A slippery customer

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A slippery customer

A snake, of a loving compunction,
Was served, by his wife, an injunction.
She wanted divorce,
Stating reasons because,
Her male had a reptile dysfunction.

What a wonderful world

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 What a wonderful world 

The sky is a beautiful blue, 
With clouds that are wonderfully white. 
The daisies are dappled with dew, 
And I'm on a promise tonight. 

A Yorksher Compliment

A Yorksher compliment  

Second only to me dog, 
Tha's  the best thing in me life 
And tha' knows I love yon dog 
More than what I love me wife.

My Love

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My Love 

My love is like 
A red, red rose 
Sharp as a spike, 
And needs no clothes.

Entre Nous

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Entre nous 

I thought she was the one, 
But now she's on the run. 
I loved her from afar 
Until she stole that car. 
She's left me, entre nous, 
Returned my billet-doux.  

I felt love, at first sight 
The night I saw her fight.
 The six pack on her belly, 
Reduced my legs to jelly. 
She's left me, entre nous,
 Returned my billet-doux. 

She's got the kind of looks, 
You find in horror books. 
More scars than Al Capone, 
She's what they call big-boned. 
She's left me, entre nous, 
Returned my billet-doux.  

Her breath could floor a bear,  
You ought to hear her swear. 
Van Damme thinks she is scary, 
But only cos she's hairy. 
She's left me, entre nous, 
Returned my billet-doux.  

I see the girl beneath, 
Who cares if she's no teeth? 
Our love was pure, symbolic 
A shame she's alcoholic. 
She's left me, entre nous, 
Returned my billet-doux.

 She's going to be a loss, 
Though she gave, not a toss. 
How will I replace this wino? 
I'll have to buy a rhino. 
She's left me entre nous, 
Returned my billet-doux. 


Entre nous:  Between us Billet-doux:  Love letters

Heartbeats

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Heartbeats

Two billion each
lub-dub, lub-dub
From cradle to grave
lub-dub, lub-dub
Tender as peach
lub-dub, lub-dub
Worn as a cave
lub-dub, lub-dub

You've stolen mine
lub-dub, lub-dub
Broken in two
lub-dub, lub-dub
Sad celandine
lub-dub, lub-dub
My final tattoo
lub--------

New Beginnings

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New Beginnings

You
hold
the key
to
my heart.

Well,
that's
a start.

The Old Romantic

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The Old Romantic

Oh, I'm a big soft touch
Now that I'm wiser, older
I love my wife so much
I very nearly told her.

I love you to bits…

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Love you to bits..

You're the flirt
in a skirt.
The snag
In our snog.

You're a nail
in my mail.
The weed
in my need.

You're the pest
in my vest.
The fly
in my eye.

You're the wart
in my court.
The itch
in my snitch.

You're the clot
That I've got.
You're the nit
in my knot...

...and I love you to bits.

Love is…

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Love is...

Putting the bins out when it's not your turn.
*
Apologising before you fart.
*
Pretending to listen when you haven't a clue what she is talking about.
*
Waiting until she leaves the room before picking your nose.
*
Letting her clean the toilet, even though you would love to do it.
*
Not forgetting her birthday more than once a year.
*
Buying her petrol station flowers for the thrill of hearing her say,"What are these for?"
*
Letting her watch the football, rather than a sloppy film.
*
Getting her a fish supper on your way home from the pub.
*
Sleeping fully clothed in the bath, so you don't have to wake her.
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