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Like a fast fading flower
that wilts, by the hour,
our love life could do with fresh water,
but you fight like a bull
and though life's not dull,
you never give me any quarter!

Below the belt

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Below the belt

American tag team, Mangle and Bash,
Liked a fine supper of bangers and mash,
Which cost them their lives,
When the wrestler's wives
Added arsenic to get at their cash.

Talking feet

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Talking feet

A woman, with body curvaceous,
Had feet which were highly loquacious,
Till her husband, in bed
In his frustration said,
"Can't you shut the foot up!" Goodness gracious!

My Yorksher girl

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My Yorksher girl

My girl, is a Yorksher pearl,
She's a wine drinking, beer sinking,
hard swearing, tattoo wearing,
love making, back breaking,
French kissing, teeth missing,
shit slinging, horrid singing,
weight lifting, heavy shifting,
dart playing, dragon slaying,
fat frying, bare-faced lying,
curse yelling, B.O smelling,
dole scrounging, lizard lounging,
thought provoking, heavy smoking,
pub stripping, skinny dipping,
twice in jail, hard as nails,
fast food eating, husband cheating,
body hairy, downright scary,
stay up late, overweight,
opinionated, overrated,
pox carrying, never marrying,
pudding of a Yorksher girl!

The Riposte

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The Riposte

Without you, I see, nothing.
Without you, I feel, nothing.
Without you, I have, nothing.
Without you, I am, nothing.

Without me, you do, nothing!

The Confessor

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The Confessor

My dad
became a 'coffin confessor',
telling posthumous secrets,
and voicing previously unspoken opinions,
not for other people though,
for himself,
after he died.

What legacy then
did he leave
for me and my siblings?
A house?
A car?
A watch even?
He left us nothing.

Except that letter.
My dad, who called a spade a spade
and had a reputation as a hard ass
who beat his kids,
left each of us
a photocopy
of the same damned note.

It was a rant
about how we had offended him,
where we had gone wrong,
let him down
and why he was leaving everything,
every last bean,
to his friend.

A letter
from the grave,
how sick is that?
Why couldn't he tell us
face to face
and what happened to our right of reply?

If there is an afterlife
and I sure hope so,
then one fast approaching day,
I will get to look you in the eye
and ask you, "Why?"
You fucking coward.


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A wheel, inside a wheel
Describes how I feel,
Was it part of the deal
To metaphorically kneel?

Cheeky Cow!

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 Cheeky Cow

 Cow's legs, he said, she had, 
Which earned the man a slap, 
But her calves were pretty bad, 
Covered heel to knee in crap. 

The Conscript

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The Conscript

Jack Sprat would eat no fat,
He drove his missus barmy,
She bopped him in his cobblers
And made him join the army.

Mixed Messages

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Mixed Messages

Give me your hand,
Close your eyes.
What I'm gonna demand
Won't be a surprise.

A lifetime together,
Through thick and through thin,
Whatever the weather
And no violins.

We're good for each other,
So you say, of course.
You're too like your mother,
I want a divorce!
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