Posted on 27th May 2022
Hangover It's one of my sillier tricks, Hence the reason I'm getting so pudgy. Whisky and cider don't mix And I'm sure that I've swallowed the budgie.
Posted on 5th May 2022
A quiet meal It began when my starter, the fish left a bone in my throat but no wish and as we moved on to the main I was in some considerable pain. Having trouble with something called breathing which set my poor girlfriend to screaming, 'Please, is there a doc in the place he's turning quite blue in the face.' Then a lavatory cleaner named Madge, laying claim to advanced first-aid badge offered to help render service, though the beer on her breath made me nervous. My girlfriend yelled, 'Quick please begin, he's not paid yet, you must save his skin,' but instead of the Heimlich manoeuvre, she brandished the hose of a hoover, stuck the pointy end right past my tonsils, turned the suction to maximum until the bone popped out, stopping the pain and yes, I was breathing again. The waiter played light the ordeal, 'Please enjoy sir the rest of your meal.' I'm finished though, no more high-rolling, next time, we are off tenpin bowling.
Posted on 1st May 2022
The honeymoon With her ankles peripheral in vision, The young man was set on his mission To have and to hold As in stories of old, Cementing their love with a frisson.
Posted on 14th Apr 2022
Marital Discretion "Does my bum look big in this dear?" "Why, yes, it looks enormous," Not the phrase she wants to hear, Unless you fancy homeless.
Posted on 13th Apr 2022
Reg! Ladies man, Reg Had meat and two veg Which were so monumental in size, The kilts that he wore Had to reach to the floor Or the girls got a nasty surprise.
Posted on 10th Apr 2022
Pawlitics I have a scruffy mongrel, I got her for the laughs. She looks like our Prime Minister, Without his many gaffes. She's big on social media, We're followed everywhere And all because I bought a dog With Boris Johnson hair.
Posted on 6th Apr 2022
The unwashed diva Her figure was fulsome, nay busty, Her singing voice, wholesome and lusty But lack of hygiene For this opera queen Left an odour both noisome and musty.
Posted on 3rd Apr 2022
Precisely Lethologically speaking, I can't find the word I was seeking For that guy in the circus Whose trousers fall down. I can not remember, I feel such a clown. Lethologica: The inability to recollect the precise word for something
Posted on 1st Apr 2022
Superfuel I've discovered a new superfuel, no need any more to burn oil, at a fraction the price of electric with by-products good for the soil. Diesel and petrol, forget them, so too, the wind and the sun, completely renewable power and all for the price of a bun. Say your goodbyes to the frackers who wanted to ruin our planet, my compression of air superfuel eats carbon, it's super-organic. I don't seek remuneration, I'm not here to fatten my purse, This is my gift for all nations, prototype launch, April first.
Posted on 14th Mar 2022
Weekend cottages The bed's too soft or far too hard And underneath's a playing card That's full of dust where hoover missed Or previous house guest in a pissed Up state has left obnoxious horror Which can't be left until tomorrow. The stairs are steep, I hurt my back With four suitcases and a pack Of beer, I purchased at The Bridge But usually the dodgy fridge Won't work or makes a squealing noise Incessantly and wakes the boys So when I want my wicked way With better half, she's sure to say, 'Forget it dear, the mood has gone, Let's head for home, put 'kettle on.'