Better Half

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Better Half

She's my partner, my missus,
a slave to the dishes,
the woman who I must obey.
She's my better half, wife,
she's the bane of my life
and sometimes she's even risqué.

She's a kitchen Goddess
but her hair is a mess
and her relatives bore me to tears.
She's called her indoors.
I can't sleep for her snores,
how the heck have we gone fifty years!

She will analyse, criticise,
often she'll roll her eyes,
occasionally, she gets on my tits.
That's forced, it's a bloke thing,
of course, I am joking,
you do know I love her to bits.

Foolish words

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Foolish words 

Stroke of midnight, wife awoke
to drunken husband having smoke 
on doorstep, "Right,"  she said, 
"You've had enough, now get to bed!" 

Foolishly he tried to joke,
"Sorry darling, piston broke." 
She'd had enough now, mist of red;
he's now beneath their flower bed.

Embossed

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Embossed

Fire my desire,
to be wined and dined,
make passionate love,
blow my mind.

Your efforts
lack lustre,
buster,
don't pass muster.

I need
a roller coaster ride,
not a casual
bit on the side,
admiring the ceiling,
the paper that's peeling.

Ancient lincrusta,
stuffed with linseed oil
and wood flour,
bittersweet, sour,
as the words which you shower
on me baby.

Baby,
your dust,
I'm sick of your bluster,
buster.

Turning sour

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Turning sour

Your love, my dear
is a fragrant rose,
full of dangerous thorns
which get up my nose!

You cheeky old pig,
it's a beating of hearts,
I want yours to stop
so that death do us part!

Girl talk

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Girl talk

My girl talks baloney,
which is okay, if only
she'd pause now and then for a breath.
She has me in stitches,
like one of the witches,
the bad tempered one in Macbeth.

Collecting

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Collecting

She collected lovers
in a similar way that others
gathered ornamental cats,
Lalique glassware, table mats,
snuff boxes, candelabra,
oil paintings of french harbours,
thimbles, needles, pins,
old tools for making things.

Long-dead silver watches,
samplers and swatches,
diamonds, set in rings,
in fact, any little thing.
No requirement to walk
or even merely talk,
prepared for undercover,
then you could be her lover.

Figure of speech

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Figure of speech

Donkeys bray
and cats meow,
horses neigh
but dogs bow-wow.

Humans talk
their ghosts boo,
parrots squawk
and Holsteins moo.

Villains sneer
and ducks quack,
you my dear
are talking cack!

My tools!

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My tools!

A vicar discovered her clerical
collar, was getting too spherical,
so, she ironed the frill
with her husband's best drill,
which sent the DIY'er hysterical.

A kiss

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A kiss

I bent to give her a kiss
romantically, making to hug her.
she managed somehow to resist
and called me a sloppy old bugger!

Wilting

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Wilting

Like a fast fading flower
that wilts, by the hour,
our love life could do with fresh water,
but you fight like a bull
and though life's not dull,
you never give me any quarter!
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