-T-U-D, me!

Medical Advice

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Medical Advice

When Doc prescribed me exercise,
Said, I should take up jogging,
My eyes dilated with surprise,
i thought that he'd said, dogging!

My missus said, he'd gone too far
And called the man, a queer stick.
Last time we did it in my car,
Played havoc with my gear stick!


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My wife says I'm important,
I think that's what she said,
She can't have meant impotent,
We weren't even in bed.

Prime Minister Material

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Prime Minister Material

Bumbling Boris bungles Britain's biggest battle.

Dauphy: I like that Hobbo. I’ve been keeping an eye on America for you, like you asked?

Hobbo: And?

Dauphy: Well that Trump’s a greedy so and so!

Hobbo: What makes you say that?

Dauphy: Boats! What’s he want nearly twelve thousand boats for?

Hobbo: I think you’ll find that’s votes Dauphy, not boats.

Dauphy: Well who’s this Georgia woman anyway?

Hobbo: Here Dauphy, borrow these…

Hobbo leans down and passes Dauphy his old hearing aids. Dauphy puts them in.

Dauphy: Thanks. I can see much better now!

What makes you think I’m deaf?

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What makes you think I'm deaf?

Your lunch is ready!
Freddie, who is Freddie?

It's lunch, it's on the table!
Mabel, when did you see Mabel?

Do you want to eat or not?
Ah, now you call me clot!

God, this is sooo frustrating!
Whaddya' mean, I need castrating?

Put your flipping aids in!
You're rooting for a Saints win?

Where did I go wrong?
Can I sing a song?

Jeez, I've had enough!
I heard that, I'm not deaf!

You hear when you've a hard on!
That's rude, I heard that, pardon?
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