The big idea

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The Big Idea

I met a man, who had a plan, a cunning plan to save planet Earth. For what it was worth,
the plan was brilliant, resilient, but his wife said, "No! Not on your life," so, he became an M.P, to sell it, you see.  The P.M, impressed, said that she would invest, but made it perfectly clear that it was her idea.  She said, and I quote, "It will go to the vote."  This amazing proposition, was vetoed by the opposition, who prevented a majority by stating, with authority, that they were not on board because the plan was flawed, too expensive, cost too much, labour intensive nonsensuch!  What price then our planet?  So, rather than it fall at the first fence, which would have made no sense, Parliament, with impunity went to the world community.  Leaders, not the bottom feeders, who mulled the idea over, considered it moreover, agreed, there was no hurry, no need for anyone to worry, everything would work out fine, and could someone pass the wine!

The vacuous politician

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The vacuous politician

I'm a little windbag, short and stout,
Hear me bluster, hear me spout.
Soon becomes quite clear that I know nowt,
Got to wait four years to vote me out.

A bit of a fuss

Hobbo: I’ve got another Yorkshire Tale for you this morning.

Dauphy: That’s good, I like them.

Hobbo: Your Yorksher is coming on a treat Dauphy.

Dauphy: I practice tha’ knows. It’s not easy wi’ a French accent.

Hobbo: I’ll buy thee a flat cap. That’ll ‘elp.

Dauphy: Pfft!

A bit of a fuss 

A Yorksher mill town name of Keighley, 
That's where this little story begins 
With a young shop assistant called Susan 
Full name 'at is, Sue Anne Provvins. 

She couldn't keep up wi' the ding rate 
When they put the poor lassy on 'tills, 
Sideways, she moved on to the butchers, 
To better 'er choppin' up skills. 

There, she mixed tripe wi' black puddin' 
In a way that were less than desirous. 
Before you could say 'Billy No-Mates' 
Sue Anne was the source of a virus. 

At first it were swept under 'carpet 
Her bosses were in-cred-you-luss, 
When folks started dropping like nine pins, 
Well, it started a bit of a fuss. 

'Train through to Leeds were soon cancelled, 
Some said, "Stop, tha's goin' too far, 
'Ow can I go and see me old granny, 
It's alright for thee, tha's a car". 

The newshounds got ho'd of the story, 
And people were dying in lumps. 
Said Barnaby Bumble, a spokesman, 
"It's worse than when Johnny 'ad 'mumps".

 It quickly spread, all ovver Yorksher, 
Chaps took to a coverin' their face. 
In an effort to find who 'ad gorrit,
 They wrote a new app, 'Back to Base'. 

The old, and the poorly were shielded, 
By lockin' them into their 'ouses. 
Being stoic, because of the war years, 
They stayed there as quiet as mouses. 

The Mayoress of Yorksher were summoned, 
She divided us all into tiers, 
Some as could do as they wanted, 
And some as were kicked up their rears.

 Brains, working all sorts of 'ours, 
Were tryin' to come up wi' a cure, 
Then early one morning, Eureka! 
At nigh on a quarter to four. 

The guinea pigs they 'ad been feedin' 
To see what would live and would die, 
Had e'ten a mixture of gubbins 
But one, a survivor, ate pie. 

Strict trials were started, immediate 
To find which were 'best pie to eat. 
The one causing least complications, 
Were found to be taty and meat. 

Fact'ries ramped up their production, 
And taties were killed by the score, 
Five 'undred a week they were makin' 
But they guessed they were gonna need more. 

Now Yorksher, it does 'ave its skeptics 
Some, very 'ard to convince, 
Many preferred eatin' pasties, 
And some said, they'd sooner 'ave mince. 

So, a Positive Pie Eating programme, 
Which media 'ad dubbed P.P.E, 
Was rolled out, right ovver Yorksher 
And now, they are Sue Virus free.

Question Time

Question Time

Hobbo: Enjoy your snooze Dauphy?

Dauphy: What snooze? I’ve been working. I was watching Prime Minister’s Questions!

Hobbo: If you say so.

Dauphy: I was. I’ve written a poem.

Hobbo: Fire away mate!

Question Time

Question time,
With P.M. Boris,
Get more sense
From great aunt Doris.

Opposition though,
Keir Starmer,
Charisma of
A Yorkshire farmer.

Hobbo: I take it back. That’s excellent.

Dauphy: Food time?….

A cautionary tale

Photo by Engin Akyurt on
A cautionary tale

In Yorksher they had 'reffy rendrum
About whither to go it alone
And since most of 'tykes, were all forrit
The republic of Yorksher were born.

First job, it were finding a boss type
Nessy tated all 'ands to the pump
They scoured the cobbles of Bradford
To find billionairess, Donna Crump.

The slogan,'Mek Yorksher great ag'in
Was summat they an't 'eard in years
And the prospect of more dry stone walling
'Ad grown men, crying into their beers.

On 'first day, she signed loads of papers
Twelve before going to bed
Some of it really important
And some, what she even 'ad read.

At first it were all hunky dory
She built up considerable funds
By scrapping the decimal system
And printing their own Yorksher punds.

Soon, some were beginning to doubt her
Too big fer 'er boots, too offhand
To establish 'erself as 'world leader
She shook, Mayor of Lancashire's 'and.

About twelve months 'afore re-election
The Black Pudding Plague swept the Dales
But Donna were sniffy about it
Said it only killed people from Wales.

Her supporters were told not to worry
And Donna refused to wear 'mask
Sadly, thousands who listened to 'lady
Were carted away in a casque.

Her four years in office passed quickly
What with eatin' tinned peaches and such
When they put an old man up ag'in her
Well, Donna thought that a bit much.

The vote were about fifty-fifty
Wi' towns going one way, then t'other
When it looked like t'old feller 'ad edged it
Crump 'ad to ring up 'er big brother.

Find me a shed load of voters
Don't care who, don't care how
And as for the votes fer the old bloke
Well they shouldn't count anyhow.

The countin' dragged on fer a month
T'old feller were given a win
But Crump were as stubborn as pigshit
Dug 'er heels in, and wouldn't give in.

Crump supporters, invaded the town 'all
Wi' a noise fit to wekken the queen up
They med such a mess wi' their boots on
It took 'em all weekend, to clean up.

Eventually, sense were restored though
And Yorksher came back into 'fold
As a warning to future republics
Is this little parody told.

Modern Politics

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Modern Politics

Tooth Fairy accuses Santa of fraud.


Photo by Element5 Digital on
aloof, arrogant
posturing, proposing, persuading
president, challenger, ballot-box, voters
dithering, deliberating, deciding
unheeded, uncounted
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