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She could not keep tabs
upon her new bloke,
Mohammed Rizla,
He liked his smoke.

She said, "I am going,
to have to acheter, 
for you, my dear,
a giant ashtray.

acheter: French verb, to buy

The health check

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The health check

You need to cut down on the fags old man
Forty a day is too many
Reducing to twenty would be a good start
Though really, you shouldn't have any.

I'll just check your blood pressure now, if I may
My, my, that's a hundred and forty
If you weren't a key worker, I'd put you on sick
Your whole way of life is so naughty.

You are heading towards diabetic
With all those mince pies that you eat
And alcohol isn't a staple
When you have it, it should be a treat.

I'll give you a jab for the virus
But, be careful, should not go unsaid
And once your deliveries are finished
I suggest that you go back to bed.

That's the end of your annual check up
I hope you pay heed to my banter
Your lifestyle must alter completely
Or next year, there will not be a Santa.
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