Shopping

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Shopping

Completing my truck stop
I called in the farm shop
And wandered in, just for a browse.
They had no farms I wanted
So feeling undaunted,
I settled for two fatted cows.

Pronunciation denunciation

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Pronunciation denunciation

You'll become a pariah
if you call it Yorkshire
and people will sneer
if you dare say Yorkshire
but the girl from Minorca
pronouncing it Yorkshire,
I will cover in kisses
and take for my Mrs.

Murderous fall

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A murderous fall

Invited to see his top story
by her book-writing, high-living son
she knew her demise would be gory
at the hands of her son with a pun.

Sweetheart

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Sweetheart

You were the cherry on my icing,
my sweet and sticky bun
until I was deserted
and now my love, that scone!

An unusual complaint

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An unusual complaint

Complaining of very strong magnetism
The doctor assumed he meant rheumatism
But stuck like a fool
To the seat of her stool
Concluded that this was no solecism.

Solecism: A grammatical mistake in speech or writing

Vinny the vampire

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Vinny the vampire

Vinny the vampire
Suffered a van fire
Collecting his quota of blood.
It caused such a long queue
On the M62
That his name all day long was just mud.

Lonely hearts ad

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Lonely hearts ad

Old man - slightly obsessive
Seeks other half - spotlessly clean
Age or good looks not a factor
But ideally responds to 'Hi, Jean.'

Frog in the throat

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Frog in the throat

When the frog lost his ribbit
It was quick to inhibit
His world-renowned talent for courting.
A medicinal soak
Soon sorted his croak
And now all his tadpoles are snorting.

The stud

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The Stud

When he met his creator,
Thinking 'reincarnator'
Pete asked to come back as a stud.
He felt somewhat let down
Strolling back into town
As a football boot covered in mud.

Charlie Spooner’s Whores

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Charlie Spooner's Whores

Harley, flopping the moors
Whilst chewing his doors
Heard his wife, with arms bossing her crust,
Serrating him bay,
"That is not the white ray,
You're just making dashings of lust."
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